I survived the weekend.  The shower went really well–I think everyone had a good time.  I had one ‘minor’ personal hitch, but I am not going to tell about it online, so if you’re curious, you should ask me in real life.  It’s worth it.  (And was entirely mortifying, hence the refusal to write about it here.)

I did go on a hike with my friend on Saturday.  It was a really good hike, although I think that I should have picked a slightly easier one for my first hike in two years.  It ended up being 8.2 miles, steady incline (~2000 ft), tons of crib stairs.  It was beautiful, though.  And my friend never made me feel as pathetic as I know I was.  She was totally great about all of it: let me go slow, let me rest, never made me feel like she wished she could go faster.  (She and her partner have been hiking every weekend for quite some time now, so she’s pretty kick-ass.)

Here’s a couple pictures from the hike:

DSCN1062

DSCN1077

Oh the time, it flies.

This is the shower weekend. Today I’m going reception dress shopping in the city with my friend.  She needs something she can dance in.  (Which reminds me–I MUST start going swing dancing again. I’m supposed to help teach guests how!)  Then tomorrow, as it turns out, I have the day off from maid-of-honor responsibilities: I think my other friend and I are going to hang out–do something outside, maybe a hike?

Oooo!  Speaking of which, last weekend I spent all the money ever and purchased new hiking gear!  I got new boots, socks, liner socks (I didn’t know that was a thing), a day pack (it’s beautiful!), a first aid kit (easier than making your own), a pair of pants that turn into shorts (and are not cotton, like everything else I own), and a guide book to hikes within two hours of where I live.  I’m so ready to start hiking again.  For real!

Then, back to Sunday, it’s the shower day!  I’m still losing on coming up with good games. I’ve found a few, sort of, but I’m not sure how much I like them–the internet is failing me!  Ugh!  I was supposed to be done with this by now!  (Oh man, too many exclamation points.)

In other news, I am painting my toenails NEON PINK.  Yes, that required capital letters.  I might wear my chacos today (as will my friend).  So my toes needed to be ready to be seen by the world at large.

And finally, a note about how confusing it gets to mention more than one friend in this blog without using any distinguishing marks, but to still be able to tell that it’s separate people.

So I guess my last post came off as really sad.  Not pathetic sad, but sad-sad.  (This from my best friend.)  That certainly wasn’t my intention–I was merely expressing my current state of mind, on a whim, to the blogosphere.  So don’t think I’m sitting around boo-hooing.  I’m not.  I still may want things I do not have, but I’m sure that is only a temporary conundrum, until I remember again that what I have is enough.

Or maybe, I just need to get out of online dating, which is depressing, and learn to meet people in real life.  Maybe then I wouldn’t have to merely be happy with what I have, but could actually have what I want.

I know I try online dating a lot.  I know each time I come away saying “never again.”  And I know I have good reasons for quitting (and terrible ones for starting anew).  But in the end, I am just not sure I have the right personality for it.  Also, if I may toot my own horn a bit, I think I am a pretty awesome person.  I have a decent sense of humor, I’m intelligent, I am fun.  But I don’t think I can adequately convey myself online in a way that is compelling. (Plus I dislike trying to connect with someone in such flat format.)  So I either need a ghost writer for my profile (I hear this is a thing), or I should just focus on meeting people in real life.

On a side note, somewhat related: I have so much more emotional energy with my new job!  Since I don’t spend all day talking/interacting with people, I actually want to hang out with people/friends after work and on weekends.  This is amazing!  Now I just need to make more friends because I only have one in the immediate area, and she has a life outside of me.  (Weird, right?  As if I’m not enough…)

Oh god, I am going to be alone forever.

I want to only be happy with where I am and what I have in life.  But sometimes I am just so lonely that I despair of the days which stretch out before me, the same as they have always been.

I blame all my friends in happy, healthy, long-term relationships, who are showing me just what I am missing out on.

I am tired of doing everything by myself.  I do desire companionship.  But I seem incapable of obtaining it.

I want someone to wake up to, with whom to drink a morning cup of coffee.

I want someone to wrap their arms around me, to hold me at night.

I want someone to be a part of, who will be a part of me.

I want to wear someone, skin to skin, heart to heart.

I know what I want, but how do I get it?

Online dating is the worst.  And yet, I’m back again.

You know what/who else is the worst?  Jillian Michaels.  Ever since I got the new job at work, I’ve nearly given up on exercise, but I’m really starting to feel like a sluggard.  So this morning, with fresh commitment in my heart, I decided to jump start intentional movement (aka exercise) again.  Jillian’s 30 Day Shred, even Level 1, is brutal.  I can’t imagine ever being good enough to progress to the next level (there are 3).  Probably because I hate it so much I don’t use that video very often.  (A vicious cycle.)

And it’s April, you guys.  April!  Do you know–my friend’s shower is in 2 weeks?!?!  This weekend I need to get a move on prepping/finishing things that need to get done ahead of time.  But I want to play this weekend.  Life, how you smite me with your responsibilities.

