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Today, I got a great new haircut, plus highlights (which I have never done before). The highlights are really well done–they look like they belong in my hair. The stylist did such a fantastic job; I’ll definitely go back if I stay in the area. Anyway, I more or less just went in and asked for suggestions. I figure that now that I’m done with school (nearly), and getting ready to join the real world (think interviews and a job), I should update my look to something more grown-up and professional than simply straight, no style hair. I love it.
I applied for a job at my school. I’m hoping for a chance to talk to the hiring person while I’m down there this weekend. I’m not actually sure if it would pay enough (as in, I have no idea what the pay rate is), but I believe I would like the position. It’s for an admissions counselor for the seminary. And of course, I think I would be a good fit. I mean, I went to the school, so I could be a valuable asset to the team. Right? (Plus, then I could take a class each semester with my alumni free class, and maybe get in more languages!)
Most of the time, I think that moving home from Portland was a good idea. What was I going to accomplish in Portland that I couldn’t accomplish here? Minus get farther into debt…
And at the time, where I was emotionally, I had to have a change. I had to go somewhere else, somewhere where I had a better support system. (My few friends in Portland, however, are spectacular. So do not think I am discounting them.)
But… I miss those few friends. And I miss taking language classes… both Greek and Hebrew. I am dying that I’m not in Hebrew with my good friend, H., right now. I want to take more of both languages, but I don’t want to take Hebrew from anyone except Dr. J and Dr. K. Period. So what’s a girl to do??
I am so addicted to school. Even in the midst of hating the task of writing my thesis (trying to write), I keep finding myself scheming to find ways to stay in school. To continue. I am sick. Or insane. But unfortunately quite poor and unable to support my habit/addiction.
Or maybe it’s just that I’ve never known a life outside of being a student. It’s who I am. What I do. How I define myself and my life and my purpose. But that has to end someday, right?
I’m so confused.
Today feels like it has a good chance of being productive. I got up at 7am on the nose (sleeping in!), went for a walk, and cleaned the bathroom. I am meeting a friend for coffee at 11am, but intend to bring my thesis research so I can read afterwards.
I have an idea for a story, a book. I’ve written down my inspiration for it (which came from a dream), and am now working on seeing if I can flesh out the details enough to have a go at writing it. Not that I can let this distract me from my thesis. But maybe it can be a prize for when I’ve finished my daily work?
I’m still worried about finding a job after my thesis. A real job. One I can live on. I suppose that, worse comes to worst, I could always get a second bachelors degree, one that would be practical. I’m already looking into it as a side idea. Not that I want an additional 2-3 years of school. But how hard can undergrad be once I’ve finished a masters? Wouldn’t it be like a walk in the park? (Or so I console myself.)
I feel like a raincloud. My heart is just plain discouraged. All I wish for is the semester to be over, and thankfully, I only have two finals left.
I realized something today: I don’t feel safe with Christians, and especially not Christian men. That is something of a problem.
How can I escape this conundrum I find myself in?
And does it matter if I finish my masters? What if I never write my thesis and never get my degree? Will that hinder me in life? What if I can’t finish due to circumstances beyond my control? Do I need another useless degree?
A friend and I brainstormed today what my passions are, but we realized neither of us knows where to look for a job that would use those passions.
It’s a sad day, but maybe tomorrow will get better.
Today I ordered The Joy of Less, A Minimalist Living Guide: How to Declutter, Organize, and Simplify Your Life. I’m excited. It’s ironic to me that I’m buying something to help me have less things, but c’est la vie. It’s the threat of having to move not once, but twice in the near future that has forced me to it.
And if I can just get this paper done that’s due tomorrow, well then, I only have two finals after that. And then I can start thinking about the future, be it my thesis or a real job or where I shall live.
Less stuff, less stress, simply less.
Please and thank you.
