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My life feels like it is surrounding me in pieces. And I keep thinking that if I can just pull myself together, I’ll be able to make things better.
But I really don’t know how to do that.
I think: If I can just get a solid start on my thesis, then that will make things better.
Or, if I can just get a steady job, then that will make everything right.
If I can get counseling and figure out how to deal with all the anger and hurt.
If I can be brave about the idea of moving to Ecuador.
If I can learn to not feel so alone.
If I can find the one piece that will unlock the riddle, and somehow, some way, put humpty dumpty back together again.
And through it all, I have the mantra that runs never ceasing through my brain: You can’t trust anyone. They will always let you down. You can’t trust Christians. You can’t trust anyone.
I know I shouldn’t be letting myself think that, but it’s there, nevertheless.
Humpty Dumpty was never together again, was he? Some breaks you can’t recover from.
I want to feel whole.
What is it with men only protecting what belongs to them?
I am talking about women, for whom I would usually use a pronoun indicating personhood; however, it seems to me that men still, purposely or inadvertently does not matter, view women as objects to be owned, to be conquered, to belong to them.
Think of how a man will fight for a woman he is in a committed relationship with or a female who is his daughter. Those are the women that men do not hesitate to protect. (Not every man does this, some don’t even care about the women closest to them.) It is unimaginable to many men that their belongings should be defiled by anyone (excepting themselves).*
But what about the rest of us?
What about the single women? The ones who don’t have a father to can or will protect them? The ones who don’t believe they should have to need a husband to be taken seriously. Should the single women be forced to get married for this protection?
Why can’t men stop seeing women as property and start seeing them as people? Protect humankind. Don’t just protect your belongings.
And go a step further. Stop seeing women as objects at all. Protect your family, the one you married into, the one with whom you share DNA. But protect also the ones who you call sisters and brothers and mothers and fathers in Christ.
If we cannot do this, what is the family of God, otherwise, but a sham?
*Consider the unfortunate reality of why men still want their wives to be virgins when they get married, but often have a double standard for themselves. Or the fact that, most of the time, only a woman wears an engagement ring. It’s all tied to the idea of women as property, and no one gets her but her husband.
[Tiny Spoiler Alert!! If you haven't read the Hunger Games trilogy, I give away wee bits of plot you might not want to know. But only this first paragraph.] First off, I get way too invested in fictional character’s lives. I’m in the midst of Mockingjay, the third book in the Hunger Games trilogy. I loved the first. The second I decided to hate if they let Peeta die. And the third? I glanced at the last page to ensure I saw Peeta’s name before being willing to read it. He’s quite easily my favourite character (in this series). Katniss, well, I’m still holding judgment on her. I wish she would be straight with us, with herself, with everyone. But maybe she doesn’t know how? I will try to extend her grace as I read this final tome on her life.
Second, I joined Pottermore, and just add that to my list of distractions. So fantastic! I got put in Ravenclaw, and they gave me a wand, and I can do potions and spells!
Third, I am working on real life. A bit. I’ve applied for a few jobs, and I have an interview with a temp agency today. I’ve also readied my Passport Renewal Application and just need to mail it. And, fyi, my passport picture is amazing. I’m pretty stoked that it turned out so well, since Passports stick with you so long.
Maybe today I’ll start going over my thesis notes… reading all those photocopies I didn’t have time to read before. It needs to get done. I do have a timeline to adhere to.
Sometimes, I make dates with the intention of canceling them later. And by sometimes, I mean 98% of the time. On a scale of 1 to 10, how awful is that?
Dates are disgusting.
But in better thoughts, I have a lovely wealth of books to read stacked on my bedside table: The Hunger Games Trilogy (borrowed from my niece), Tom’s Midnight Garden, CultureShock! Ecuador, Chronicle’s of Avonlea, Further Chronicles of Avonlea, The Chrysalids, My Side of the Mountain, Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator, and numerous others. Some I’ve read before, some I’ll be reading for the first time.
I also re-loaded Sims 2 on my computer and have been playing it much too often. Please save me from my alter-reality. I like it way too much.
And I just got back from a delightful weekend in Canada with friends from college. So good!!
That’s all. Have a lovely evening.
Job searching certainly isn’t pleasant. However, I have a few leads for places that are hiring that I wouldn’t mind working at. (It kills me when I end sentences with prepositions, but colloquially, the sentences sound better than with proper grammar.)
I’d prefer to spend the days seeing friends, though.
