One of my friends from Camp (we were counselors together) died last night.  He was barely a year older than me and had recently been in the hospital, but had seemed to be improving.  He had been considering, if he felt up to it, coming to my Harry Potter marathon this Friday.

I never know what to do with death, exactly.  He’s a Christian, so I know he’s with Jesus.  I hadn’t seen him in years, but we kept in touch a bit over facebook.

I’ve had relatives die, but no one I was close with.  When I was 19, the first boy who ever liked me (when we were 13) died.  When I was 21, my first boyfriend (then an ex) died.  When I was 25, one of my longtime friend’s dad died; our families had been close and he was probably the person I’ve been closest to that I’ve lost.

I haven’t had much experience with the whole institution of death, and it always makes me wonder what I will do when someone actually close to me dies.  I worry that I won’t tell anyone, that I’ll just shut myself away.  That I won’t talk or grieve openly, but will keep my emotions secret.  I wonder if I’ll be able to face it, to deal with it, or if I’ll just try to live in some sort of weird denial.

I know, especially for Christians, that death is not the final stop.  But I also know that while it’s something that happens to everyone, it’s nothing anyone plans for (at least not until much older).

Sometimes, I walk around graveyards to try to give myself perspective.  It’s always very sobering, but often encouraging (if you can believe that).

I know death isn’t final, not in that eternal way, but it does feel it sometimes.