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I came across this song, and decided it felt quite appropriate for where I am in life.  So I thought I might share it.

And after the storm
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up
On my knees and out of luck, I look up

Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won’t rot, I won’t rot
Not this mind and not this heart, I won’t rot

And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall
And remembered our own land
What we lived for

And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears
And love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears
Get over your hill and see what you find there
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair

And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more, that’s why I hold
That’s why I hold with all I have, that’s why I hold

And I will die alone and be left there
Well, I guess I’ll just go home, oh God knows where
Because death is just so full and mine so small
Well, I’m scared of what’s behind and what’s before

And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears
And love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears
Get over your hill and see what you find there
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair

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I want to be held tenderly.

I want to be known as a writer.

I want to speak Spanish fluently.

I worry that moving to Ecuador won’t work out; that I won’t be accepted into the program; that I’ll always live a mundane life.

I’m afraid I don’t have what it takes to grow an idea into a whole story worth reading.

I never miss the idea of being married more than when I think I never will be.

I’m 30 years old, and it’s high time I started living my life fully.  It’s time for wish fulfillment.  The things I have control over, those things I ought to be working toward.  I have no idea what any of that looks like, but I’m taking steps and hoping they lead me in the right direction.

What do you want from your life?  And what are you doing to pursue those things?

Fictional characters are not real. Fictional characters are not real. Fictional characters are not real.

Why do I have to remind myself of that?

Why are the lines between fantasy and reality so blurred lately?

And what should I write for NaNoWriMo this year?  This is it.  This is the year.  All I have to do is develop a good story line before November, and I’m in it to win it.

If I can write a thesis in one month, surely I can write a novel.  Now all that is to be seen is for me to actually write that dang thesis.

I watched the first Twilight movie yesterday.  I’m not sure I can remember ever watching a more poorly done movie.  Honestly. Worse than the books.  (And yet, the books have hooked me with their fantastically unrealistic story lines.)  And I can safely say that I have zero desire to ever watch it again nor do I want to watch the rest.  One was enough.  Back to my imagination, which has immeasurably better quality than the movie.

In other news, I found two books in preparation for South America:

Berlitz Latin American Spanish Phrase Book & Dictionary

Alpha Teach Yourself Spanish

I bought them at Powell’s, though.  I know I will want a phrasebook, even if I only need it for a little while; it will make me feel better.  And the teach yourself Spanish book looks really well done, actually.  It explains the grammar instead of just showing it.  Plus, since I already have a background, I feel like this will be a good review, and exponentially cheaper than taking a class to review.  Not that I’ve been accepted to the program yet.  But, you know, I’m hoping it is all going to work out.