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Words are cheap.
I have cheated on Lent two days in a row. But I don’t feel bad at all. I’m not doing Lent for some legalistic reason; I’m not doing it because I think it will make me more spiritual. I’m doing it so I can discipline myself (oops), to have some solidarity with the poor of the world (um), and I guess if I’m not perfect, it’s okay.
In the eleventh hour, I have changed my paper topic. I have a rough draft due tomorrow, and it’s supposed to be an exegetical paper on Galatians 3:26-29. But I hate that topic, and I hate that passage. I am so tired of working through it: it has been beaten to death. We’re allowed to substitute one chapter of our thesis for one paper. So… I am going to substitute a chapter on gender identity. I’m going to use some of what I’ve written before (shh), but will change it drastically because I want to add in stuff about the current issues in gender identity: i.e. the LGBQT community. And, asking forgiveness is easier than permission, so… I’m just going to show up and explain in class, rather than ask ahead of time.
I’m considering taking my work to a pub and having a pint whilst working. Do pubs have plugins for laptops?
Also, the new timeline on facebook makes it way too easy to stalk people. I just found myself tonight reading down through someone’s page, all the way to 2010 before I stopped myself. Yikes.
I feel like something broke in me a few weeks ago. And it just keeps breaking more and more.
But, unlike many times, this isn’t a good kind of breaking. I’m not talking about when a wall breaks down or when our defenses break. I’m talking about a belief in something or the capacity to believe in it.
And as much as I know, really know, not to base my faith on the humans around me who claim to have the same faith, I almost cannot help it at times. So when I feel let down by every person around me who I previously did not think would/could let me down, there is a shift that occurs. And when I read my Bible and realize the implications of my faith: that so many (the majority) of the world does not believe in what I believe is an exclusive faith, and thus will be reduced to the inevitability of hell, I wonder how it can be true. I consider the attractiveness of a faith that leans toward or embraces universalism and open theism. I wonder what I believe.
I find myself desiring more interactions with non-believers. I want the freedom to consider ideas that I’m not allowed to consider within my faith. I want the freedom to embrace that humans will let you down and have no higher calling which should, in many respects, help them avoid many of the ways they do let you down.
I’m tired of living in a world characterized by brokenness and with followers of Christ who remain just as broken, despite the presence of the Holy Spirit. I’m tired of being broken myself.
And sometimes, I just can’t stand Christians. The judgments, the duplicity, the refusal to be open and honest and real. The holier-than-thou, the “I’m right, you’re wrong” attitudes. I don’t want to be that, and I don’t want to be associated with it.
Part of this is the loneliness that I’m not sure I’m supposed to feel when I’m literally surrounded by those who are, in theory, supposed to be “brothers and sisters in Christ.” If I’m part of a “family,” and my main social interactions are from seminary and church, why am I so alone? Where are these people when I need them?
As I watch the rain come down, these are the questions I’m asking. And I wonder if I will have any faith left by the time I am done here, or if I am merely grasping at straws for what isn’t actually there.
Last night I stayed out until 4am dancing. Well, I didn’t go out dancing until midnight. I know I’m almost 30, but apparently I’m trying to recapture part of my youth. The part that I never captured in the first place.
I also woke up at 7:30am (earlier than I intended) and held babies in the nursery at church. They were sleepy; I was sleepy. It was a good match.
I meant to take a nap today. But it was so beautiful outside that I decided to clean my apartment. I know, weird conclusion, but it’s how I work.
And then I had to cook for the week. My stewed chicken is tasting delightful. It’s going to be another good week of Dominican dishes.
I also meant to finish homework, but I’ve decided that if I don’t get straight A’s, it’s okay. I am not defined by my grades.
I’m not ready to face the week.
I presented at the gender conference today. And it went great. I was worried that folk wouldn’t get into the discussion or engage, but they completely did! I had great questions, all throughout the presentation, and several of the attendees told me afterwards that they had never thought about the Trinity or the gender of God (as beyond gender) before, or in the ways I was talking about. It felt so affirming. My opening questions did exactly what I’d hoped. I didn’t forget anything. I presented coherently. So glad.
The only bit of constructive criticism, which was really helpful to hear afterwards, was to not apologize for what I’m talking about, but to present confidently. I had to laugh at that bit, because I know my insecurities got the better of me. But it’s so true. You should never apologize for your passion. Everyone knows that I’m not the be all and end all of this topic, and that my views will continue to grow and change as I grow and change.
To reward myself, there is a free outdoor swing dance today, and I am going to go. Woo hoo!
1. I love cleaning out my email box. Even if I’m just deleting emails and shunting others to their respective folders, it makes me feel better about life.
2. I miss Twitter. I miss telling the world what I’m doing at all times. I don’t think the world misses this.
3. I have no idea how to properly flirt with a man.
4. I don’t make mistakes so much as I plan out my own potentially bad choices.
5. Last month, I somehow only took photos of different food items I’d made.
6. I still have a thing for musicians. And dancers. But in slightly different ways, although it feels connected.
7. Once I get cold, it’s incredibly hard for me to warm up. It’s as if my body is incapable of generating its own body heat.
8. I was told tonight that I have the capability to “shrivel men’s balls.” I’m not sure that’s a good thing.
9. My favourite beer is still hefeweizen, no matter how many others I’ve tried.
10. I think next year for Lent I am going to give up giving things up. Just a thought.