1.  As I’m working on researching for my thesis, I’m becoming more and more aware that I am going to have to change my lifestyle or I am going to have to live in hypocrisy to what I believe is important and vital for my faith.  This is frustrating because I like being selfish.  I like spending “my” money on what I want; I don’t feel like I am rich; I feel like I am poor.  But looking at the Global Rich List, which you may have seen before, will help set things in perspective.  Granted, it costs more to live where we live, but I am surrounded by luxuries.  I build luxuries into my monthly budget (as spare as it may be already), such as coffee from Starbucks or clothes I don’t need.  I amass and accrue and I do not sacrifice to help those around me.  Yet I am positing that we, especially as Christians, ought to be doing what we can to help those in need.  But I’m not helping those in need.  I justify myself by stating that I support a Compassion Child; isn’t that enough?  But it’s not, not really.  Check out 58: Fast. Forward. The End of Poverty.  I’m still looking into the organization, but it has a very interesting argument.

2.  Last week at church, I met a lady who asked if I had kids there, to which I answered with an emphatic “no!”  She seemed a bit taken aback, and I tried to recover, but it was too late.  I had revealed my horror at the idea.  Now, to explain, partially it is because I am single and not in a position to have children.  But part of it is because I am selfish and am growing more-so the longer I stay single.  I used to want children without a doubt.  I think kids are great, actually.  But I like my freedoms.  And many of my friends have children, so I get to see what their lack of freedom looks like.

Plus, and this is hard to admit, but it plays a part, I am afraid of having an autistic child.  My sister is a high functioning autistic, as is one of my nieces.  As I personally believe it is genetic, I then have the concern that I could have a child with autism.  And so that you don’t think I’m too much of a monster, let me explain my reasons for concern.  I am not saying that autism is a terrible thing, a tragedy or anything of that sort.  I am saying that people are jerks, that my sister has never been accepted fully by those around her (including Christians) because she is just different enough to not be normal, but not different enough for her to get a “free pass.”  Life is much harder for her (and will be for my niece) because life is set up for people with zero “difficulties.”  We do not like those who aren’t like us.  Moreover, she will never be fully independent (it is too early to know for my niece; she is only 4), so my folks will never actually have a true empty nest.  And I have already lived with autism.  I already know what it is like to have someone in your family with autism.  And I’ve also seen how my dad has never been supportive.  I can’t imagine being the only one in a marriage who was willing to work with my child, because I will say this: an autistic child needs different types of care than a “normal” child.  (My brother and sister-in-law are both invested, so I know it can work, but fear is fear.)  And people who haven’t been around it really don’t understand.

So, there you go.  The two selfish confessions that have been on my mind a lot lately.  Saturday mornings are almost as good as late nights for confessing, right?  (I miss my late night confessions with my NM.)