I don’t know what’s going on with me lately, emotionally, that is.  I even cried last night.  Not a lot, just a little, but it’s still out of the ordinary for me.  (Although, on that subject, being able to cry is superior to not being able to cry. I need to work on that.)

I don’t know if I just feel overwhelmed by school.  Or if I’m just not where I wish I was (even if I know I’m where I ought to be).  Maybe it’s stress about what I’m going to do when I’m done with my degree.  Or maybe I’m just not equipped for life.

I try to pass off that I’m secure and confident in who I am.  And in some ways, I am.  But no matter how much I try to not care and try to pretend I don’t, I care entirely too much about what others think of me.  I want to be liked (who doesn’t?).  But I don’t want to have to change who I am in order to be liked.  I want genuine friends who appreciate me.  Not as a novelty or someone to poke fun at or to get things from, but for me as who I am.  I don’t want to be too much, I want to be just enough.

Apparently in the Shema, in Deuteronomy 6:4-9, there’s the part that says to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and might. In the Hebrew, the word we translate as might is the word “muchness.”  My Hebrew prof loves that, as did myself and another classmate.  We three (all females) feel as if we know what it’s like to have muchness.  And God has allowed it and asked us to love Him with it.  It’s comforting.

I don’t think a bit of muchness is a bad thing to have.

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