My life feels like it is surrounding me in pieces.  And I keep thinking that if I can just pull myself together, I’ll be able to make things better.

But I really don’t know how to do that.

I think: If I can just get a solid start on my thesis, then that will make things better.

Or, if I can just get a steady job, then that will make everything right.

If I can get counseling and figure out how to deal with all the anger and hurt.

If I can be brave about the idea of moving to Ecuador.

If I can learn to not feel so alone.

If I can find the one piece that will unlock the riddle, and somehow, some way, put humpty dumpty back together again.

And through it all, I have the mantra that runs never ceasing through my brain: You can’t trust anyone. They will always let you down.  You can’t trust Christians.  You can’t trust anyone.

I know I shouldn’t be letting myself think that, but it’s there, nevertheless.

Humpty Dumpty was never together again, was he?  Some breaks you can’t recover from.

I want to feel whole.

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