I feel like something broke in me a few weeks ago.  And it just keeps breaking more and more.

But, unlike many times, this isn’t a good kind of breaking.  I’m not talking about when a wall breaks down or when our defenses break.  I’m talking about a belief in something or the capacity to believe in it.

And as much as I know, really know, not to base my faith on the humans around me who claim to have the same faith, I almost cannot help it at times.  So when I feel let down by every person around me who I previously did not think would/could let me down, there is a shift that occurs.  And when I read my Bible and realize the implications of my faith: that so many (the majority) of the world does not believe in what I believe is an exclusive faith, and thus will be reduced to the inevitability of hell, I wonder how it can be true.  I consider the attractiveness of a faith that leans toward or embraces universalism and open theism.  I wonder what I believe.

I find myself desiring more interactions with non-believers.  I want the freedom to consider ideas that I’m not allowed to consider within my faith.  I want the freedom to embrace that humans will let you down and have no higher calling which should, in many respects, help them avoid many of the ways they do let you down.

I’m tired of living in a world characterized by brokenness and with followers of Christ who remain just as broken, despite the presence of the Holy Spirit.  I’m tired of being broken myself.

And sometimes, I just can’t stand Christians.  The judgments, the duplicity, the refusal to be open and honest and real.  The holier-than-thou, the “I’m right, you’re wrong” attitudes.  I don’t want to be that, and I don’t want to be associated with it.

Part of this is the loneliness that I’m not sure I’m supposed to feel when I’m literally surrounded by those who are, in theory, supposed to be “brothers and sisters in Christ.”  If I’m part of a “family,” and my main social interactions are from seminary and church, why am I so alone?  Where are these people when I need them?

As I watch the rain come down, these are the questions I’m asking.  And I wonder if I will have any faith left by the time I am done here, or if I am merely grasping at straws for what isn’t actually there.