1. I have been a Compassion Sponsor for many years now, on my third child. But I no longer subscribe to Christianity, plus the organization doesn’t approve of me as a gay person (to put it baldly and honestly). I want to cancel, but does that make me a horrible person, since the kid herself has nothing to do with any of that?
  2. How much money can I spend on boxer briefs before it becomes ridiculous?
  3. How does short term dating work?  I’m not ready for a long term anything.  I understand going on a couple dates then calling it quits, but does intentionally dating someone short term mean you’re an asshole?  (Short term = a couple/few months tops?)  Not to say I’m in that position yet, but I have to figure it out before I am. [Side note: B told me that I’ll know I’m ready for a long-term relationship when I’m tired of dating. She said as long as I’m really enjoying just the plain idea of going on dates with all the women, I’m not ready to settle down into anything. I think she is right.]
  4. It’s possible to make friends with other single lesbians and just be friends, right?  Because I’m banking on that being true.  I can’t see why not…
  5. I need a physical activity to get into, like a sport but not a sport because I’m not a sports kind of gal. Not running, so don’t get all excited.  I’m thinking of buying a bike.  Is a bike a good idea?  What is the likelihood of getting run down by a maniac in a car?

It happened.  I got the job.  My last day at my current place is February 12th.  So soon!  I’ll start at the new one on February 16th (the 15th is a holiday).

The nice thing is that most of my co-workers will miss me.  Some, I am sure, will do a happy dance to have me gone.  But to be honest, those are the ones that likely give me the most grief anyway.

And that means that this summer, when my lease is up, I can move to the city.  But what a big move.

—-

This weekend, I am seeing my best friend in person for the first time in almost three years.  She is in the area (sort of) for a work thing, so I am traveling to her for the weekend–at least, for today and tomorrow. Sunday I still need to be here to get things done for next week.  But I can’t wait.  This morning I’m just getting ready to head out.

Incidentally, why do I require so many things for one night away?  It’s ridiculous.

I’ve been working on the steps I need to take to accomplish my goals for 2016.  I updated my resume and my linkedin (with a lot of help from a friend).  I bought an interview outfit.  I started applying to jobs this week.

On Wednesday, I turned my resume in for a job that I thought looked interesting.  Thursday morning, I got an invitation for an interview on Friday.  Friday, yesterday, I had the interview.  It went really well, actually.  I wasn’t sure about the job until then–but the more I learned about the position and the company, the more I wanted to work there.  After the interview, I got an email asking for references.  So I suppose that means they truly are interested (which I thought they were).

Now, I won’t know until next week if they’re going to offer the job.  And they still have to offer the right salary (incidentally, I’m researching how to negotiate a salary just in case).

But those of you who know me know that I am a slow adapter.  I don’t do well with change, even if it’s change I’m choosing for myself.  When I started job hunting, I figured it would be a long time before I even heard back from someone.  To hear back so quickly and to have it go so well gives me all sorts of anxiety.

It’s not that I’m not ready for the next step.  I am.  It’s time to move on.  But if I get this job, it represents the ability to move to the city when my lease is up.  And that’s an even bigger change.  I want this job, so if I get an offer, I will be pleased.  But I’d be leaving my work friends and the comfort of a job I could do in my sleep.

So if I get this job, after job hunting for less than a week, then I will be working toward getting ready to move this summer.  And when I move, I will be closer to other queers, to women I want to date, to everything else.  It just seems to fast.  And maybe they won’t offer.  Or maybe they won’t be able to give me my salary requirements.  But maybe they will.  We’ll see.

Oh good god, let’s not talk about last weekend.  I learned a new lesson about alcohol, though.

I have two dates lined up this weekend.  Both are first dates with new women.  Part of me questions why I would do such a thing to myself, especially since I’ll have to go into the city for both, which is a pain.  But… women!

 

I’m not exactly making a statement here, but dating is a ton of fun.  So until I find someone to settle down with, I’m going to enjoy it.

Coffee is legitimately the elixir of life.  A couple weeks ago, I went on a day trip with a new friend, and we planned to get coffee before we started our journey.  She brought cold brew in her backpack on the off-chance we couldn’t find anywhere open in the area. Obviously, this friend is a keeper.

“There will be no foolish wand waving or silly incantations in this class.”  Alan Rickman, I will miss you.  Not just as Snape, but Colonel Brandon, Marvin (the paranoid android), and much more.  The tributes from his fellow co-stars and friends have been heart-warming.

I’m going out tonight, and it’s deciding to be disgusting weather.  Rainy, chilly, disappointing.  It was so nice earlier today that I actually opened my living room window for awhile.  But now, when I’m thinking about leaving cozy warmth of my couch, it has to get gross.  Plus there was a wreck on my route, so I’m periodically checking google maps to see when I will actually need to leave.  I’m hoping it clears up before then.  (Can we just note how cool it is to live in the future where you can check real time traffic at a moment’s notice from the comfort of your living room?)

Happy three day weekend, everyone. I’m off to do things.

Clothes really are more important than I ever gave them credit for being.

Wearing women’s clothing for the vast majority of my life, I thought it was normal and expected that one would feel uncomfortable in their own clothes.  Every day when I looked in the mirror, the best I would give myself was “good enough.”  And while I didn’t like that, I also didn’t question it much.  (To my detriment.)

