[Quick confession: I know I should be creative writing right now, not blogging, but I’ve been thinking about this for a few days and wanted to share.]

I went to a new church this last Sunday, as I mentioned.  (Side note: they sent me a $5 Safeway gift card in the mail!)  And one of the things the pastor said was that we should be listening to praise music more during the week.  He said that what goes in comes out, and I guess he has a point for that.  He also said that it didn’t matter if we liked it (I think he meant in comparison, not entirely).  He also mentioned that he likes secular music, too.  I think  his point is that secular shouldn’t be as steady a diet as, say, praise/worship music.

As it’s been so long since I listened to Christian music (except for rare occasions on my computer with my own preferences), I thought I might as well give his suggestion a try.  I usually listen to either country or pop in the car on the radio, but I’ve tuned to the local Christian station this week.

So far, I don’t hate it, but I’m not sure I like it, either.  I’ve tried singing along a bit, with songs that are familiar.  But I feel like a fake.  Of course, I don’t sing at church anymore, either.  If I’m feeling generous, I’ll stand up and not sing, but mostly I sit and don’t sing.  I’m not exactly sure why this is.  I can read my bible; I can talk theology; on occasion I pray.  But to sing to God?

I think I doubt the promises those songs speak of.  Even if in an academic sense I believe them, I haven’t seen them in my life the way that you supposedly do.  Or the way that I wanted, I guess.  And I am well aware that I’m not fulfilling my part of the bargain, so the whole thing feels like a sham in the end.

It’s not from a lack of desire; it’s from a lack of ability.  (Not speaking of faith in general; that is still mostly there.)  I guess I still haven’t recovered from realizing my ex-mentor is a lying, disgusting jerk, nor from finding out about being molested as a child, nor from everyone who has covered up for them or sided with them.  But without getting into all that again, the point is that I’m still broken, and I still don’t know how to recover.

I want to.  I just can’t.