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Life has been more of the same: work and home.  I could tell you dozens of cat stories, but I’ll refrain. 

I’m nearly ready to give up on church for good. 

Sorry I have nothing to contribute to the world wide web at this point.

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I finally realized what my litmus test is for churches: life groups/bible studies offered.

I truly believe that you can tell what a church considers important by what groups they define as important.

Pretty much every one ever offers a Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University course (he will teach you how to get out of debt for only $110–but I can tell you for free: learn how to budget and stop spending money).  Incidentally, I’m starting to think that FPU is a Christian cult.  Seriously.

They also seem to have some sort of Alpha/new believers/get to know our church class.  Which isn’t a bad thing, but I’m going to be straight with you: after both Bible College and Seminary, I do not need to attend this class.  I promise.

And then there’s the token women’s group, usually toted to be all about “what matters to women.”  Like getting married and having babies.  Maybe shopping if we’re having a relaxed moment.

And let’s not forget the sexual purity class for men.  Because only men need to work at sexual purity, and this is the only thing men care to learn about.

And there’s the marriage class or two.  And the parenting class.

But these are lacking.  And many of them demeaning.

I am more than my vagina.  Men are more than their penises.  I am not married nor do I have children nor do I particularly care that I have neither.  I could kick Dave Ramsey’s ass when it comes to budgets.

So what is there for me or for most normal folk?  Folk who don’t want to be defined by their gender or by their role as a spouse or parent, but by the fact that they are human beings, Christians?  What about the class that is devoted to helping each other grow to be more like Christ?  To learn his love and to learn to show his love?  Where are those classes?

This is why I can’t find a church.  They don’t want me.

I am just not sure that I am meant to be a Christian.

Not in this culture.

Not in this way.

Not with this heart.

I just don’t fit in.

Just an fyi: things have improved greatly at work, now that we’ve moved. As I hoped.

I’m back to looking for a church.  I’ve tried out two so far.  The first, well, the first sucked.  The second would have been okay (not great), but there was literally no one my age who wasn’t married with kids.  I’m looking for just two main things here: I want a church that I fit in with theologically and ideologically, and where I can find friends.  Is that too much to ask?  Anyway, I have two more churches on the  radar to try out.

Also, since moving out, my desire to be in a relationship has grown exponentially.  Must… resist…  I’m sure that it’s entirely related to the fact that I am lonely.  I have no social group here yet and so of course I would long for legitimate friendships and relationships.  I think the one thing that saves me from becoming a complete, desperate maniac is that I really don’t want children from my own body.  (You should know what I mean by this by now if you read my blog.)  So there, at least, I have no ticking clock.  I have all the time in the world to settle down with someone, if I ever do.

I still want a farm/land/gigantor garden.  Speaking of farms…  Do you remember my brief stint on farmersonly.com?  Apparently my friends tell their friends about it as proof that the site is real. ha!  (It’s my approach to dating sites that makes them impossible to work for me: I never take them seriously.  I just go on for amusement.  And so eventually, I always have to shut down my account when I get too many fellows who actually want to meet me.)

So other than being lonely, things are going well.  I have a couch and kitchen chairs (thank goodness).  The kittens are adjusting well, and being the little jerks only cats can be.  But they’re so cute that they make up for it.  Work is going well; the integration of our two offices is going smoothly overall.  There are always a few kerfuffles.  And I’ve messed up a bit on ordering (ran out of ink and paper towels), but in my defense, everything ran out at the same time and surprisingly fast compared to the previous three months.  Plus I was in the middle of moving two offices into one, so really, cut me some slack.

I really think finding a faith community is going to make all the difference in my personal life.