From the group description for ‘Appreciating Bois, Butches, and Trans Men,’ on Fetlife:

“Traditionally, ‘transmasculine’ has referred to male traits in female-bodied people — or, more properly, people who were ‘assigned female at birth’ (AFAB). ‘Bois’, ‘Butches’, and ‘Trans men’ are types of transmasculine people; each term has its own set of cultural implications and definitions.”

I liked that description when I saw it because it really does encapsulate the basic idea that I’m trying to capture.  It is, of course, one person’s definition, but I think it is a good, albeit very bare bones, definition.

I have been listening to the song below on repeat.  It is beautiful, and it speaks to me in all the ways I cannot articulate.

Only a few more days until I leave for my best friend’s wedding.  You’d think I’d be getting more done in preparation, but I apparently believe the next two evenings will be sufficient. Ha.  All I need to do, really, is ironing, packing, cleaning.  Um, yeah.  My friends who are driving up with me will be getting here Tuesday evening.  Tomorrow evening I’m supposed to finish my homework assignment for the next week (or, at least, get a good start on it).

Well.  It’ll all get done.  In the meantime, I’m having a beer and watching lame-ass movies.

Speaking of not lame-as movies, I just watched 52 Tuesdays on Netflix.  If you haven’t seen it, watch it.  It was thought provoking, and I thought well done.

I’ve been coming across the term ‘boi’ more and more, and I’m beginning to think it may be a fit for me.  I’m still not sure I’ll adopt it, but I’m going to spend some time trying it on, tasting it, seeing how it feels.

Things are slowly picking up at work. Perhaps I can stay until I’m qualified to find a job in coding (by qualified, I mean kickass enough).

Speaking of coding, I’m looking forward to doing homework this week, if only because I will have a homework buddy to slog through it with me.  Plus, my teacher gave me the rest of the assignments ahead of time (as requested), so I can attempt to finish the coursework before my best friend’s wedding.

Oh! I was accepted into the certificate program, starting in January.  So that’s a go.

In other news, gay news, not gay news, my gay life news, that is… (Worst sentence ever, and I’m keeping it.)  I am so over conservative, Christian friends who can’t get over the fact that I’m gay and just accept it as a good thing.  Fuck them.  They can just take a walk and leave me out of it.  I’m not interested in being their token gay friend. I’m not interested in them working out their issues about homosexuality with me as their guinea pig.  And it always feels harsh when I communicate this to them (in gentler words, honest), but I have a duty to myself first.  Plus, I can’t kick out my family, and I already have to deal with their struggles about my gayness, so…  Ugh.

Moving on. Today is a busy day.  Actually, this whole month is busy what with homework and the wedding and all.  Not to mention I’m still trying to squeeze in dates where I can.  September will be a better month.

And the girl who gave me her number last week?  She’s involved in a pyramid scheme. Fairly certain she was trying to groom me to join. Strike one, two, and three.

Today I met with a classmate to work through our assignment.  We both were stuck on a very similar spot in our code, although it turned out we had very different problems.  But I figured us both out, so I’m feeling pretty good.  And my code works!  What a good feeling.

Plus a girl at Starbucks gave me her number.  I’m not sure if she was flirting, but this is still the first time a woman gave me her number in the wild, and I didn’t even have to ask for it.  At this moment, I have no intention of texting, but we’ll see if she does (I gave her mine in return).  She’s super cute, but not my type (if she is even queer at all).

I want to have all the sex, but I suppose I’m in no hurry.  (That’s not entirely true.)  I have found that what is true is that I am willing to hop into bed with someone pretty much immediately if I think they are attractive and they are open to it.  Unfortunately, I need to work on finding more folk who feel the same.  I keep going out with people who aren’t wanting to do the casual sex thing at all, and I think I kind of do, as it turns out.

That’s it for today. I have to get shit done.

We interrupt your programming to bring you some very important news: As I was sitting at my computer, catching up on facebook and enjoying my first cup of coffee this morning, a dark object flew over my head (please don’t let it have been from my head) and landed on my laptop’s mouse pad.  AND THEN IT MOVED BECAUSE IT WAS A SPIDER.  Thank god it was a little one, but you guys, I almost died!

Now, back to regular programming.

Are any of you, readers o’ mine, into kink or the kink community?  I met with a friend of a friend last night who is, which was a big motivation for meeting them.  I have all these questions and thoughts and haven’t quite figured out how to make any moves into exploring kink.

They gave me a lot of good background info and things to consider–some I’d thought about, some I hadn’t.  I didn’t ask many questions, although they attempted to get me to do so, but it was a good introduction.  (Also, they personally know a few of my queer ‘celebrity’ crushes, swoon!)

I have this problem in my head, one I can probably blame on my very conservative upbringing, where I have a disconnect between kink and relationships.  As though I can only have vanilla sex in a relationship and kink outside of one.  I’m not sure how to reconcile the two or if they will naturally reconcile as time goes on.

I also do some thinking about poly relationships–to a much lesser degree, I suppose.  My friend B thinks it is the way of the future–shared resources and all that (I mean, look at things like car to go or shared housing or…).  She has a good point.  And I like the idea of not needing to put all my relationship needs on one person.  We have multiple friends, why not multiple lovers?  Anyway, not sure if I’ll ever go the poly route, but I am for sure giving it serious consideration as at least an intellectual exercise.

Thoughts?  Experiences?  Etc?

