the end is nigh (and looking great!)

Yesterday the weather was incredible. And it looks like today might be as well.

In light of the weather, I accidentally bought an overload of fruit.  I already had avocados, pears, apples and a cantaloupe at home.  For some reason, I bought a pound of strawberries and some bananas.  This is not a problem except that eating fruit is now  my priority.  I have to make sure to get through it all before it goes bad!

Today I have my Hebrew final and my Greek final (which is a take-home).  And then I am done with coursework.  I still have a few classes to attend (for some reason), but I will be done!

Also, in regard to panicking about future jobs, I have made a compromise with myself.  Obviously I am incapable of simply not worrying about it.  And so I will begin to apply for local jobs that I might want, and near the end of June, will expand my search to other locations.  But at least then I am working toward the inevitable future of needing a real job and the ability to take care of myself.

evidence of hope!

Today I bought this darling Crock-Pot at Target:

It’s a 20 oz personal size Crock-Pot, intended to be taken to work and plugged in on your desk.  Ever since I stopped using microwaves, I’ve worried about what I’ll do when I get a job again someday.  (I do not like cold lunches, as a general rule.)  So this little cutie is waiting for me now.  And this proves that I have hope I’ll get a real job.

 

“I’m just a little black raincloud…” (please envision Winnie the Pooh singing)

I feel like a raincloud.  My heart is just plain discouraged.  All I wish for is the semester to be over, and thankfully, I only have two finals left.

I realized something today: I don’t feel safe with Christians, and especially not Christian men.  That is something of a problem.

How can I escape this conundrum I find myself in?

And does it matter if I finish my masters?  What if I never write my thesis and never get my degree?  Will that hinder me in life?  What if I can’t finish due to circumstances beyond my control?  Do I need another useless degree?

A friend and I brainstormed today what my passions are, but we realized neither of us knows where to look for a job that would use those passions.

It’s a sad day, but maybe tomorrow will get better.

the joy of less

Today I ordered The Joy of Less, A Minimalist Living Guide: How to Declutter, Organize, and Simplify Your Life.  I’m excited.  It’s ironic to me that I’m buying something to help me have less things, but c’est la vie.  It’s the threat of having to move not once, but twice in the near future that has forced me to it.

And if I can just get this paper done that’s due tomorrow, well then, I only have two finals after that.  And then I can start thinking about the future, be it my thesis or a real job or where I shall live.

Less stuff, less stress, simply less.

Please and thank you.

appreciation

I have a few friends in my life who have been walking this year with me and who have been extraordinary.  This is not to say my other friends have not also been amazing, but that these few have been in the position to do more and have done so.

K.L. has simply been there to listen to me, to counsel me, to advise me.  She has been willing to listen to ridiculousness and help me identify root issues.  She’s made time for me, despite having multiple pulls on her life.  Thank you.

H.A. has had to put up with what looks like great inconsistency, as I went through a period of time where I shut out almost everyone.  She waited patiently and loved me despite my lack of love.  She waited until I was ready and has encouraged me through it all.  She’s been there for me, even when she offers a hug and I run away instead of accepting it.  Thank you.

T.B. has been a huge encouragement to me.  He’s understood when I’m upset and has stood by my side, even when I’m acting terribly.  He listens when I need to talk and offers feedback when I want/need it.  He has supported me and given me space to be me, while still encouraging me to grow as a Christian, as a person, as a friend.  Thank you.

I don’t deserve such good friends, but I am so grateful for them.

You know, Jesus was single.

Date three went well, I think. But I’m more confused than ever.  This must be why I always just stay single: it’s easier.  The question I have for myself is if that is really such a bad thing.

Society, especially Christian society, tells us that to be happy in life, one must find a life partner and get married.  And I can see some of the benefits to getting married, especially in the realm of companionship.  But there are also a lot of downsides: lack of independence and lack of freedom being two big ones.

I’m not missing out by being single, no more than married people are missing out by being married.

I like making plans for myself and doing what I want, when I want.  I like not worrying about what the next step is, except for my own personal self.  I like not having to take anyone else into consideration.  I like the lack of vulnerability and the ability to be in control.  (I am not saying those last few are the best things ever, but they are true.)

I suppose I don’t have to make any decisions yet other than if I want to go on date four, if he asks.  It’s like Kevin said to Joe Fox in You’ve Got Mail: “I always take a relationship to the next level, and if it works okay I take it to the next level after that, until I can finally get to the level where it becomes absolutely necessary for me to leave.”

a love story

Instead of panicking about my future (or lack thereof), I’d like to spend some time thinking about things I love.

