It’s a three day weekend, thankfully. One of my favorite people to follow on twitter posted this:

So I’m right on schedule for Saturday.  I am hoping, however, to abstain from Monday’s feeling until at least that evening. :)

I’m going shopping tomorrow for an outfit for my best friend’s wedding.  I’m also in need of a jacket–like a sport coat / suit jacket type– because I need to go to court for my job for court supervised cases (just a normal part of the job), and I can’t just show up in a button up and a tie.  At least, the men in the office all go in a jacket, as well as a tie.  So I feel like I ought to follow suit.

But I’m nervous about trying to find a jacket that looks right and fits right.  I’m guessing I’ll likely have to get it tailored, so I’m nervous about finding a tailor who will be willing to do it right (i.e. not try to put feminine curves in).  Uggh.

I’m hoping my shopping karma is strong tomorrow.

I have very exciting news.

I found a queer tattoo artist who is going to do my next tattoo.  Bonus points: she also loves Harry Potter.  My consultation is next Friday.  I’m not sure when the actual tattoo will happen.

Did I mention what my plan is for the next tattoo?  I want to get the Hogwarts crest with the Ravenclaw quadrant in color, but the rest in black.

If everything goes well with this artist, I’m going to have her help me design a half or three-quarter sleeve next.

I’m super excited that this is finally happening.

I went on a first date last week (actually, I went on a total of three first dates last week, all with women on the femme side of things) and the woman I was with called me “futch,” which I didn’t know what that meant at first.  And then she told me her interpretation: feminine butch.  Hm.  I’ve looked it up on urbandictionary.com, and the definition seems solid, but I don’t think it describes me.

It seems to me that futch has more to do with intentionally blurring the lines between femme and butch. But I prefer soft butch for myself.  I have a feminine face–there is nothing I can do about that, and I refuse to be stereotypically hyper-masculine (as previously discussed), but I visually present as masculine.  Soft butch just fits.  At least, it fits better than any other label I’ve come across.

Now, back to my confusion about femmes, because I’ve been doing more thinking.  I don’t think I’ll ever go for a true femme. Speaking of which, I don’t know what it is, but I can’t get behind women with long hair.  It just doesn’t do anything for me, and if anything, it’s actually a turn-off.  (There’s just so much of it… gah!)

I think my confusion lies in that femmes have such traditional beauty.  They’re nice to look at.  But in the end, I don’t want to get any of them in bed…  Now, give me an androgynous or butch woman, and wowza.  They’re just so sexy.

I am afraid of femmes.

Let that sink in for a moment. Afraid of femmes.

This shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise to anyone who knows me. I have never known what to do with feminine women–those who can do their hair and make-up and who know how to dress…

When I came out, I found myself more attracted to butch women (like myself) or androgynous women.  But lately, things are changing. [Why is this year nothing but changes? Can’t anything be steady, for at least a little while?]

I’ve realized that I’m not really into butches as much as androgynous women.  And recently, I’ve found myself drawn to the femme side of androgyny.  I’m still super nervous about hard femmes, so I tend to avoid them.

My big concern is that I don’t want to get trapped in heteronormative gender norms if I start dating femmes. I will not be made into the traditional “man” of the relationship. It’s a partnership or nothing. I’m happily gay. I don’t want to mirror a stereotypical straight relationship. And, if anything, my masculine presentation as a woman should defy gender norms, not give into them.

The other thing is, what do I do about my nervousness (fear) about femmes?  They just seem so entirely other… beautiful, feminine, put-together…

I went on a date with a femme last night, and she was a delight. She had such clean lines–I don’t know how to explain that better, but I’m talking about her outfit, from her top to her skirt to her shoes–it just flowed in an entirely delicious way.

But part of me doesn’t feel like I’m in the same league as femmes. That I’m not attractive enough or butch enough or strong enough to be with someone who is so okay with being feminine, when I am so clearly not. (Although, I have thought that it must be wonderful to be with someone who is not also harboring body dysphoria, whose body I can enjoy without hesitation. This may assume too much or perhaps too little…)

And of course, all of this is subject to change. :)

Another day, another dollar.

I’m officially not seeing LM anymore.  The details really aren’t important; I’m sure what you know of the situation is enough to put the pieces together on what was a doomed situation.  But I have two first dates lined up for this week, so I feel like I’m doing pretty good.

Like B has told me, this was just another experience most people have in their teens that now I can cross off my list.  And another of my friends assures me that almost no one has successful anything in their first year of dating.  (It is weird to think of this as my first year of dating, but it really is.  All the other years trying to date men just don’t count.)

I’ve been doing more thinking about labels.  And I’m not quite sure I fit the butch label entirely–or maybe I do, but with caveats?  I think the biggest thing I balk at is the often heteronormative expectations that people assign to being butch.  I have no interest in adopting chauvinistic or traditionally masculine values.  I am going to dress and present in the manner I feel most comfortable, but I’m not going to alter my behavior to fit anyone’s ideas of who I am.