I’ve been watching the LOTR trilogy again. And I realized I’d like to cut out most parts with golem or fighting in them. I’m not sure what that leaves me with, but it’s not much. I think I would like a whole movie just about the Shire, with the Hobbits. I don’t need a lot of excitement; I’m fine with just a happy story.
There are only four weeks left to the semester. I wonder what it will feel like to call my time my own again. Of course, I’ll be working on my thesis, and then when that’s done, finding a job, so it’s not as if I will be entirely free. But even with my thesis, I plan on having set work hours, so that I can be free (guilt-free) in the evenings and on weekends.
And I’ve been thinking: my allergies to cats aren’t very severe. I like cats much better than dogs in the end–I prefer independent animals. I think when I move out, I will get a kitten. That way it can be on its own, and I don’t have to feel bad.
Thursday is date two. Should I really be telling the internet about this?
I’m having one of those days. All I can think about is buying a truck and driving until I find the right place. It doesn’t have to be much. Just somewhere I don’t know anyone, where I can get a one bedroom apartment or small house with a washer and dryer inside and a toy poodle puppy to be my friend.
I just want to quit school, which, quite frankly, would be incredibly stupid half way through the semester. But… I don’t actually think I have enough money to take my last class next semester, so does it matter? I can’t believe I could get this far and potentially not be able to afford to finish.
Damn not having any money. And you know, I never will have any. No marketable skills. Getting a masters degree that will qualify me to teach a woman’s bible study, for free.
Why didn’t I stay in nursing school? Or at least pick a degree with the potential to get me a job when I finished?
Kids: let this be a lesson to you. Do NOT go to school for a degree you love. Go to school for a degree that will get you a job.
I am enjoying a lazy morning today. I will probably regret this after I have to rush off to my first class in an hour. But at the moment, I am sitting in my pajamas, eating my oatmeal and have just finished finding more typical Dominican recipes to try.
In two weeks, I’m going home for Spring Break. Praise Jesus. I need to be somewhere that isn’t here.
I hardly got any homework done this last weekend, but I did spend a lot of time with people, feeding my soul. I feel as if I’m on the precipice of emotional stability at all times, and all it will take is one small push to put me over that edge. So, in some ways, school is taking a back seat while I am trying to tend to my emotional well being for once.
I want a truck. I really, really want a truck. I think I will talk to my dad about it when I’m home, see what he thinks. In theory, I could sell my car and buy one. I’m just not sure that’s a wise decision. It’s certainly nothing I’d do until after this semester. Incidentally, I’m not sure I have enough money for my last class (the thesis in the Fall), and I won’t be able to get loans, so that could be a potential problem. But obviously one that I’m not going to worry about until Summer.
Time to get a real start on my day.
Apparently, it’s Leap Day, which makes this Leap Year. Somehow, I missed that information until this morning, when I didn’t notice on my own, but read about it on some of the blogs I follow.
I would like to blame school.
Skyping with a friend last night, we were talking about our busy schedules, and how we’ve done it to ourselves. No one made us sign up for grad school. And our inner drives to be A students keep us extra stressed. It seems that if we were okay with less than perfection, even with busyness, our lives would feel better.
But I have this idea in my head that if I allow myself to get anything less than an A, I will nullify any chances I might have had of getting a PhD someday. The thing is, I’m not even sure if Iwant a PhD. I just want to know I could. It’s sick.
Although, I did have the idea of getting a library sciences degree. You need a second masters, which I’m getting right now, and then I could be a theological librarian. How cool would that be? Something to think on.
So, Happy Leap Day, which, while it gives you an extra day, gives you no extra time.
As frustrated as I am with my classes, as overwhelmed as I feel, as much as I do not want to be in any one of them this semester, there is still something entirely soothing about sitting down and working through a Greek translation. I might hate the assignment, I might think the particulars are ridiculous, but the actual working through of the language and grammar feels so right.
I just need to channel my frustrations into healthy feelings.
I can do this.