It’s interesting how it doesn’t take much to completely take you aback, to force you to consider and ponder.
I’ve been working on changing how I’m perceived. That’s something I’ve been working on for awhile, but it’s slow going, as is most change. The change has to come from allowing myself to be seen as who I am instead of the walls I project. It’s easier, albeit worse, to only show my heart to those I deem trustworthy. I don’t mean all my deep dark secrets (whatever those are), but I mean the essence of who I am, what I care about, what I want, what my passions are.
So I want to be vulnerable. More so, that is, than I am now. And I want to stop saying things I don’t mean. I want to be true to me and with that, hopefully those around me will have a better understanding of who I am.
Part of what makes me realize this, other than what I talked about in my last post, is how I frequently have folk telling me their vision for my life. First, I’d like to say that it’s ridiculous that anyone else should try to tell you what you should do with your life. Unless, that is, you have asked them, they have that role in your life and they have earned the right.
Yesterday, I had a friend tell me that another friend (what is it with people refusing to tell me things to my face?) thinks I need the following in my life: IF I got married, it would have to be to a mover and a shaker, someone who is going places, potentially in politics. But I probably shouldn’t get married because although I think I like the domestic life, it would be a waste of who I am. I should travel, I should be experiencing life in a big way.
Here’s the problem. None of that is what I want. I actually told this friend that I thought their perception was wrong and that these are what I would prefer: IF I am blessed enough to get married, I want to marry a man with whom I can resonate and partner. Preferably an academic. I don’t necessary need to be the spotlight, but I want to come alongside him in his life work (as he would come alongside me). If we had children, that would be my first priority (after God & husband), but I would never want to be wholly consumed by my children (which is unhealthy in any situation). The ways that I want to change the world aren’t on a grandiose level, but on an individual level. I want my home to be open, hospitable and safe, so that people are welcome and know they are welcome to come.
I don’t think that my dreams are worse or better than the other ones, but they’re mine. They’re where my heart beats and how God has given me desires. But apparently I’m not communicating my heart. So I’m going to work on that.