Korea: The Final Chapter.

I’ve decided to not go to Korea after all.  I know.  I know, I know, I know.

But if you know me at all, or if you’ve read this blog long enough, you should not be too surprised.  It’s what I do.  (Make tons of big decisions in small amounts of time, changing my mind quickly.)

Here’s the thing.  There was absolutely no peace about the decision, just anxiety.  And I couldn’t eat and felt sick to my stomach, both the same tells that I have gotten whenever I’ve made a decision (or been about to make a decision) that I knew was a bad idea.  This one was just a little harder to decipher.

I wanted it to work.  And maybe if I didn’t have the kittens, I could have made it work or made it into a not-bad decision.  And I know throwing the kittens under the bus sounds ridiculous, but I’m certainly not saying they were the only influence.

So that makes 3 jobs I’ve turned down in less than a month.  My next goal is to find a job and say yes.

What is going on with me?!?

I need to decide if I should drop my Hebrew class.  It’s the only class I don’t need this semester.

Here’s the problem.  I wasn’t prepared for my Greek class (for example, I translated ανερχομαι as απερχομαι, which doesn’t seem like a big deal, but shouldn’t have happened, and I got an 80% on my quiz which has never happened before in Greek), I turned in one page for the draft of a minimum ten page paper in my Colloquium class, and in Hebrew, I did maybe 1/3 of the assigned work this week.

This is not like me.  This is not my norm, nor is it okay.  I never don’t do my work.  I do whatever it takes to get it done.  So what on earth is going on?  I can’t allow this.  But a lot of it isn’t for lack of time spent, it’s just that nothing got done, somehow.

Half the problem is my stupid, stupid Colloquium class, where I have no idea what to do or how to do it, and no matter how many times I’ve told the teacher, I get no response.  So that major stresses me out.  Especially because it’s required.  And I’m not okay with substandard work (which, apparently, is all I’ve done this week).

So what do I do?  Do I soldier on and attempt to do better?  Or do I drop my one non-required class and hope that that makes the difference?  Tomorrow is the last day to drop without penalty, though, so I am on a time-limit.

perspective

A friend of mine tweeted this last night:  “I don’t think God typically cares where we are so long as we are being faithful there. Unless he makes a specific command it’s up to us.”

Where, what, how, perhaps those all fall into the same category.  I like to compartmentalize everything.  I like to have everything clearly labeled.  I don’t like the messiness of real life, of living out faith.  And I quickly lose perspective and simply zone in on one aspect of whatever situation I am in, instead of trying to step back and see it big picture.  Hence I find myself backed into corners, all the time.  Because I back myself there.

I need reminders of reality.  I need reminders that we’re not merely puppets, but that God allows us quite a bit of freedom in life, provided we are living out faith.  My life is not a mapped out perfectly for me, with every step meticulously planned, so that I have to fear of making a wrong step which will plunge me into inescapable failure.  That’s not how God works.  And I know that.  I just forget it.  Frequently.

But God is good.  And He is patient.  And He is faithful.

Change & decision making.

A note before I write about what I wanted to say: every time I go home to my parents’ house, one of the first things I do is doctor all my mom’s plants back into the land of the living.  It is amazing to me how in such a short amount of time (four months) she can nearly kill all of them.  By the end of the week I’m here, they should be back on track, but goodness knows that won’t last.

Now… change.  The older I get, the more it is obvious to me that I don’t like change, neither good nor bad.  I think this is something I’ve written about before, but it constantly surprises me how resistant I am to change.  It’s like I need to have the idea presented, then I need to be allowed to ruminate on it, then I can accept it.  But to simply be presented with a change and expected to immediately accept it?  Never.

Decisions go along with change.  Making a decision feels like making a change, so it follows the same line of reasoning, frequently.

It is not as if I cannot change or make new decisions that change previous plans: it is that I need to have it as an idea for awhile first.  I need to have the chance to consider it first.  Then I am more than willing to try something new or to change directions.  This is why God and I so often wrestle with new things in my life.  He presents something and I ignore it, then He brings it up again and again until I have dealt with it.  But He’s a patient God.

How I make decisions… in truth.

A quick note before what I really want to talk about: the problem with working at being more friendly and open is that people think it means you want them around…  Now, while that is sometimes true, often I am merely interested in getting my homework done, and as two thirds of my classes are language classes, I frequently need a lot of space. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve come to the cafe and been pushed out of my own space by people taking over, so that I, who was there first, who picked the exact table I wanted, had to move.  I just want to work in peace.

Onto the real topic, now that I’ve displayed my selfishness for the world to see.  I’m not sure that I ever articulate my decision making process very well, either in real life or in my online life.  But my decisions are completely dependent on what I perceive the will of God to be for my life…  So, if I sense He is pushing me in one direction or the other, that is how I make my decisions.  Sometimes we argue about it, sometimes I try to make other decisions, but always, always He is persistent and always I end up following His design, instead of my own.

