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Today I’m starting Atkins.  I know I’ve talked about starting it before, but I realized my problem: it was always in the summer, and there’s no way I can cut out summer fruits for any amount of time.  Now, winter fruits don’t excite me at all.  So this is the perfect time.  My hope is to reset my diet to one that is non-carbohydrate based.  Not that I don’t love carbs… But pure carbs (i.e. breads, flours, etc) don’t have much in the way of nutrition… simply calories…  ugh.

I have this great plan for my life.

I’m going to get healthy, lose weight, feel better about myself.  I’m going to find a job that, even if I don’t love, I like.  I’m going to move out into an apartment.  I’m going to find a church.  I’m going to read my Bible everyday, not because I have to, but because I want to.  I’m going to keep going to counseling and get emotionally healthy.  Life is going to look up.

Take that, New Year’s Resolutions. This is a preemptive strike.

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Christmas was good.

Considering if I should do New Year’s Resolutions.

Still need a job.

Kittens are still hysterical and adorable.

Made potholders today. Still need to make: Bible cover & 3 aprons.

Re-reading the Narnia series.

Need to re-read The Hobbit now that I’ve seen the first movie. (Embellish much?)

Not much else to say.

Since I keep posting all these angsty blogs, I thought it was time to balance it out.  I’m going to try to channel this kid’s enthusiasm and optimism for life.  (I’m sure you’ve all seen this before, but it really doesn’t get old.)

 

[Be prepared for a mostly fear-based, ridiculously anxious blog.]

What if I’m so hopelessly stupid and inadequate that I never manage to find a job??

Oh lands. How did I find myself in this place?  How am I 30 and still trying to figure out my life?

I blame my initial expectations in life: that I would get married shortly after college (which I would have finished in the traditional four years) and would have had a family by now.  I didn’t prepare myself well enough.  I didn’t honestly think I would have to take care of myself: I always sort of thought there would be a husband in my life to take care of me.

I know better.  And I know that even if you end up in that situation, it doesn’t always stay that way: illness, death, being left…  There are many reasons why you still might have to be successful in the job market.

Unfortunately, I have nothing going for me.  Or so it feels.

I always have South America… Or more school…  Or… something.

Now that my thesis is done, I’ve realized that I didn’t put much actual thought to what I would do post-school while I’m job hunting.  I’ve realized that I’m trapped even more than before.  Trapped like a rat.  With nothing to do.  Oh lands.  Please, please, please let me find a job soon.

My family, at least one of them, is always home.  I can never be alone in the quiet of a house.  I am bombarded constantly by people and sound.  And since I am not very comfortable with my family, I always feel their presence.  I can’t be relaxed around them.  And I am introverted enough to need that aloneness.  It is possible for me to feel “alone” around others, but I have to know them well, to feel comfortable, to have developed that.  It doesn’t come often, but is welcome when it does.

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On another topic, I keep telling myself: more salad, less cookies.

And it’s nice that you can be pleasantly surprised by both yourself and others.

First off, I can never resist blogging in the afterglow of blues dancing.  It was just what a needed, and was a fabulous night for dancing.  I think I only sat out one or two songs unintentionally.  (I did sit out a few where my favourite dancer and I were talking instead of dancing.)  Oh, and my favourite dancer and I danced several times.  And as a bonus, the rest of the leads were surprisingly quality tonight.

What a good, good night.

The defense itself made me feel awful.  I felt like it was an hour and a half of telling me everything I did wrong, then giving me an A-.  But I don’t want to talk about it.  I don’t want to ruin the fantastic feelings of contentment that I am currently basking in thanks to blues dancing therapy.

A whole evening of delightful physical touch.  Of being held, and no creepers.  Of feeling heartbeats, muscles, bodies, hair, arms, legs, hands, chests, backs, abs.

Oh my gracious I am tired.

It’s 8am, and I’m in a discount hotel.  I just finished the mini cheese danish and apple juice that they offered for breakfast.  My slightly weak cup of coffee is next to me.

The neighbors had their tv on until 4am last night, and the front desk told me they only had feather pillows.  It was a rough night.  I hardly slept.  This morning, the front desk found me a real pillow.  I should have asked for ear plugs, too.

I still need to read over my thesis, and I’m trying to find enthusiasm for my defense.  I hear it’s a great opportunity to simply talk about your work.  But I’m either apathetic or scared, depending on how you look at it.

I’m seeing friends this afternoon, and there’s blues dancing tonight.  I think my favourite dancer is going to be there.  I really hope he is.  I’ve dreamt about dancing with him.  (In the conscious way, not in actual dreams, which would have been cool.)

My outfit makes me feel kick-ass, as does my new haircut and highlights.

I’m ready.

Today, I got a great new haircut, plus highlights (which I have never done before).  The highlights are really well done–they look like they belong in my hair.  The stylist did such a fantastic job; I’ll definitely go back if I stay in the area.  Anyway, I more or less just went in and asked for suggestions.  I figure that now that I’m done with school (nearly), and getting ready to join the real world (think interviews and a job), I should update my look to something more grown-up and professional than simply straight, no style hair.  I love it.

I applied for a job at my school.  I’m hoping for a chance to talk to the hiring person while I’m down there this weekend.  I’m not actually sure if it would pay enough (as in, I have no idea what the pay rate is), but I believe I would like the position.  It’s for an admissions counselor for the seminary.  And of course, I think I would be a good fit.  I mean, I went to the school, so I could be a valuable asset to the team.  Right?  (Plus, then I could take a class each semester with my alumni free class, and maybe get in more languages!)

December 14, 2012, 10:30am.  That’s when my thesis defense is scheduled.  That’s when I finally finish the requirements for my Master’s Degree.  Oh Praise Jesus.

I have a hotel booked for two nights.  I’ll be staying through the next day as two of my friends are getting married on the 15th.  And of course I have to show up the day before because the morning would be ridiculously early and stressful otherwise.

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This morning, my Shelby-kitten refused to leave the bathroom when I went to take my shower.  So I left her in there, and she sat on the toilet seat, staring at the shower the whole time.  When I got out, she started yowling at me.  I couldn’t tell if she was angry or frightened.  It was the oddest thing.  But hilarious.

I can’t tell if I simply like being single or if it’s all my issues that make me want to be single.  In the end, it doesn’t matter, because it’s one in the same until I can figure it out.

But I won’t extol the virtues of singleness again for you.  If you’ve been reading my blog, you’ve read it before.

Other news:

Today I broke my toe.  Well, I didn’t break it.  A lid to a rice cooker fell on it.  Blast.  At least toes don’t need doctors.  Since I don’t have any insurance.  Also, my toes get broken a lot.

I made mini cinnamon rolls and froze most of them (before cooking).  They’re so tiny.  And so delicious.  And so dang cute.

I know I should go back to church, but I’m not sure I care anymore.

I still don’t know when the ol’ oral defense for my thesis is, but I did email my program adviser today to ask.  I keep hoping he’ll email soon.  Maybe tomorrow.