I know I’ve said this before, but this last year has been nothing but changes.  The problem is that I think they’re really starting to catch up with me.  And for someone who doesn’t like change, it’s been hard to have nothing feel steady.

I continue to question if my job was the right choice.  I think it will be, but it is making me feel awful in the meantime.  I don’t do well with downtime, and my trainer is terrible at training.  She is just not a teacher, as much as she may know her stuff.  So I’m feeling insecure on a regular basis from that.

And now I’m looking my move date in the face.  Mid-July is coming quickly, and I need to really think about finding a new apartment.  I want to move; I got a new job so that I could move, but good gracious, I do not like moving. Plus the housing market here is incredibly daunting, so that does not help.

I’m tired, sick and tired, of hearing about the bathroom controversy from stupid straight people.  I’m also tired of being the token gay friend and having to hear about it every time I talk to whomever it is that has assigned me that position in their life. (Not sure I can afford to cut any more friends at this point, though; plus they have no idea what they’re doing.)

Not to mention that I’m insecure about LM.  Not about wanting to see her, but about if she truly wants to see me.  I am glad we’re not starting anything before she leaves because that would be 300% too much pressure.  It’s much better to just let it be what it is, to see if it goes anywhere, than to try to force it.

And this weekend I am booked, again.  It is only things and people I want to see, but I’m feeling so overwhelmed at the moment that the only thing I want to do is curl up on my couch and be alone.  Maybe today will go well, and I will feel better by tomorrow.

I hate McDonalds, but I want to watch this:

 

I also seem to really enjoy this song:

 

Oh, and this one, too:

 

And now, I have needy ladies who require my attention.

[I.e. cats in case anyone is thinking I am much cooler than I am.]

This weekend turned out to be really good, albeit incredibly busy.

I saw the woman I’ve been seeing on Friday night. [Pause. Let’s assign her some designation so that we can refer to her more easily, shall we?  Since it seems like she may continue making appearances on this blog for at least awhile…  How about LM for Little Marine?]  So, I saw LM on Friday night.

We had a really good time.  We went to a sports pub type place and sat for hours and talked.  I feel much better about this situation I have found myself in.  We are going to continue seeing each other; I suppose exclusively, but not by a rule.  Either of us could see other people if we wanted.  We are adamantly not in a relationship, and LM does not want to start anything serious before she leaves (her proposed leave date for now is June 6th).  She had some concern about being an ass to me–continuing to see me, knowing she’s leaving–but I told her that she’s not keeping it a secret, plus I’m an adult and get to make my own decisions.

We’ve left it completely open for the future.  No promises, no expectations–we will just see where it goes (or doesn’t).  I’m still not entirely certain about the wisdom of doing this on my part, but obviously I see enough potential for this to turn into something someday that I’m willing to take that risk.

I was going to write a bit more, but I just looked at the clock and have got to get myself out the door for work in 15.  Oops!

Time is flying, and I am doing nothing about it.

Next month I need to get serious about looking into places to live.  I might be able to do an easy move to the sister-apartment complex of my current place, but I also don’t want to limit myself to just that option–I need to see what’s out there and where.  Right?

Sometimes I worry that I made a mistake moving into the corporate world from the non-profit world.  I’m sure that it’s just the learning curve, getting used to such a different way of doing things.  And honestly, my company has a very non-corporate feel to it, which helps.  But still.  I suppose that, worst case scenario, I put in a year or so, then move on.

I did some number crunching, and if I continue with my current budget, I should be able to have my student loan paid off in four years.  I can’t tell you how excited that makes me.  The sense of freedom will be amazing.  There’s so much I don’t do and don’t consider doing because I have this debt hanging over me.  As soon as it’s gone, I can get down to real fun.  Or maybe even the idea of saving up for a house?  (HAHAHA, yeah right, like I’ll ever have the money for that.)

I guess that’s it.  Nothing exciting, nothing overly emotional, just my Saturday morning musings.

I’m really just going to have all the feels, all the time.  I’m mood swinging with the best of them, on a roller coaster ride of emotions.

If only I were used to feeling, then I think I could manage better.  But it’s still such a surprise that I can feel like this.  [How long will that take to be normal?]

Most of the things I’m learning I like.  But I have learned that I am apparently a needy person, which I do not like.  I don’t need a lot if I can get something–just throw me a bone once in a while.  But how to communicate that to a person that you’re not in a relationship with, that you’re not even sure how long you’ll be seeing?

I’m seeing her tonight, I think.  I’m inclined to continue seeing her, despite whatever the timeline ends up being.  I’m still not entirely certain what her inclination is.  However, my best friend agrees with me–perhaps because when our situations were reversed, I advised the same.  So either it is good advice or my friend is merely paying me back.

I’ve also realized that I don’t want to do this casual dating thing I’ve been doing.  Oh, maybe I do/did in general, but I’m taken enough with this woman to want to see only her.  My timing is terrible.  I want to jump in, both feet first, and I’m not sure I get that option anymore.

