The problem is, of course, that I don’t need anyone to point out my mistakes for me.  I will berate myself a million times over all by myself.  I don’t need any help to feel shitty about myself.

I just can’t seem to find any self-esteem in relation to my job.  I feel like the worst worker ever, and I don’t believe those who try to tell me it’s not true.  I am certain that I can do better, and I resolve daily to do so.  Somehow, I still fail. I wish I didn’t feel so insecure.

But this time, I am making lists.  And this time, I’m going to do a self-evaluation (like I’ll get from my supervisor after a year).  And I’m going to make the changes that I need to make to become a better worker.  One of the things I think I need to do is to stop being friendly with co-workers.  It’s too much temptation.  I know that this sounds ridiculous, but as the administrative assistant, I need to be 100% focused on my job (because, you know, you can’t let phone calls go to voicemail), half of which is answering the phone and greeting people.  But, for example, if I am away from my desk and get trapped into a conversation, then I am away from my desk longer than I ought to be.  I think I might start taking breaks and lunches at empty supervisor desks.  That should be a good, standoffish way to communicate that I am at work to work, not to make friends.  (For that matter, if I could just get some real friends, I wouldn’t want to talk to people at work as much because I wouldn’t be so lonely.)

It’s hard sometimes because I am so eager to use my brain, to be allowed to think, and in my position, those aren’t really options.  I daily feel as though a monkey could do my job (although, really, let’s be honest, I need a second monkey now that we’re merged into one office), and it’s hard to be motivated when you feel that way.  Plus if I’m praised for doing something I consider menial, obvious, normal, it’s hard to not feel patronized.

I wish the branding guidelines I am helping develop could move forward (I should remind my supervisor, I suppose).  I wish the brochure I’m helping to update could be finished.  I wish the ideas I have to help with donations/development could be implemented (although I’d have to tell someone them first, and no one has time to do them anyway).

At least I like my organization.  And most of the people I work with.  And my supervisor is great, really.  I just need to make myself be a good worker since I obviously am not yet one.

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