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[Rhetorical Question Ahead] How weird is it that everyone is married or getting married?

I mean… people my age are married… some of them with kids… and houses…

And I’m just hoping to move out into my first real apartment.

Damn.

Somehow I missed the boat.  I meant to be married and settled down by now.  But instead, I’m nearly devoted to a life of singleness.  (I say nearly because I am currently in a stage in which I wish for nothing more than a husband and kids–although still not natural born, but adopted.)

It makes me feel young.  And not in a good way.

Single friends: you understand, right?

Can I just say how much I hate being poor?

And I’m all about the government helping out those who need help, but what about me?  Somehow, I don’t quite qualify for anything, it seems.  I make gross $28,000/year (roughly), but only bring home about $21,500.  And according to the DSHS website, I make too much to even get food stamps (which tends to be the bottom of the barrel when it comes to government assistance and which would help tons when I finally find an apartment).  I make little enough to apply for “affordable housing” apartments but they are actually above my budget.  And although I technically could qualify for low-income housing, the waiting lists are crazy long and tend to go to seniors, disabled folks, or people with families.

Today I got so mad at the whole situation that I ripped in half my absentee ballot that arrived in the mail and chucked it in the recycling.  I think the point was that if my government refuses to help me, why would I want to help them?

Listen, I have no problem living on a small budget: I’ve done it for years and will continue to do so.  But when I’ve paired down my budget to the bare necessities and still can’t quite afford the basics, I’m going to get upset.  I’m doing my part.  I’m working hard, helping out society, trying to be a good person.  And this is the thanks I get?

Fuck you, world.

 

(PS I promise that one of these days I will do my best to return to posts less angsty and angry.)

I had one of those weeks… where you’re just angry… and it’s so frustrating.

I think a lot of it is that my folks have been gone on vacation, and I’ve had to do all those extra things that they normally do.  The biggest time sucker being that my sister doesn’t clean up after herself.  So I get home and there is a sink full of dishes.  And I wake up and there are more dishes.  And it’s not my mess.  She doesn’t contribute.  These are things that make me feel utter fear at the idea of ever being married.  Because thinking of the stereotypical guy, combined with societal gender expectations, who do you think the cleaning would fall to, regardless of work situations?  Me, the woman.  Screw that.

Anyway, it made me irrationally angry at times.  Or I’m just angry.  I’m not sure.  I think I broke one of our vacuums last night (unintentionally).  I’m not sure if it’s all the way broken or it just needs a little TLC.  But I was in no mood for it.

And the cats have ripped three holes in the bottom of my box springs and have enjoyed frolicking inside it.  Last night a friend suggested pinning a sheet on the bottom of it, so I am trying that, and I hope it is successful.  It’s so irritating that they’re ruining my stuff.  And in particular, I’m fairly certain it was my sister’s cat who created the holes, not that my cats aren’t above enjoying the destruction.  Damn cats.

And I’m lonely.  So entirely lonely.  I’m lucky if I manage to see or talk to one friend a week, and have often gone much longer than that without any significant interactions with friends.  And it is not for lack of trying on my part.  Although, I have recently decided that I’m done trying.  I’m not going to reach out to friends anymore–none of them–and maybe then I’ll feel better about being rejected.  Because I won’t be being actively rejected, just passively.  Which is always better, right?

God.  I just need to move and start over in a new area.  New friends.  New life.  New routines.  New, new, new!

I was thinking I’d try to go to church when I move.  Because I was feeling friendlier to communal faith again, but now I’m just not sure.  Maybe I should just give up and accept my fate as a lapsed Christian who lives a private faith.  I can get into heaven by the skin of my teeth, to quote whatever verse that is from whatever gospel it’s from.  If heaven even exists.  (That’s not anger speaking, that’s a true doubt.)

And my ex-work-crush (henceforth called “J”) is one of the kindest and caring guys I have met in a long time.  And I can’t help but think that if I had a good network of friends still, that I wouldn’t be so attracted to him.  Because I think one of the most attractive things about him is that he is kind and pays attention and enjoys my company.

So life is basically just discouraging at the moment, although I still have hope for the future.  if I can just find an apartment in a kind of bad part of town (i.e. where I can afford to live), then I’m set.  I just fear finding a place in my price range.

Damn you married folk who have two incomes. The only benefits I see to marriage are pragmatic.  Because I think I actually believe that the majority of people get married not because they don’t want to live without the specific person they married, but because they wanted to be married.  So they settled and compromised and got married to a person.  Not to any great love of their life, but to a warm body, essentially.

Perhaps I am just jaded.  J seems to think so.  But he has hope that eventually I’ll get better.

I think I’ve felt emotionally bruised lately.

I’m probably just lonely.

It’s hard when most (not all) of my close friends live far away.  We are simply not in each others’ lives like I wish we were.

The whole ex-work-crush thing was good in one respect over all: it really made me realize how much faith still matters to me.  To be honest, I was concerned that I didn’t care anymore, that there was nothing left in me to care.  I am gratified to know that it still is important and a vital part of my life.  That said, I’m still not ready to jump back in with both feet.  But I might be ready to stick a toe in.

The other main thing that made me realize I could never date a non-Christian was actually visioning the future with a Christian, seeing how different my life would be, and wanting it that way.  (Specifically, one person made me remember this inadvertently, but he does not know, nor should he, probably.)

Speaking so vaguely of the aforementioned person…  I can never tell if its him or the idea of him that I’m still attracted to.  And because of that, I can never tell if I should put myself out there in a real way or just let it be.  So I continue to do nothing.  But I miss having him in my life–we’re still friends, but never like we were.  He was comfortable.  He never took energy to be around (and for an introvert like me, that’s saying something).  He understood me in an inherent way.  And yet.

For the 4th of July, I’ve been watching Firefly.  I feel like that’s an appropriate show for the day. :)

I’ve also been getting things done.  Such as, cleaning the $10 comfy chair I scored at a garage sale last weekend.  And making pizza dough for my sister’s party tomorrow.  And relaxing.

Work is going well, as always.  I do wish I had more to do on a regular basis, but maybe I’ll make up some things…  Staying busy is ideal.

And I should start looking for apartments, but the task is daunting.

Nothing too exciting to report.