You are currently browsing the monthly archive for June 2013.

Well, damn.  I waited just long enough, and the work crush hesitates just enough, that my rational thinking actually caught up with me.

And I have good friends who tried, in the best ways, to talk sense into me.  Like the one who reminded me what happened when she tried to date a non-Christian.

The problem isn’t necessarily that I wouldn’t date a non-Christian.  The problem is that I know the relationship would have a definite expiration date.  And the problem then is that this would be a work relationship with an expiration date, and I intend to stay at my current workplace for quite some time.  Additionally, I am not willing to ruin my work experience for a guy.  If I could just convince myself that there was a real chance…

So I’m still not saying that nothing will happen with this guy, but I am saying that I’m finally thinking it through, weighing the options honestly.

And I reactivated my okcupid account again.  As long as I’m considering dating folk, I might as well at least leave the door open for guys that I don’t already know it would never work long-term.  Right?

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Last night, my Sophie-cat saw the future unfolding before her.  I had kicked the other two cats out from my room in preparation for going to bed.  And the second I turned around to grab her, she shot under the bed like a rocket.  Oddly, this is not normal behavior for her (considering how much she hates getting shut out of my room).  So I went about my routine, knowing she’d show her face eventually.  The little sneak ended up under the desk, as far back as she could get, but still be able to watch what I was doing.  I was able to pull her out and chuck her out the door, but I admit I felt bad for her.

It’s amazing how smart these cats are, what with their walnut brains.

Now if only I could have the same sort of foresight into my own life.

Every afternoon/evening, I am full of great ideas for better/more obvious flirting/suggestions with the work crush.  Every morning, I wake up determined to do nothing but wait it out.  I am not sure what the difference is, except I am more rational in the morning, and in the afternoon, I have just spent a day of random interactions with said crush, without  much satisfaction.  Seeing him at work always makes me want to see him outside of work.  But I can’t get a good read on him, and am hesitant to make a (second) move.

This is one part of being single that is both terrible and fun.  And I’ll give online dating this: at least you both know your initial intentions.  There is rarely any guesswork as to whether or not you are interested in friendship or dating, because you’re putting yourself out there to date.

I do wonder if it was a mistake not to affirm the enjoyment of having drinks together, along with the assertion that it should be done again.  You would think that with my history of dating non-risk taking men, I would learn what to do to optimize my chances.  Speaking of which, this propensity of mine used to bother me.  But then I realized a few things: One, I have zero desire for the typical, so-called “manly-man” in my life.  That kind of man drives me batty, to put it lightly.  Two, I have a strong personality, and two strong personalities together don’t always mesh well.  Three, who even cares who makes the initial moves, if relationships (of all sorts) are give and take situations anyway.

So you see how I can almost talk myself into being bold.  But I am just a chicken, in the end.  (Unless I’m not.)

I’m posting an awkward, not-the-greatest, self shot, excluding my head (which makes it all the more awkward) to show you a couple things.  One, my current weight (not that I’ve posted before photos), and two, one of the shirts I altered.  It used to have elastic around the waist with a ruffly hem and had zero shape, and after I lost weight, it looked awful.  But I still liked the front design and the colour, so I wanted to save it.  Admittedly, I hemmed it shorter than I intended (I got distracted part-way through the job), but I made it a loose fit on purpose, mostly because I still wanted to just be able to pull it on over my head without fussing with buttons.  (And those are my awesome size 8 shorts.)

me in june 002

I did lose yet another pound.  But it’s slowed down so much that unless I keep losing, I’m not going to worry about it.  I want to stay this size, so it is important I maintain, but I’d rather lose by accident than gain.

Well, that’s all for now.

Today I posted an article on facebook about predator pastors.  I commented that it was almost exactly like my experience with my ex-mentor from bible college (minus the original attraction she described–my feelings were entirely platonic, as you well know).  But, oh my god, it felt like I was reading something I could have wrote.  I also felt bold about posting so publicly on facebook, where all of my college friends will know who I am talking about, even though I’ve never told them what happened.

