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I hate angry days, and today has been an angry day.

I am looking forward to moving out for many reasons.  A couple that stand out today are that I will have distance from my family (which every 30 year old needs), and that I will be able to find a new group of friends (hopefully with time for me).

I am actually really lonely and sick of being lonely.  Significant conversations with people are so far and few between that they can’t possibly feed my soul.  And there is almost zero physical touch in my life, which leaves me empty.

God. I hate how I feel today.

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I don’t know how to be a Christian anymore.

I mean, I’m still a Christian.  I still believe in God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit.  My faith in the truth of the Gospel still stands strong.

But I don’t know how to be a Christian anymore.

I don’t know how to associate myself with the Christian culture, nor am I sure I want to do so.  I don’t know how to interact with “normal” Christians, who haven’t been trained to interact with their faith in an academic way.  I don’t want to interact with the ones who are mean-spirited and close-minded.  I believe strongly in the integrity of the Biblical message, yet I am socially liberal in many ways.  I don’t know how to integrate this way of thinking into a church setting.

And I’m not sure I care.

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Let’s talk about real stuff, in real ways.  Let’s stop answering every doubt or question with “You just need to pray about it.”  That is the most fucked-up answer you can give someone.  It’s not an answer at all.  It’s a superficial cop-out.

When I say I’m angry at the men who have wronged me in the past, I do not need anyone telling me I just need to pray more/harder about it.  God might be the healer, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to fix you overnight.  (Is this assumption another consequence of our microwave culture?)  When my friends have struggled with an aspect of their lives for most of their lives and have finally decided to embrace it as part of who they are, they do not need to be told to pray about it, in order to be “fixed.”

If I say I’m not sure I intend to date Christian men anymore, but would rather look for a person that I can be an actual partner with, I don’t need you to tell me to pray about it.  I need to be able to have genuine conversations about these things with like-minded people.  I need to be able to legitimately talk about the things that I am struggling to understand. I need it to be okay that I’m not sure.

One of my friends encouraged  me with the following: God is always faithful, always there, even though he (the friend) is not.  God doesn’t let us down, and surprisingly, lets us let him down.  Unconditional love.  His grace is fully there.  And his grace is still there, despite what path we walk.

So let me walk my path.  Let others walk theirs.  And don’t try to fix us.

 

Why is it that every man who is interested in me is more of a girl than I am?

That is not fair, perhaps.

But, seriously.

I’m not sure if they mistake my non-interest for playing games, but they are so needy, and I’ve never even met this most recent batch.  I should just cut them loose and be free.  (And currently, one is texting me about Star Wars vs Star Trek because I was stupid enough to give him my number, and he seems to think I want to spend my evening texting him.  By and large, I’m ignoring his texts, but that doesn’t seem to make a difference.)

Where are the grown-ups?

I suppose it doesn’t help that there’s that totally attractive guy at work to admire.  Who is a real adult.  And normal.

Why are normal men so rare?  Why is that something to be noted instead of expected?

Why?

Week two of my new job is done.  I still love it.  The people are great.  And today I finished organizing my personal space.  It only took 9 days… hahaha  Now I get to move onto the cupboards and supply areas.  Not that anyone’s told me to do this.  But it needs to be done.  There’s also this guy…  But you know, I know that’s a bad idea to even consider, since it’s work, so yeah.  (But he is interesting, and attractive, and… what else do you even need after only two weeks?)

And I’ve been on okcupid again, although I’ve ignored almost everyone who’s written to me, since almost all of them have been those lame-ass messages, such as “You’re hot, let’s talk,” or “You have a great smile, let’s go out sometime.”  Ugh.  And then I’m talking with a couple of others, but I don’t know that I’m even remotely interested in either.  Plus they live up here (and one of them farther away in the wrong direction) and I’ll be moving in a few months, so what’s the point?  Besides, it’s not like I have any time to be meeting new folk at this point.

I’ve also lost a total of 27 pounds so far and only have 4 more to go.  At least, as of last Sunday.  I’m feeling great and feeling like I look great.  It’s fantastic to be back to my pre-college weight/size.

AND, I think I have my student loan stuff figured out.  I just have to apply for the right programs, and it looks like my loan payments will be affordable!  Thank God.  I might even have enough money in my budget to get health insurance!!  I will be living a life of luxury soon.

Alright, that’s it for now.

It’s Friday of the first week at my new job.  And so far, I really do love it.  Everyone seems friendly and nice.  There’s a lot to learn for my job, and I’m nowhere near learning it all, which is nice.

One of the hardest parts, which I did not even know to anticipate, is learning to become familiar with a very wide variety of accents and names.  We get a lot of phone calls, and I have to transfer the calls to the correct person.  But there are names and accents that I’ve never heard before, and hearing them over the phone for the first time doesn’t make it easier.  I have been assured by everyone that it gets easier.

One of the things I love is the diversity.  It is awesome that my office, as well as those we work with, are not homogeneous.

I do have the world’s slowest computer, but have been told that the hope is to upgrade when we move offices at the end of the summer.  I intend to put a bid in for a new chair while I’m at it.  (Or perhaps I’ll keep an eye out for good sales.)

But other than the long commute, which makes for long days, I have no complaints.

I’m excited.

I had one of those rare dreams in which I was in a relationship with a man who cherished me, adored me, loved me.  The emotions were starkly real.  It was one of those dreams where you can actually feel the person next to you, where the memory is imprinted on your brain when you do finally wake.   In the dream, I was initially hesitant about choosing a relationship with him, but when am I not?  And he was patient and persistent.  When I woke up, it made me ache for that which I do not have.

Most of the time I am fine, more than fine, with being single.

But every so often, I am reminded of what I am missing out on, be it through a dream, or watching a friend, or a random moment of awareness.