I’ve said it before, but it’s so true.  After about 10pm, I lose all restraint I generally have during the day.  So if you want to know something about me or get something out of me, anytime after that is your best bet.  I might not tell you my secret at 4pm, but I sure will at 10:30pm.  No joke.

That said, half the blogs I write at night get deleted or made private.  Or I waffle and change the settings several times.  I can’t help it; it’s just how I am.  Secrets are for the nighttime, not the glaring lights of day.  One of my best friends in Bible College used to come to my room at about 11pm most nights to get my confessions from me.  And some of the most fabulous ones would come out, like the time I referenced a certain male with the strong statement: “Now, that’s a man.”  (You probably had to be there.)  My friends didn’t let me forget that one.

I don’t want to write about the things I’m thinking about tonight, so I won’t.

Instead, I’ll talk about my dreams for the future.  This is a topic that I can’t help but re-visit.

I thought I was over the PhD dreams, but thanks to one of my profs from undergrad, those got re-awoken.  I suppose it will depend on how things go with my thesis here.  I really don’t think I’d need a PhD, but it would pave the road to being published, which is one of my goals.  Only, I don’t need, necessarily, to be published academically, although that would be nice.  Poetry, short stories, novels, any sort of writing would be a thrill.

I want to be married, but only in the kind of marriage that doesn’t make me feel strangled.  This is something I fear.  I like my freedom and independence and I understand that you have to give a lot of that up for a relationship, but I don’t want to be in a relationship that makes me feel like I’m missing out on life.  I want a relationship in which we are walking the same direction and so our lives intertwine in all the right ways.  Besides the fact that my last ex was scum, he also violated those basic principles: he wanted me with him whenever I wasn’t at work (are you kidding me?  I have a life, friends, things to do…), he wasn’t as smart as me (forgive my sounding arrogant), he didn’t like the idea of me going to grad school, he wanted to live the 9-5 existence that I hate so much, and so on.

Most of the time I want kids, but only when I forget the reality of kids.  They’re great, but you can never be as free as you once were.  Plus, I’m pretty committed to the idea of adopting if I was going to have kids because I can’t see the need to pass on my own DNA when there are so many kids out there who need a home.  And let’s be honest, most men who want children also want them to be their own genes, for some reason.  But I’d be okay without kids, too.  I often think about requiring said hypothetical husband to get snipped first, in order to have a better chance of not having kiddos by accident.  (If its ever by accident if you’re having sex with someone, since that’s the natural conclusion.)

I want to be smart and academic, but I want to work with folks on the ground level.  I want to be real.  I want to make a difference in the world and somehow change it for the better, even if only in a small corner.

But it’s 1:30am, and I’ve turned into a pumpkin.  So I’ll leave you with that and hope you all have a lovely sleep, where ever you are.