In other news, I am dreading work today because I have nothing to do.  That is a rotten feeling.  I sincerely hope it starts picking up soon.

Life!

I have so much angst about  my job. I’ve talked to my boss, but I’m not sure how much it’s going to make a difference. I’ve been there for almost three months, and I still have nothing to do.  I really don’t know what my options are at this point.

I’m not sure I’m going to keep seeing LM.  Not because I don’t want to see her, but because I am tired of her not being open with me about where she stands.  That statement, in all it’s nakedness, feels unfair to her, but I don’t think it is.  It’s just a nice summary point of how I’m feeling.  I’ve sent her a mostly emotional message (ha) stating everything as objectively as I could, so we’ll see where it goes.

That said, I’ve set up a date for next week with a cute girl from okcupid.  I’m not interested in meeting anyone else at the moment, but in the interest of self-preservation, I figured I may as well go for it.  I can’t let myself wallow.  I’m so frustrated right now.

I know I’ve said this before, but this last year has been nothing but changes.  The problem is that I think they’re really starting to catch up with me.  And for someone who doesn’t like change, it’s been hard to have nothing feel steady.

I continue to question if my job was the right choice.  I think it will be, but it is making me feel awful in the meantime.  I don’t do well with downtime, and my trainer is terrible at training.  She is just not a teacher, as much as she may know her stuff.  So I’m feeling insecure on a regular basis from that.

And now I’m looking my move date in the face.  Mid-July is coming quickly, and I need to really think about finding a new apartment.  I want to move; I got a new job so that I could move, but good gracious, I do not like moving. Plus the housing market here is incredibly daunting, so that does not help.

I’m tired, sick and tired, of hearing about the bathroom controversy from stupid straight people.  I’m also tired of being the token gay friend and having to hear about it every time I talk to whomever it is that has assigned me that position in their life. (Not sure I can afford to cut any more friends at this point, though; plus they have no idea what they’re doing.)

Not to mention that I’m insecure about LM.  Not about wanting to see her, but about if she truly wants to see me.  I am glad we’re not starting anything before she leaves because that would be 300% too much pressure.  It’s much better to just let it be what it is, to see if it goes anywhere, than to try to force it.

And this weekend I am booked, again.  It is only things and people I want to see, but I’m feeling so overwhelmed at the moment that the only thing I want to do is curl up on my couch and be alone.  Maybe today will go well, and I will feel better by tomorrow.

I hate McDonalds, but I want to watch this:

 

I also seem to really enjoy this song:

 

Oh, and this one, too:

 

And now, I have needy ladies who require my attention.

[I.e. cats in case anyone is thinking I am much cooler than I am.]

This weekend turned out to be really good, albeit incredibly busy.

I saw the woman I’ve been seeing on Friday night. [Pause. Let’s assign her some designation so that we can refer to her more easily, shall we?  Since it seems like she may continue making appearances on this blog for at least awhile…  How about LM for Little Marine?]  So, I saw LM on Friday night.

We had a really good time.  We went to a sports pub type place and sat for hours and talked.  I feel much better about this situation I have found myself in.  We are going to continue seeing each other; I suppose exclusively, but not by a rule.  Either of us could see other people if we wanted.  We are adamantly not in a relationship, and LM does not want to start anything serious before she leaves (her proposed leave date for now is June 6th).  She had some concern about being an ass to me–continuing to see me, knowing she’s leaving–but I told her that she’s not keeping it a secret, plus I’m an adult and get to make my own decisions.

We’ve left it completely open for the future.  No promises, no expectations–we will just see where it goes (or doesn’t).  I’m still not entirely certain about the wisdom of doing this on my part, but obviously I see enough potential for this to turn into something someday that I’m willing to take that risk.

I was going to write a bit more, but I just looked at the clock and have got to get myself out the door for work in 15.  Oops!

Time is flying, and I am doing nothing about it.

Next month I need to get serious about looking into places to live.  I might be able to do an easy move to the sister-apartment complex of my current place, but I also don’t want to limit myself to just that option–I need to see what’s out there and where.  Right?

Sometimes I worry that I made a mistake moving into the corporate world from the non-profit world.  I’m sure that it’s just the learning curve, getting used to such a different way of doing things.  And honestly, my company has a very non-corporate feel to it, which helps.  But still.  I suppose that, worst case scenario, I put in a year or so, then move on.

I did some number crunching, and if I continue with my current budget, I should be able to have my student loan paid off in four years.  I can’t tell you how excited that makes me.  The sense of freedom will be amazing.  There’s so much I don’t do and don’t consider doing because I have this debt hanging over me.  As soon as it’s gone, I can get down to real fun.  Or maybe even the idea of saving up for a house?  (HAHAHA, yeah right, like I’ll ever have the money for that.)

I guess that’s it.  Nothing exciting, nothing overly emotional, just my Saturday morning musings.

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