I’m like some terribly angsty teenager.  It’s pathetic.

You guys. I am starting to think the universe is inherently against me dating.  I know this is irrational, but good gracious.

The woman I’ve been seeing?  The one I’m so taken with?  I just found out last night that she is joining the Marines.  Now, I knew she’d wanted to, but she thought it was a no-go.  Her recruiter called last night and she’s been accepted.  So now she’s swearing in tomorrow, and as soon as she’s ready to pass the physical entrance tests, she’ll be gone.

I have no idea where that leaves me, but I called a friend last night, and she said what I’m thinking: as soon as this woman is gone, she’s gone.  In fact, she may be gone already (for all intents and purposes).  And this has nothing to do with me; there’s nothing I can say except to be supportive.  She’s wanted this for years.  (I have both selfish reasons for wishing against it and actual not-a-fan-of-the-military reasons.)

I’m not even sure, at this point, if I’ll see her again.  I’m not sure what she’s thinking or what I’m thinking.  I go both ways: part of me wants to see her as much as I can before she’s gone, but the other part of me thinks it’s better to sever ties and move on now before I get more invested.

Maybe blogging about women jinxes them?  As soon as I blog about a woman, it ends…  You guys!  What if that’s true?!

So I’m disappointed, of course.  But I’m also starting to pick up the pieces again.  I’m not one to linger…

Insert sad face here.

Apparently, trying new things doesn’t get old.  Who knew?  (I didn’t.)

The weather has been beautiful and all I want to do is be outside.

My new job is still going well, albeit a bit slowly.  I’m hoping it starts picking up soon. I can appreciate that they want to do a slow start (especially since apparently they’ve had some bad luck in the past), but I hate feeling bored, and I know I am capable of much more.  That said, it still is taking a lot of mental energy from me, since everything I am doing is new.

On that note, the woman I’ve been seeing remembers every thing.  Every detail.  And I remember nothing.  (Not quite true–just in comparison.)  I was having drinks with a friend last night and we were talking about this a bit.  I’m not usually as forgetful as I’ve been–and my forgetfulness certainly has no bearing on how I feel about this woman–but I wonder if the mental energy I’m using at work to learn all the things has taken away, temporarily, from my capacity to remember things outside of work?  My friend thought that seemed feasible, so my hope is that I can start remembering things again soon.  It’s embarrassing to forget significant details of my time with this woman.  I think they’re still there… somewhere… locked away.

I’m really enjoying building something with this woman.  I mean, it might be built into nothing but delightful experiences, but it could also be built into a relationship (too soon to tell?).  Either way, I see it as going in a positive direction.  She is adorable.  I don’t want to say much more, because I don’t want to be ridiculous (yet), but I feel ridiculous when I think about her.  In the best way possible.  However, we’re just dating, still free to see other people (not that I want to so far).  There’s no need in either of our minds to rush into anything…

This journey is better than I ever could have imagined.

I know I sound like a broken record, but I can’t get over how much I’ve been learning about myself this last year.  The newest thing I’m discovering is that while I am for sure an introvert, I do not think I am nearly as introverted as I always thought.

I find myself with more energy for social occasions than ever before, plus more of a desire to be around people.  It’s weird because it’s unexpected.  It’s weird to have to re-adjust your perspective of yourself constantly in your 30’s.

In other news: Fuck I’m tired.

 

I have got to quit having all these late nights!  I am too old to not get enough sleep on a regular basis–I don’t do well with a lack.

However, the late nights have been worth every second of sleepiness the next days, so…  I’ll likely continue being irresponsible.

That said, I’ve started seeing a woman who is delightful.  I enjoy every minute I’m with her.  We talk about everything; although, there’s still much to cover.  She actually seems incredibly emotionally healthy.  She’s fun, she’s interesting, she’s similar, she’s different.

My only caution so far is that I want to stay off relationship island and keep on relationship peninsula.  (Thanks to a friend who told me that distinction.)  I don’t want to get so caught up in a new person that I don’t make time for anyone else in my life.  I mean, for now, I am fine being submerged in the novelty of it all, but soon, very soon, I must emerge and be social.

I have had a crazy good weekend so far.  Really busy, but good.

I talked with my friend about being roommates.  I definitely have more doubts about it than less.  It’s not that she would be a bad roommate–she wouldn’t (nor would I, for that record).  But she wants a dog, and while I’m not opposed to that (I’d like a dog someday), a dog plus two cats in one apartment?  That seems a little overwhelming.  We also talked about the fact that we’re both actively dating–we’re not sure if that would be weird or not (probably not; she mentioned she’d take my sloppy seconds, haha).

We also talked about how we both value our personal, private space.  And I think that’s the biggest concern for me.  I like knowing I can watch a show or movie whenever I want.  I can take over all my space because it’s all my space.  If I bring a lady home, we can make out on the couch and don’t have to worry about being in anyone’s way.

I have a feeling that I’m going to choose to live alone, despite the higher cost.  But who knows.  We have about a month to decide before we’d need to start looking (together or separately).

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