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The closer my birthday draws, the more modified my 30 Before 30 list becomes.  The point of the list was to feel good about turning 30, so the things that have become impossible have been changed to possibilities.  You can call this cheating.  But I make the rules.  The biggest one, that is my fault, that had to change?  To lose 25 pounds.  I can’t seem to lose weight while I’m in school.  So I’ve changed it to: eat a salad for lunch everyday for a month.  I’m going to do it in April.  I feel like its along the same lines: being healthier.  Whenever I change things, I try to make them comparable.

I haven’t done any homework in a week, essentially.  This should scare me more than it does.  My goal for today is to finish my Greek translation, work on my sentence diagram, and work on my Biblical Theology paper rough draft.  I have one leg up for the paper: I took a class from the same prof on Bib. Theo. and I am using his notes and instructions from that class as a guide for this paper.  I at least feel like I have direction.  Sort of.  No sources yet, but you know, those will come.

I cannot wait for it to be May.

Today my fingernails are a delightful shade of green called “Rise and Shine” and topped with sparkles.  You need to know this because I like who I feel like I am with painted nails.

I am drinking slightly weak coffee because I wasn’t paying attention when I made it.

I fantasize about having my own apartment/house and living by myself.  I also feel ready to meet someone and be done with walking through life alone.

My homework overwhelms me, yet it must get done.  Somehow.

I want to take another year of Hebrew, but I can’t afford it.

Ready, Set, Go.

Being “home” this time has helped in a way I didn’t imagine.  It made me miss my real home.  The one where I now live, rather than the one where I used to live.  I might not have everything like I want it at home, such as a niche, but it’s my home.  It’s where my life is.  And this, this is not where my life is anymore.

I’m going back a day early, tomorrow.  Partially it is because I have gotten ZERO homework done (yikes!) and partially it is because I miss it.  I don’t have a place here anymore, and I’d rather be where I at least sort of have a place.

I like my friends here, don’t get me wrong.  But for the most part, they are friends that are my friends when I come to visit and not really otherwise.  That is not a bad thing; it is part of life.  It is what happens when someone moves.  Everyone moves on.  And I have moved on.  And it is better that way.  I’m not too confident about fully putting down roots yet, however, as I have no idea of where I’ll be come December.  But that’s okay.

It seems that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side after all.

I smoked a cigar tonight with my brother. He went out and bought a couple when he heard that it was one of the items on my 30 Before 30 list.  And then we stood outside in the cold, freezing our rear-ends off, smoking and talking.  The talking was good.  I’m not that impressed with cigars, and I have a feeling it will also be the last one I ever smoke…  It definitely felt like it coated my whole mouth. When I got home, I immediately brushed my teeth and made sure to use mouthwash.  I feel a bit better now.

I’m slightly anxious about the homework I’m not doing at the moment.

I’ve spent more money than I should. I’ve purchased five movies, a shirt and a pair of strappy-type heels.  Granted, I spent $17 total on the movies, $6 on the shirt and $15 on the heels, but still.  The heels are the type that real women wear.  I cry, I buy real heels… It’s true: I’m completely a woman.  And the heels scare me, but I can’t wait to try them out.  I just need an occasion.

The shirt, also, was too funny to pass up. It says, “I love my boyfriend.”  (Actually, it doesn’t say “love,” it has a heart.)  And I don’t have one, but I can’t help it. I think it will be great fun to wear, as a single gal.  Is that weird?

And finally, I doubt there will ever be a time when men don’t mystify me.

I am not a caricature.  I am intelligent, yes, but that gives no right to anyone to make me into an unrealistic idea that they have created in their own heads.

I take this all too personally, I am sure.

Examples:
1. Yesterday after my Hebrew midterm, one of my classmates stated that he felt nervous when he finished before me (and by at least 10 minutes) because I”always” finish first and he finishes second and does well.  So because he finished before me, he is nervous that he didn’t do well.  I should not be his standard.

2. I was told that I have replaced someone else (who is no longer at my school) as the Hermione Granger here.  It is not that I have anything against Hermione (rather, I love her character), but I am not her.  I do not want to be made into a picture of someone.

