I don’t know how to be a Christian anymore.

I mean, I’m still a Christian.  I still believe in God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit.  My faith in the truth of the Gospel still stands strong.

But I don’t know how to be a Christian anymore.

I don’t know how to associate myself with the Christian culture, nor am I sure I want to do so.  I don’t know how to interact with “normal” Christians, who haven’t been trained to interact with their faith in an academic way.  I don’t want to interact with the ones who are mean-spirited and close-minded.  I believe strongly in the integrity of the Biblical message, yet I am socially liberal in many ways.  I don’t know how to integrate this way of thinking into a church setting.

And I’m not sure I care.

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Let’s talk about real stuff, in real ways.  Let’s stop answering every doubt or question with “You just need to pray about it.”  That is the most fucked-up answer you can give someone.  It’s not an answer at all.  It’s a superficial cop-out.

When I say I’m angry at the men who have wronged me in the past, I do not need anyone telling me I just need to pray more/harder about it.  God might be the healer, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to fix you overnight.  (Is this assumption another consequence of our microwave culture?)  When my friends have struggled with an aspect of their lives for most of their lives and have finally decided to embrace it as part of who they are, they do not need to be told to pray about it, in order to be “fixed.”

If I say I’m not sure I intend to date Christian men anymore, but would rather look for a person that I can be an actual partner with, I don’t need you to tell me to pray about it.  I need to be able to have genuine conversations about these things with like-minded people.  I need to be able to legitimately talk about the things that I am struggling to understand. I need it to be okay that I’m not sure.

One of my friends encouraged  me with the following: God is always faithful, always there, even though he (the friend) is not.  God doesn’t let us down, and surprisingly, lets us let him down.  Unconditional love.  His grace is fully there.  And his grace is still there, despite what path we walk.

So let me walk my path.  Let others walk theirs.  And don’t try to fix us.

 

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