Today’s love story is about two books I own:

The Visual Food Lover’s Guide

Putting Food By

The first book has been fantastic. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve looked up a food in it to see how to choose it, how to prepare it, what it’s like, what kind of recipes it can be used in, what kinds of other foods it can substitute for.  Especially this year as I’ve been trying a new food each month, I don’t always know what to do with these new foods.  And this book, at a glance, will tell you everything you need to know.  It’s wonderful.

The second book I’ve only used once so far, and that was last night to figure out how to freeze spinach properly.  But it tells you how to store just about any type of food with all the available methods.  It tells how long things will last, what the procedures are; it’s the definitive book on food storage.  Spinach, incidentally, was easy.  You simply blanch it for two minutes, drain it and freeze it.

For you food lovers out there, these two books will be indispensable in your kitchen.  I highly recommend both.

feeling panicked, slightly.

Note to Self: Usually making a proposed budget and figuring out projected cost of living makes you feel better.  But when you realize you have no ability to get a job that will pay enough for the bare minimum of living on your own ($12.50/hour), these budgets will only make you feel panicked.  Stop. Stop now.  You can do nothing about this for months still.

Questions for everyone who reads my blog: How on earth does one find a job that pays a decent wage (see above) thus enabling one to live on one’s own?  (It’s that or find a rich husband, which doesn’t look likely, although I will always hold hope, haha.)  Why don’t I have any marketable skills?  And if I do, what are they?  And if not, who is going to be my roommate to help alleviate the cost of living?  Not that that would solve the problem by any means.  And why am I almost 30 and still unsure of how to survive on my own?

daydreaming and looking to the future

I’m a daydreamer.

My favourite way of dreaming lately is by looking online at jobs, apartments and pets that I can’t have, but that I’d like to think I could have in the future.  It’s too soon.  I have much to do before I can think about moving and settling in a job.  If I can actually get a job.

It’s nearing crunch time for my 30 Before 30 list.  But don’t you worry; it’s looking encouraging.  As soon as school is out, I can devote more time to the remaining items.  Part of me wishes I’d been taking pictures of the things that could get pictures, but I never got around to it, and it’d be silly to start now.  Only one thing will require pictures, and that is my trip to Forks to pretend to be a Twilight Fan.  I think my family is going to meet me there, actually, which will be nice, since that’s where we went almost every year on family camping trips.  Before it turned into Twilight.  I haven’t been there since.

It’s also almost time to move apartments, which they will make me do so that they can clean the carpets in this apartment this summer.  I dread moving.  As in, I dread packing.  I’m trying not to think about it, but every time I do, I consider the practicality of just chucking all of my possessions.  Books?  Clothes?  Craft supplies?  Who needs them?  Here is the plan, though: I am not going to unpack everything this summer.  Only what I need, and the rest can stay in boxes.  That way if I do get to move at the end of the summer, to my own apartment, it won’t feel so daunting.  (Okay, that’s a lie. It will still feel just as daunting.)  I might have to have my mom come and help.  I’m that pathetic.

Well. I suppose that procrastinating any further will just set me up for some sort of failure.  Time to start my day and hit the books.

What is that bright yellow, round thing in the sky?

One of these days, I am going to live where it is good weather most of the time.  These beautiful days make me happy and make me wish they were more often.  Having lived in rainy weather my whole life, I’m used to it.  But I don’t love it like I used to think I did.  Now I realize the truth: I have been oppressed by the rain and am now seeking my liberation.  More or less.

I have a plan.  The semester will end.  I will move apartments (because the school will make me move to a different one).  I will take a short break from thinking.  Then I will start full time on my thesis.  When it’s all the way written (hopefully no later than the end of July), I will find a full time job.  I will work and find a place to move out of school apartments before Fall semester begins.  I will take my thesis course, working on any necessary revisions, during Fall semester, while working full time.  I will graduate and be free.

I sincerely hope this plan works.  It is a good plan.  It does require finding a job that pays more than Target or Starbucks.  That part makes me very nervous.  And it would likely require living where I am for at least a year after I’ve moved out.  Which doesn’t seem like such a bad idea at the moment.  I’m just so used to the idea of keeping all my options open that it feels slightly weird to limit myself.

Sunny days give me hope.