3. If I am concerned, worried or stressed out about assignments or classes, my fellow classmates chide me, telling me that I always get good grades, I’m smart, I shouldn’t worry–they are the ones who should worry, they say.  It is not their place to tell me not to worry.  If I didn’t care about school, I wouldn’t get good grades. And because I am smarter than a good many of them, I probably have more to learn because after I get the basics, I want to go deeper, whereas many of them are satisfied with the basics. (I don’t think that last part helped my point, but there you go.)

4. In my Greek class, my classmates are glad when I make mistakes or don’t understand an assignment because it makes them feel better about themselves.  Again, I should be no one’s standard.

Why can’t I just be me?  Why do I have to be put into a box?  Do they not understand the internal pressure I put on myself to perform well?  I do not need any external pressure.  I want to be left alone.  I do not flaunt my intelligence at school; they find out on their own, and presume much of it.  I doubt that I could actually live up to anyone’s standards in reality.  I’m a human.  I’m busy, stressed, and burnt out. I make mistakes. Sometimes I don’t try as hard as I ought.  Sometimes I don’t put enough time into an assignment. Sometimes I do my best, and I still don’t get it right.  And sometimes I kick their asses on assignments.

But, you know, perspective here, folks.

I’m having one of those days.  All I can think about is buying a truck and driving until I find the right place.  It doesn’t have to be much.  Just somewhere I don’t know anyone, where I can get a one bedroom apartment or small house with a washer and dryer inside and a toy poodle puppy to be my friend.

I just want to quit school, which, quite frankly, would be incredibly stupid half way through the semester.  But… I don’t actually think I have enough money to take my last class next semester, so does it matter?  I can’t believe I could get this far and potentially not be able to afford to finish.

Damn not having any money.  And you know, I never will have any.  No marketable skills.  Getting a masters degree that will qualify me to teach a woman’s bible study, for free.

Why didn’t I stay in nursing school?  Or at least pick a degree with the potential to get me a job when I finished?

Kids: let this be a lesson to you. Do NOT go to school for a degree you love. Go to school for a degree that will get you a job.

The end.

It has occurred to me that I might have an outline for my thesis.  I was trying to write one for a chapter of my thesis that I’m substituting for a paper in my Colloquium class.  And as I looked at it, I realized I had inadvertently hit upon all the key points I wanted to use in my thesis, and that moreover, it is far too broad for a chapter.  I could easily take this outline, beef it up, and use it for my thesis itself, while choosing one point to use for this paper.  Score!

So far so good with going poo-free.  Yesterday was the third day of no washing (I am trying to stretch out even with the baking soda/vinegar rinse) and it was pretty bad.  But today I did the rinse and my hair is good to go again.  I’m going to play it by ear.

Only four days until I get to go home for a whole week.  I am excited.

Yesterday I made homemade marshmallows, which were much easier than I imagined.  Now, back to studying.

Have you ever eaten a half bag of Oreos in one sitting?  No?  Me neither.

Starting tomorrow, I’m going to give going shampoo-free a try.  Check this link out for a basic explanation.  I’ll let you know how it goes.  Partially I want to do this because I hate chemicals, and partially it is because I am poor and hate spending so much money on things like shampoo & conditioner.

I had something else I wanted to say, but I’ve forgotten.

I am enjoying a lazy morning today.  I will probably regret this after I have to rush off to my first class in an hour.  But at the moment, I am sitting in my pajamas, eating my oatmeal and have just finished finding more typical Dominican recipes to try.

In two weeks, I’m going home for Spring Break.  Praise Jesus.  I need to be somewhere that isn’t here.

I hardly got any homework done this last weekend, but I did spend a lot of time with people, feeding my soul.  I feel as if I’m on the precipice of emotional stability at all times, and all it will take is one small push to put me over that edge.  So, in some ways, school is taking a back seat while I am trying to tend to my emotional well being for once.

I want a truck.  I really, really want a truck.  I think I will talk to my dad about it when I’m home, see what he thinks.  In theory, I could sell my car and buy one.  I’m just not sure that’s a wise decision.  It’s certainly nothing I’d do until after this semester.  Incidentally, I’m not sure I have enough money for my last class (the thesis in the Fall), and I won’t be able to get loans, so that could be a potential problem.  But obviously one that I’m not going to worry about until Summer.

Time to get a real start on my day.

 

I am embracing this.