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1. It is nearly impossible to come home and write my thesis after spending all day with a baby. Panic is setting in. (But I’m going to my school post baby sitting job for a half a week or a week to use the library and focus on finishing up this paper.)
2. I missed using shampoo too much. So I went back. Still sulfate free, of course. And my hair felt silky and delightful and I thought: Who cares if shampoo free is healthier? This is better. And it is. It is.
3. I want to be single. The reality of the idea of a relationship makes me realize how much I do not want to be in one. I don’t want to be tied down. I cherish my independence and freedom. I want to get up in the mornings, have a cup, or two, of coffee, enjoy the hilarity of my kitten, all on my own time. I want to cook whatever food I want, and I want to love it without any dissenting voices. I want to go on trips or not. I don’t want the obligation to see someone when I don’t want to see them. I want to eat ice cream for breakfast on Saturdays (sometimes). I want to read books until I feel sick. I want to watch the same movie ten times because I love it that much. I want to take any job, move to any state. I want hours by myself every day, without anyone to bother me.
Date three went well, I think. But I’m more confused than ever. This must be why I always just stay single: it’s easier. The question I have for myself is if that is really such a bad thing.
Society, especially Christian society, tells us that to be happy in life, one must find a life partner and get married. And I can see some of the benefits to getting married, especially in the realm of companionship. But there are also a lot of downsides: lack of independence and lack of freedom being two big ones.
I’m not missing out by being single, no more than married people are missing out by being married.
I like making plans for myself and doing what I want, when I want. I like not worrying about what the next step is, except for my own personal self. I like not having to take anyone else into consideration. I like the lack of vulnerability and the ability to be in control. (I am not saying those last few are the best things ever, but they are true.)
I suppose I don’t have to make any decisions yet other than if I want to go on date four, if he asks. It’s like Kevin said to Joe Fox in You’ve Got Mail: “I always take a relationship to the next level, and if it works okay I take it to the next level after that, until I can finally get to the level where it becomes absolutely necessary for me to leave.”
I’m falling further and further behind with where I should be right now. But when my whole body is protesting life, it’s hard to sit and do homework. It’s easy to sit with an ice pack on my chest, a heating pad on my back and a show on my computer. Saturday and Sunday hurt more than the recent days, oddly. I don’t think I did anything I wasn’t supposed to.
My independent spirit is being tested. I have to ask for rides to the grocery, then for my ride to carry my groceries. I had to ask my housemate to carry my laundry to and from the laundry room for me. And until I get a car, I have to ask for a ride if I care to go anywhere. Not that I’m doing much of that lately. Just being out and about campus wears me out.
Next week is Easter, and it occurred to me that I have nowhere to go. So I asked a fellow student who also has nowhere to go to have Easter dinner with me. We’re going to have ham, because that seems very Easter-ish (ironically). I’m glad she’ll join. Maybe we’ll watch a movie, too. We joked about watching The Passion. Although apropos, we’re not fans of violence. Is that a bad thing to say? I already have an overactive imagination. I don’t need the help. What are other good Jesus movies?
In other news, I miss my friends from home. I miss my church. I miss having a church and fellowship and people who know me and care about me. I’m going to try reverse psychology, and after I have a car again, I’m going to try out a church that I didn’t think I would like from the first I heard about it. I keep trying out churches I do think I’ll like, so maybe this is a good strategy. Or maybe it’s a terrible strategy. Time will tell.
And finally, I get to register for Fall classes on Wednesday. I’m super excited. I just need to decide if I should take Hebrew or not. It would be extra, just for fun, because it doesn’t fit in my program, sadly.
Let it be known: I should be in bed.
That said, I was dancing in the parking lot on my way home after work. I haven’t been swing dancing since August, and I miss it. I miss the physical exercise; I miss the people; I miss the sensuality. I might get to go over Christmas break (here’s hoping), but now I’m worried that I’ve forgotten how to dance. And so, I must take my opportunities and practice my footwork.
I like being a free agent. I like my independence. I like doing what I want, when I want. I like not having to check in with anyone. I like being able to flirt with the men at the mall. I like taking myself on dates. I like being by myself.
I know that God said “it is not good for man to be alone,” but I’m pretty sure He actually meant men, not women. Take that as you will.
I’m going to bed.