I was going through old files on my computer tonight, and I came across one that was a copy of several blog entries I wrote about the one boy I ever loved, written from 2004-2005.  Mind, these were never public, but private entries.  Well, the entries were from those years because that was when everything happened (and didn’t happen).  I even included some that he wrote about me, after I broke his heart (and mine, for that matter).  And reading over them, I just started crying.  It’s funny.  I don’t think I ever cried about it then.  I wanted to, but I never let myself.  And now, this many years later, when I’ve been over him for so long, now I cry.

I don’t believe in regrets (just in repenting and learning from mistakes), but my biggest regret (other than not handling the entire situation completely differently) is that we never resolved anything between us.  It’s easier now that I no longer live at home and don’t have the opportunity to run into him.  I think our last communication attempt was over two years ago when he told me to please never contact him again.  Ouch.  But we had a knack of only hurting each other more when we tried to resolve things, so I can’t blame him too harshly.  However, I will freely admit that I still want to have things resolved.  To know that if I did come across him, we could smile and say hello without anything between us.

Many of you who know me know this story already, as it has been one that defined me in many ways.  But I think I’ve finally learned to not let it.  Until recently, I had refused to ever let my emotions get involved when it came to men.  I had decided after that guy that hurting like I hurt wasn’t worth it.  But that’s changed.  I’m still not keen on getting hurt, but I’m realizing that love is worth the risk.  And God has been working on me, not that I understand why He’s doing what He’s doing, but I trust Him.

Love is a funny thing, isn’t it?

[Note: Now, let’s see if I allow this blog to stay, or if I delete it…]

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