I’ve recently started wearing only  men’s clothing.  (Technically men’s clothing. As one of my friends said, she’s a woman, so the clothes she’s wearing are women’s clothes, despite the fact she purchased them in the men’s section.)  The first day I wore all men’s clothes to work, I cried because it felt so good.  And now when I look in the mirror, my response is closer to “damn, I look good.”

And I feel good.  I never knew you could feel so good in your own clothes.  It is the best thing ever.  (There are a lot of best things in my life lately.)

Today I waged war on my closet.  I took out nearly all of my women’s clothes and bundled them up.  I’m going to donate them to a local women’s shelter, rather than just dump them at the thrift store.  I feel like if I’m getting rid of an entire wardrobe, I should do so in a meaningful way.

I’m basically starting from scratch, but now I feel like I can build my closet with pieces I truly love and end up with less.  Which will be nice.

What I want to know is, what’s so wrong with friend dating?  I guess what I mean by that is, it seems to be my fate, but I think that has more to do with who I am than anything else.  I’m not one to get to know people quickly.  When I meet people in normal life, I tend to wait quite a bit of time before warming up to them (there have been a few exceptions, but very few).

So falling into a relationship has never seemed like something I will be able to do.  I’ve often wondered how I’m supposed to make the popular dating style work for me.  I like the idea of just getting to know people first, then deciding to date them later.

I like going on dates, and I have no problem with going on series of first dates.  But if I’m interested enough to go on a second or third date, then I’m probably interested enough to let myself go on an indefinite amount of friend dates.  I’m not a quick mover.  I can let myself be influenced by a quick mover, but it’s nothing I’m a fan of inherently.  And I’m not sure the quick mover method would even work for me.  (I have a few exhibits I’d like to pull up here, but they’re women I never mentioned.  Suffice to say, they wanted to jump into a relationship, and I wanted to run away.)

On the other than, as I have mentioned previously (I believe), I only have so much emotional energy to invest in meeting new people.  So when I meet someone, am interested in them (as a person, as potentially more), and want to keep seeing them, I have a really hard time continuing to meet other people.  That’s where I question the wisdom of my own methods.  Am I limiting myself?  But if it doesn’t bother me, does it matter?

It does seem to bother other people in my life, and maybe I am letting them influence me unnecessarily.  Why should it matter to them how I date or don’t date?  What if I like my ways?  Why should I change?  It’s not as if I have a quota to fill or a deep desire to jump into bed with every woman I meet (to be clear: no real desire to jump into any stranger’s bed).  So if I only meet one new woman every now and again, so long as I am enjoying myself and not feeling poorly about it, shouldn’t it be okay?

It’s not as if I shut down my dating apps or refuse to look around.  I’m just not always compelled by what I see.  I’m choosy about friends (and potential relationships).  I’m not one to be friends with just anyone.  I never have been.

So maybe my conclusion is that I like friend dating.  I like my ways.  I don’t want to change.  And I’m not going to.  But I might stop telling people about my dating life who won’t give me full support.  That seems to be a wise decision.

It’s 2016.  It’s hard to believe that another year is starting.  It seems like last year went so quickly.

It’s already off to a great start.  I had a fantastic day today.  I went on a ferry ride, had coffee and a donut, walked around a little touristy town, enjoyed a little antique shop, tried to enjoy a town museum (the docents were very persistent), sat in an alligator boat/kayak/flotation device, had some mediocre food, and enjoyed the company of another person.

It was also a beautiful day, although incredibly crisp.  And by crisp, I mean it wasn’t above freezing until well into the day.  By the time I got home, I was frozen.  However, now I’ve warmed up again, and I’m feeling good.

This year is going to rock.

I don’t do resolutions.  But I do have some goals for next year.  And I thought that for posterity’s sake, I’d post them here.  I’m a little early, but such it is.

-I need a new job. I need one that challenges me, gives me opportunity for growth, makes me feel good about myself (as opposed to bad), and increases my income a reasonable amount.

-I want my next move to be into the city. That means my next job also needs to be in the city.  The women I meet, the things I want to do, they’re all in the city.  So that’s where I need to be.

-I’d like to have a relationship sometime in the next year.  I hesitate to make this a goal, as I believe that relationships can’t be forced and have to happen organically.  So perhaps this one is more of a hope.

-If I were able to convince myself, I’d put something about health here.  I really need to get in a routine of exercise, in one form or another.  I went ice skating this weekend, and it felt great.  Just the act of physical exertion–fantastic.

So, we’ll see how it goes.  I feel as though these are realistic and would be good for me.  I’m ready, 2016: come and get me.

Oh god, holidays bum me out so bad.  Even when I try to be not bummed, they still bum me out.  Regardless, I just made cinnamon roll dough (in the fridge overnight) and cream cheese frosting for tomorrow morning.  It’s my one semi-regular holiday offering.  I say semi-regular because sometimes I suck and don’t follow through (like at Thanksgiving this year).

I’m experiencing some friend-drama, which I hate.  There is just no need for it.  Plus such bad timing, what with my being bummed out by holidays already.

I went on a coffee date today, which lasted four hours and went well.  I have that ice skating date on Saturday (with a different woman).  I’m totally working it, folks.  There’s another woman I’ve been talking to who I might try to set something up with, but three at once is a bit much for me.  Oh, and there’s a woman I just started talking to on facebook (yes, I know) who might be moving to Seattle.  Not that I’m trying to date her, obviously, but all new people take emotional energy.

I am hoping tomorrow goes well. Or, at least, better than Thanksgiving.

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