It’s been a long time since I felt challenged by anything, even in little ways.  I’m taking this Python course, and while most of it is fairly straightforward and simple, there are still challenges that I have to struggle through.  And while I hate it, I love it.

To clarify, I’m fairly certain I hate it because I might be a bit conceited when it comes to my intelligence and ability to learn.  I’m used to most things coming easily, especially if I want to learn them.  So to find that I have to try and put forth effort makes me feel insecure, makes me worry that perhaps I’m not smart enough for tech.  But at the same time, it presents a challenge to be overcome, and I love that.  I love knowing that I don’t have all the answers, that I will have to put extra time into something to understand it fully.  I get bored so easily that I need things that keep me stretching.


Putting the words “love life” in the title feels a little misleading, but since when have my titles been any good, anyway?

More specifically, I don’t have a love life. I do have a very active dating life.  (ha!)

I’ve been texting a woman this last week.  I’m meeting her tomorrow–we’re going to my favourite dive bar.  I think the atmosphere is perfect there.  It’s casual, it’s friendly, it’s divey.  We’ve been having some good texting rapport, but of course, that really means nothing in the end.  And, she’s rather new to the area, still pretty homesick, so my instant suspicion is that perhaps she is just lonely and cannot be trusted to be truly interested.  We’ll see how it goes.

Two nights ago I went out with a lady that very quickly became obvious she is too much my opposite.  Primarily, the financial decisions she makes horrifies me.  It goes beyond neutrally bad decisions (of which I make some myself) to harmfully bad (in my opinion).  For example, when you’re broke and very much in debt already, it seems a poor idea to go to Thailand on credit…  Anyway, she’s also one of those “free spirits” that sort of drive me nuts, to be honest.  PLUS, she’s a hardcore vegetarian, and I ordered a burger. hahahaha  I’m kind of a jerk.


And finally, my tattoo is healing nicely so far. It’s still a bit swollen, which I blame mostly on the heat and wearing long pants and shoes.  There may be no connection, but I think there is. :)

Well, off to the daily grind!

tattoo outline

Here is the outline of my tattoo (sorry you can’t see the outside edges with their amazing scroll work). The picture isn’t great, plus it looks messy because of the tracing stuff that’s kind of hanging out still.  This is the result of two hours.  It’ll probably be another two to finish.

My artist is, obviously, amazing.  They would have done a bit more of the detail, but I was dying.  Apparently, being on your period (or just about to start–like probably tonight or tomorrow) can make getting tattoos much more painful.  Yet another reason that periods are the worst.

But the experience was great, and I’m really looking forward to getting the shading and colour put in.  That won’t be until the end of August, but I can wait.

It’s so beautiful. :)

I love the poems that Susan writes. I’d try to say more, but I’ll just sound ridiculous, so read her stuff instead. :)

buildingapoem

Some thoughts on experimental poetry.

13100717_1031067010313350_6454586575174409223_n

Sometimes you want to dress up–top hat,

White tie and tails, a foreign medal, a cape.

The dance would be just as impressive,

A waltz, perhaps, certainly not something

With Cossacks. At least one would think

This would be the dance of formal bats,

Emotive, aristocratic and imperial.

One would be wrong. These are bats

Used to hanging upside down, letting blood

Rush to their heads when they are not

Bloodletting right side up. They are wild,

Jazz-inspired, impressionistic, and although

You expected the reverse, they are–in the best

Possible way–way out of your league.

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There’s just too much going on to handle anything.  I’d like to give zero fucks for the next several months.  Unfortunately, that is not likely to be possible.

And so, moving on…

I need to get serious about working out.  I don’t like how I feel, but it’s hard to feel motivated at 5:30am.  I also need to get serious about job hunting, but it’s hard to feel motivated at 6:30pm.  My teacher left me an audio comment on my last assignment that was next to worthless in terms of helpfulness.  Also, I had to listen to it, which was basically the worst.

Yes, that was just a big ol’ paragraph of complaining.

I wrote a three page letter to Men’s Wearhouse telling them how disappointed I am in their store.  I wonder if I’ll get a response.

Here’s a bit of good news.  My rent increase is less than I expected. I can’t help but wonder if it’s a mistake, but I’m not going to point it out because I have it on an official document.

I’m considering taking a hiatus from dating, only because I am surrounded by femmes and don’t care to date any of them.  Where are the butch ladies?  I mean, c’mon.  Or androgynous.  But here’s something to think about.  I went out last weekend with a trans boi.  We talked about labels, and he asked mine.  I said lesbian.  But then I also noted that I may be open to dating trans guys–I’m not really sure (that’s a whole other discussion).  I’d still call myself a lesbian.  Would that do them a disservice?  Does it matter what I label myself in regard to whom I might date?

These are things that are on my mind.

My tattoo is scheduled for this coming Sunday. I feel slight bits of trepidation, but only about silly things.  I’m going by myself because there’s no one I’d want to come along, plus my artist is a Harry Potter nerd like me, so I suspect we will engage in much geekery over the Harry Potter universe.  I am always struck by how permanent a tattoo is, how my leg will forever be tattooed.  But I am happy to think of it.  I have not nearly enough tattoos at present.

Yesterday, I made homemade pita bread for the first time.  I am clearly living my best life.  They are not only super easy to make, but 1000x better than store bought pita bread.  I used the recipe from The Kitchn, but I’m sure they’re all more or less the same.  Definitely include oil in the dough.  Yum, yum, yum.

In more serious news, things going on in this nation make me heart-sad. Why is it so hard to believe that #BlackLivesMatter?

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