Additionally, today I was again mourning being molested as a young child.  I fear physical intimacy as much as I desire it.  The only tool I have now is my knowledge, and I do not know how much that will end up helping.  I hope significantly.  But I really don’t know.  Again, I have to wonder how one gets over something they can’t remember consciously, but that their body remembers.

I don’t want to remember these things anymore.

I want to be well and whole.

I want to forget that it was the Church each time.  The Body of Christ, who should have protected me.

It’s no wonder my faith has turned inward.

I haven’t posted about the kittens lately…  They’re still as cute as ever.

Sophie still likes to curl up in my recycling bin, still enjoys being pet on the rugs in the bathroom (go figure), and still jumps in the tub right after I shower.

Shelby is still my “old lady cat.”  She’s fussy and persnickety.  And if I try to take a nap on my bed (their bed?), Shelby still comes up to me and slaps my face a few times.  I tell myself she is merely checking to see if I’m alive…

And finally, Percy, my sister’s cat, is still a butt head.  But a very affectionate one, usually.

Last night, we left some large pieces of wrapping paper on the ground for the kittens (after my dad’s birthday), and the cats went crazy.  Sophie, in particular, ran around under the paper, dragging it with her, and making it look like the paper was moving independently.  It was fun to watch them.

I can’t get enough of this good weather we’re having.  The blue skies, the fluffy white clouds, the brilliant green of the surrounding vegetation, the warmth of the sun…  It’s delightful.

My birthday’s in a few weeks.  I’ll be 31.  I doubt that I’ll actually do anything for the occasion this year.  But my dad’s building me a clock, mini-grandfather style, from him and Mom.  It’s a curio clock, so it has little shelves to put knick-knacks.  Here, I found the link online: Curio Grandfather Clock Plan.  (It has a picture.)  Mine will be a little different, but not much.  Just a few aesthetic changes.

In other news, I think I might have to push my proposed move date back just a few weeks until August.  I was doing some actual math for my financial goals, and I think I’ll need an extra paycheck or two before I’m ready.  But, in the end, a few weeks one way or the other doesn’t signify.  The point is that I’m close, so close.

I had other things to say, but I’m tired of being angsty on here.  I feel like a broken record.  So I’m going to try to talk more about the incidentals, the fun little things of life.

Today I tackled a few mending projects I had waiting in the wings.  Three skirts, to be exact.  Two were too large, but I wanted to salvage them, and one just needed the liner to be shortened a bit (why oh why is that necessary–it should be made better in the first place).

So I went through all this effort with my most favourite of the skirts, a brown one I got years ago on a day trip with friends.  I did a fantastic job, but you know what?  I don’t think it’s going to fit right after all.  And so now I am sad.  (See my sad face?)   [Amendment: After being washed, the skirt hangs perfectly!  And you can’t even tell I altered it, since I did such a kick-ass job.  See my happy face?]

I also bought a pair of shorts for summer.  And they are size 8.  Yes, my friends, it’s true.  I can, on occasion, wear size 8 now.  God it feels great to have lost weight.

However, I have had a few people say to me to not get too skinny.  Can I first say that I have never been too skinny in my life, and it might be kind of nice to have that problem?  Regardless, I still feel huge.  I look in the mirror or at my body, and I don’t see svelteness, but softness.  Blast.  (Please don’t tell me I should just work out more.  First, I can’t afford the gym. Second, I hate running.  Third, you never get all that great looking from just brisk walking.  When I move out, I plan to do more exercise videos in the privacy of my own space… yoga, pilates, that sort of thing.)

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Last week, week four of work, was great work-wise.  But my introverted soul needed to be fed with more alone time than I was able to give it.  And that made the week hard.  I’m also wrestling with (and/or ignoring?) all kinds of real-life questions, and those take their toll.