And, of course, my thesis is still hanging over my head. I really must get a start on it soon.
Not to mention that if I want to be able to understand a word when I move to Ecuador, I’d better get going on my review of Spanish.
Early in the mornings, I take a walk, which usually leads me to the track at my local school. I like walking on the track: I don’t have to worry about dogs barking and scaring me. It’s calm; it’s peaceful; it’s usually empty. And there is a little bunny rabbit that lives near the track. I see her in the mornings, nibbling on clover. I like to make up stories in my head about befriending her. But then I remember that I am irrationally afraid of rabbits. It’s good she keeps her distance.
The first day I was home, I didn’t take a walk in the morning, so I took one that evening, after the day had cooled a bit. As I walked through my neighborhood, I saw a truck stopping to drop off some young 20′s at their home. I couldn’t see who was in the truck, but I could feel their eyes on me. I kept walking, and the truck slowly inched forward, until it reached the end of the neighborhood, and was sitting at the stop sign. There was no traffic, yet it continued to wait until I was side by side with it. But, without sparing a glance, I turned and continued on my way, which was when the truck turned the opposite direction.
I probably missed out on my big chance to flirt with some young guy who thought I was his age.
Or maybe he was just texting someone.
Walking in the mornings makes me feel lonely, but not in a bad way. I enjoy solitude, the quiet of the early day feeds my soul. But I feel the lack. I feel it when I breathe deeply of the crisp air, when I drink in the sight of the misty, morning fog, when I wish there were someone alongside me with whom to share insights, jokes, observations. I wonder if this will always be the case.
Why has no one told me about selling books back to Amazon?? Seriously. This was need-to-know information, and I didn’t know it!
I’m starting a month of Boot Camp (exercise program, not the military) today. I am scared, mostly because I am a weeny. But I got this fantastic deal of a month for $40. Combine that with my extreme desire to lose weight before Ecuador… (Of which I already am losing weight, thanks to livestrong.com.)
And, most happily, my beloved, double-strap Chacos have returned to me from Re-Chaco. They’re my favourites, and now I know why: an employee at REI told me that Chaco was purchased by Merrill a few years ago and now their products are made in China, whereas they used to be made in the States. So my first part was still State-side, but my second, less loved, pair was made in China. Sad day!
Back to work.
I’m home again. We got in last night, a day early because my mom and I finished packing by 2:30pm in the afternoon and I said, why not just go home? So we did. I had several moments while packing where I suggested simply grabbing boxes at random and chucking them. Something like letting fate decide what I kept or didn’t keep. Mom didn’t let me do that, for some reason.
I have spent the entire day, almost, unpacking and re-organizing. My bedroom isn’t very big, and I got used to all that extra space, and now I’m trying to squish everything back in without it feeling squished. The good part is that I’m getting rid of a lot of stuff/clothes. All those items I was iffy on before? Gone. Without a second thought. (Did you know I had kept every calendar I had from 1992 and on? 20 calendars just sitting in my closet… Why??)
Don’t get me wrong. I’ve probably only unpacked half of my things, not counting all my kitchen stuff that won’t be unpacked but simply put into storage. Ugh. I haven’t even touched my books yet. Or found my winter sweaters.
By the way, best thing ever: No Slip Space Saving Hangers. Only, Mom got mine way cheaper at Costco. (She bought me 70, for $15.) They are the saving grace in my closet. I have hung up way more than I’ve ever had in there, and there’s still room! It’s like magic! Seriously, magic!
The end has come: today I have to finish researching for my thesis. I have seven books in my room to get through. Tomorrow my mom comes and we will be packing so that I can move home on Saturday. Yikes!
Yesterday, I met with one of my profs for an hour, the one who lived in Quito, Ecuador for 13 years. He had some really great information for me, especially considering I don’t know where in the country I’ll end up. But it sounds to me as if I’ll prefer the highlands to the lowlands, long-term. Plenty of time, plenty of time… However, I do have to have some time-line in place before October so that I can book tickets. (I hear that I don’t want to wait longer than that to book.) They make you get a return ticket for your temporary work visa, so I’ll probably fly in and out of Quito.
I worry about making big steps like this… I am resistant to change, even good change that I put into effect myself. So I’ve learned that if I prepare and think about it ahead of time, it makes it easier to adjust when the time comes. With something so big, like moving to Ecuador, I want all the help/preparation I can get to ensure it’s a good decision and a good experience.
I suppose that I really ought to get a start on my day, considering it’s already 9am!! Wish me luck!