Today I felt overwhelmed.  I don’t feel justified in that, but it is what it is.  So prepare for a bit of venting, but hopefully not too much.

At church, I know I am appreciated in what I do, and I love the ministries I am involved in.  But I almost feel as if I want the choice to be flaky, like so many of my peers, and just choose to not be involved.  How come they get to opt out or not show or decide they no longer want to help with a ministry and I just keep on keeping on?  Why must I be responsible?  Why must I care?  It’s not like I’m paid to be there.  It’s not like I don’t have a full-time job already.  And it’s not like I won’t be even busier come Fall when I start classes.

I wanted to talk to our main pastor, just briefly, after church today.  And so I went up to essentially stand in line.  But my turn never came because men kept cutting in front, not noticing my presence (I should have been more aggressive in my waiting, perhaps).  I might be hyper-sensitive to this, but I feel like I am frequently overlooked as a woman, and especially in church settings.  It’s as if men are programmed to not notice women, to not give them the same status as themselves, as we are just women, afterall, and not men.

And just because I am single does not mean I am not fulfilled.   I am so tired of other women, especially those young married types who met their “soul mate” at 18 and got married soon after (you know the ones), telling me that of course I’ll get married, that God must have someone for me.  You know what?  I’m almost 28, still single, and I don’t feel like I am lacking.  I’m not saying I’m fine with being single so that I can manipulate God into sending me a husband.  I’m saying it because I believe it.  If I wanted simply to be married, I’m sure I could be.  But I refuse to marry just anyone.  I have goals, I have a brain, I have a life that I enjoy living.  So right now, I’m glad that I can be content with where God has me, because if I were like those women who try to convince me of otherwise, I’d be miserable as a single woman.  I’d be waiting for my other half to fulfill me, putting my life on hold and refusing to move forward without someone to hold my hand.  I don’t need anyone to hold my hand, thank you very much.

I am a whole person as a single woman.  And I have just as much worth as a man and should receive just as much notice.  And I shouldn’t be one of the few who follows through with commitments.  I should be one of the many.