I never have anything to say anymore.

I gave my number to a guy, but I don’t think he’s going to call.  But for all I know he’s in a relationship or is gay.  (I would like to state that I would welcome a friendship, regardless–he’s super cool.)  So kudos for me for bravery, and hopefully he won’t be weird about it when I see him again since he apparently isn’t going to call me, even though he should?

I went into the city today for a change of scenery.  I got a bunch of shopping for my friend’s wedding shower done.  I also purchased a few things for myself.  They are amazing, by the way, such as a super cool new skirt for the summer.  And I finished the day by seeing friends.  I even pretended to watch a soccer game with a couple of them.  I mean, they were watching the game, and I was looking in the direction of the game, but I was not seeing anything.  Hopefully my chatter wasn’t too annoying.  (haha)

Speaking of skirts… I haven’t shaved my legs since October.  And I kind of want to just not shave again.  I think I am actually fine with the idea of wearing shorts and skirts with hairy legs.  If men can, why can’t I?  Body hair is 100% normal, and is not something we should be ashamed of.  We all have hair on our legs (among other places, ahem.)  If my hair legs offend someone, they are probably not anyone I want in my life anyway, right?

So who’s with me??  Say no to shaving!

It happened. I have succumbed to my first cold of the season.  Well, my first cold since last Winter/Spring.  (Yes, I know it’s not actually spring yet, but you couldn’t tell that by the weather.)

I also might be getting an eye infection.  But I’m trying a bit of home treatment–it hasn’t gotten worse, and it may be getting better, so I will monitor the situation closely.  And, naturally, hope for the best.  It’s not the best time to go to the doctor.

If I lived with someone, I think I would let my cold become a “man cold,” so that I could laze about and be pathetic.  Instead, I still have to get shit done.  Boo

My sister is autistic.  High functioning, but still autistic.  If you don’t know much about it, you’ll probably just think she has some “interesting” social habits.  The reason I bring this up is how very awful people are to her and have been her whole life.

I spent a lot of my childhood defending her.  I lost friends (that is, chose to not be their friend) because of how they would treat her.  But adults are no better than children.

Most recent example: My dad had joined an informal Christian bowling league.  He got my mom and sister to join, too.  They all really enjoyed it.  But after my sister’s first year, they told my dad that he was welcome to come back, but not my sister.  The complete assholes. Worst Christians ever.  (Note: Dad did not go back.  He didn’t berate them as I wish he had, but he did tell them he couldn’t return.  By the by, my sister knows NOTHING of this, nor should she.  She’s already aware of how people suck–she doesn’t need more examples.)

Yes, sometimes she does things that are annoying or cringe-worthy (only cringe-worthy because you know how other people will view it and that most of them are terrible).  But the things she does are never on purpose that way, and it’s not like she can  help it.  So if it’s a problem, it’s yours, not hers.

And if you’re a Christian, you have double the reason to be kind, caring, loving.  (Insert spiel about being like Jesus here.)

Garg!

It’s really hard for me to be a Christian and to want to go to church when things like this make me hate Christians so much.

I’ve finally started my new position full time.  I’m still, obviously, training the new administrative assistant, but it’s at least only in bits and pieces at this point.

I feel as though I’m slowly getting a handle on things.  But I really only mean in the most elementary way possible.  I’m still working on paying all the overdue bills.  Bleah.  But I’m feeling more aware of what needs to get done, rather than feeling as though I have no idea what is waiting for me.

I finally purchased a Kitchen Aid this week.  I have long dreamed of this day.  I was wanting to wait until I had more room, but finally decided that it wasn’t worth waiting, since who knows when or if I’ll ever have a bigger kitchen.

I got the Cranberry color, which is simply delightful.  I haven’t used it yet, but I will soon. :)

Ah!  The last two weeks have been some of the busiest I’ve had at my office.  Doing two jobs at once is not for the faint of heart.  Thankfully, I should only have about one more week of such stress.  We did hire a new administrative assistant, but he doesn’t start until the 23rd.

New job-wise, I actually started writing bills yesterday (Friday).  It felt amazing to start doing something real.  I mean, I have been organizing and writing cheques and trying to catch up on paperwork so that I could get to the point of writing bills.  Yes, it is all real work, but paying bills helps alleviate my anxiety.

Apartment-wise, I have decided to just stay where I am at least until my landlord raises the rent.  It seems to me that I will have an opportunity to save some money if I stay here (despite not liking it much), and I want to be fiscally responsible.

—–

In entirely other news, I made a cinnamon swirl bread tonight. It should have had raisins in it, but I didn’t realize I had none in my cupboard, and I didn’t think dried cranberries would quite do the trick.  And then I accidentally made the roll too long, so I doubled it up in the loaf pan…  It’s not the prettiest looking bread (two swirls in one loaf??), but it is delicious.

Yum.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 104 other followers