Most recently, I have felt as though God is telling me to switch into the MDiv TS program.  I have been waffling; I have been pushing it off.  But I’m finally giving in.  The problem is that I have no clear sense that I will actually finish this degree (whereas with the MABS I knew I would finish).  So why would God ask me to switch into a program I may or may not finish?  I have no idea.  But okay. If that’s what He wants, then I’ll do it.

In an unrelated note, World Next Door is hiring a Communications Coordinator.  I am sorely tempted to apply, as it looks like it’s right up my alley and would be work I would love to do.  But I can’t see myself picking up and moving right now.  I don’t know!  The likelihood is that I wouldn’t get the job anyway, so perhaps there is no harm in applying?  Or perhaps I should not bother?  But what if I did apply and did get offered the job?  Could I make that decision wisely at this point in my life?  What of my education?  And so on.

[Update: I decided to not apply nor to tempt myself to apply. I know that God has me here, so there's no point in daydreaming about moving until He says to do so.]

Decisions & Sermons

I went to my friend’s church today instead of my own.  I’m not sure what possessed me to go, because I’ve been before and I knew it’s not where I should currently be.  But I felt the need to go, to remember I don’t mind the drive to my own church, etc.  And you know what?  God had me there for a reason.

The sermon was fantastic.  It was about making decisions by faith instead of sight, so relying on what God sees instead of what I see.  And it was just what my heart needed to hear.  As I sit in the midst of all these decisions, it was so good to hear that God has a plan, that He is in control and that I just need to be content to wait on Him as He directs my path.

Sometimes I’m confused by the doors God either opens or closes in my life.  But I can rest confidently in the knowledge that I am in the palm of His hand, that He is taking care of me every step of the way.  He has been and always will be faithful; He has never let me down, nor will He.

Praise God that He can see everything when I only see a small window.

ETS Considerations

I think I used to be able to make decisions.  But that ability has long since disappeared.

For instance, the ETS annual meeting is in about a month.  I have an invite to drive there with one of my profs, and there is another student with whom I could share a hotel room.  Two of my favourite profs from undergrad will be there and one of the gals I was friends with, but haven’t seen since graduation.

And yet.  The time!  The money!   I should say no, but I want to say yes.  Someone else make the decision for me?  (OR give me the money so it’s an easier decision?)

I stress myself out.

Too many questions!

Should I attend a home community?  Should I make time for theology pub?  Should I write my thesis on gender?  Should I continue school after this year?  I’m clearly blessed with the ability to learn languages easily, how do I use that in my life?  What will I do after this year?  What will I do, ever?  Why am I still single?  (Why? What? How? When? Where?)

Yes. Yes. Yes. Probably not? I have no idea. Who knows. Good question. Only God knows.

There, most of the answers I’ve given myself.  But I am haunted by the fear that I am making the wrong decisions all the time.

Theologically, I don’t think that’s possible.  Even if I made the so-called wrong decision, I believe that God turns all things into good for those who love Him.  But regardless of that, if I am walking in His will, listening to His counsel, He is not leading me down the “wrong” path.

So what am I so worried about?

brace yourselves…

I’ve always considered myself to be a planner, to the -enth degree.  But I’ve noticed an interesting tendency in my life to make impulsive decisions whenever it comes to large life changes.  I wonder if I get so annoyed at my own planning and need for detail that I sabotage that part of me by making big decisions, spur of the moment.  And yet, many of those decisions have been the best I’ve made.

That said, I’m going to grad school in 2.5 weeks. 

I called up my school yesterday, asking about attending in January, since I knew I’d missed the boat for this semester.  They said, “are you sure it’s too late?”  And that’s how it all started.  I had to update my application (done), apply for housing (done) and submit my updated FAFSA (done).  I’ve paid the fees, including the registration fee.  And it even looks like I have a very good chance of getting my own room in the housing.  (They offer two bedroom apartments, with between 2-4 students per apartment.)  Move in date is August 25, with orientation on August 27.

The timing could not be better.  I finished VISTA, have no other job lined up.  Yes, I’ll be leaving friends and the class I teach at church, but that would always be the case.  I don’t have any money, but I never will (here’s to hoping student loans will cover everything).  So I’m taking this huge step of faith, but it seems like everything is lining up perfectly.  And this decision feels right and feels good.  I really think God cleared the way for this to work out.

I am incredibly excited.

Decisions that plague me.

Do I watch 30Rock, take a bath and read a good book, or go to sleep?  If only the wireless in our house worked, then I could watch 30Rock while taking a bath.  Sleep might be overrated, anyway, as I wake up just as tired as I was the night before.  And 30Rock has to be a priority in  my life because I have a sneaky suspicion I might be Liz Lemon in another 10 years.  But the idea of a luxurious bath…so relaxing…so warm.

What are the frivolous decisions that plague you?