I am feeling very discouraged and overwhelmed lately.  I feel entirely inadequate when it comes to school.  Plus, the workload and classes for next semester nearly terrify me.  I’m tired of characterizing my life as being a student.

One of my friends from undergrad has been fighting brain cancer for the last year, and he has now been put in palliative care and it seems as if a brain tumor has gotten the upper hand… It is unsure if he will make it through the weekend.  We are all praying.

He’s 27, a man of God in every sense of the word, full of life, loving, kind, in short, an amazing person who has focused his life on living fully for God.  And now, short of a miracle, he’s dying.  I’m not close with him, but our school was close knit, being so small.

I’ve often said I don’t think I deal with grief well, and I don’t.  And I think this is part of what is making the idea of school feel so insurmountable right now.  Because I don’t feel like I’m doing anything useful with my life.  And I don’t feel like I’m preparing to be useful.  I don’t feel like I’m living, but that I’m on standby.  And this friend, who lived life so fully, is dying.

Don’t give me those Christian platitudes about God being in control and everything turning out for good.  This is not part of God’s perfect plan.  Sin, fallenness, death, none of that was part of the original intention.  And when we’re fully redeemed, it won’t be.  So how are we supposed to deal with it now?

Advertisements