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The fudge was a dismal failure.  I’ve never had something turn out quite that bad before–I’m inclined to blame the recipe, because I’ve successfully made many candy recipes in the past.  That’s okay, though.  There has to be a few food failures in life.

I spent the day in town yesterday with a friend.  It was great, despite the freezing cold weather.  We had coffee, shopped, ate mini donuts.  Then we watched Hedwig and the Angry Inch.  I feel as though its one of those movies you need to watch more than once to really get the feel of it.  But that to say, it was good.

I also made a fantastic biscotti recipe yesterday.  My lands it is good.

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What is it about holidays that is designed to make you feel terrible?

Ugh.  If I could boycott every one of them, I would.  But I can’t.  And so, like a sucker, I fool myself into thinking that this year will be different, this holiday will be better.  It almost never is.  (On rare occasion, I get a good holiday, which only serves to give me false hope.)  Not that this one was the worst I’ve had–not by a long shot.

I had a mini pity party for myself tonight.  I cried on the way home and while washing the dishes I’d left myself this morning. And then I decided to buck up, put on some of my favourite music, and make a trial batch of fudge from a new-to-me recipe I’d found.  (It’s supposed to be older and more authentic: no marshmallows in this one!  Right now, it’s cooling so that I can add the final ingredients.)

But, anyway, I think I am just really feeling the loneliness of my self-chosen life.  And feeling the lack of being anyone’s favourite.  I know that one is silly, but I’ve never been anyone’s actual favourite person, and I can’t help but still want it.  It’s so stupid.  I’m 32: I should totally be over that.

Pathetic.

I’m sick of only bad news in the news.

I’m also sick of reading articles about why we need feminism.  Not because I am not a feminist myself (as you should know by now that I am), but because it never changes.  Rape culture, patriarchy, stupidity…  UGH.  The other day I posted a thing on facebook that simply said we need to start respecting women for being human, not because they are sisters or mothers or daughters or wives.  And the only people who commented were men who quickly took up defensive postures to announce that respect is a two way street–that men need respect, too.  (No shit, Sherlock–not that this is a problem for most of them…)  My god: is it necessary to be so defensive of anything that might elevate a woman to your level?  (Automatic respect due to the penis.)

Enough on that. I’ll just get worked up again.  And I get too upset to even attempt to be clear, concise, eloquent… I just want to slap them all and tell them to learn to use their brains.  (This is everyone who doesn’t get it, not just men.)

I think I might have too much angst toward men to date them.  (Truth.)

Eugh. Bedtime.

Sometimes I am just so tired of being alone.  This weekend is one of those times.  I just get to thinking about all the things I do alone, and how it so often would be much better with another person.

I mean, I think this until I imagine someone else’s mess (dishes, laundry, lack of general tidiness).

But making and eating food together, sharing cups of coffee in the morning, movies in the evening, and someone around to talk about life.

And I have this rotten desire to be in love.  I don’t know if its because I have so many friends for whom their love life is going splendidly or if it’s just one of those times.  It’s been a long time since I’ve loved anyone in that way.

I don’t want to be this person, though.  I want to be the person who is one hundred percent satisfied with being by herself.  I think I am most of the time, but I want to be all of the time.  I’m 32 and a failure at dating–what other options do I really have? (ha ha)

I could get a roommate, but I’m sort of over having roommates unless they’re the type you’re also sleeping with. (Just saying.)

That’s all, really.  I just sort of wanted to put this out into the universe.  It’s nothing new, but it’s where I find myself.  Again.

I really love the saying, “In for a penny, in for a pound.”  (A more recent version might be, “Go big or go home.”)  I think it could be one of my life mottoes.  [Unfortunately, when it comes to food, it is a terrible thing.  As in, if I go over my calorie limit by anything significant, I see no reason to stop further eating.  Ahem.]

I’m getting ready to start working on Christmas cards.  Sadly, there will not be another “family” picture this year–it is simply too hard to get a picture with both cats in it (as well as myself).  They do not cooperate.  Perhaps next year I will find the gumption again.  ha.  But, anyway, it’s hard to believe the holidays are just around the corner.  Before you know it, it’ll be 2015.  I’m really not ready.

In other news, I haven’t shaved my legs in over a month, and it is glorious.  The more I think about it, the more stupid it seems that we women find ourselves stuck in such ridiculous conventions.  What reason could there possibly be for us to continually scrape the hair off of our legs?  Men are allowed to be as hairy as they like.  Au natural, as it were.  But women are supposed to be devoid of hair–why??  I am not the first to question this, nor shall I be the last.  And I make no promises about my ability to not cave into social pressure–especially come summer.  That’s when I really have a hard time staying strong.  Mostly because I work in an office and love skirts/dresses.  In my non-work life, I don’t really care.  But I do often think that if all of us just stood together and said, “no more!” that societal expectations would have to change.

“But I know I’m gonna change that tune, when I’m back on top, back on top in June.”  Thanks, Sinatra, for explaining things so well.

——

I recently started using my dining room table again, at least for breakfast.  It’s easy to forgo it, living alone.  But there’s something so nice about sitting at the table with breakfast, a cup of coffee, and whatever book I’m currently reading.  It just feels better.

I’m counting down every week, for no other reason than to wish for the weekend.  I think I should plan a mini vacation (staycation, probably) at some point after the holidays.  I think I just need more than a couple or few days to rejuvenate.  And perhaps to feel like I have the time to work on some projects I’ve had on the back burner.

Also, I wish that cheese didn’t have so many calories in it.  I’m using myfitnesspal with work friends, trying to lose the weight I’ve allowed to creep on, and it’s a great app, but so condemning.  And cheese is just so delightful–I keep daydreaming of all sorts of comforting, delicious dishes, like mac & cheese or grilled cheese sandwiches.  But the calories!  Sigh.

About a week ago, I reactivated my okcupid.  But I’m starting to see a trend in my life. (Okay, not starting to see. Just continuing to see it despite my best wishes that it’s not true.)  The actual idea of dates sound terrible to me.  I’m pseudo planning one for this Friday with a guy, and it just sounds awful: the time, the effort, the inevitability of failure…

A friend and I went out for dinner and drinks last weekend.  It was fun, casual, fantastic.  We sat and talked and laughed and just enjoyed ourselves for hours.  Now, why can’t dates be like that?

I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again.  Maybe I’m just not meant to online date.  It’s hard for me to connect with people, and I just don’t see myself ever connecting with someone I’ve met online soon enough to be willing to give them a real chance.  Plus in the meantime, it’s just pure agony.

I think I’m just going to close down the account.  And if I tell you I’m signing up again, remind me of what a stupid idea that is.  Deal?

—-

Speaking of last weekend, my friend and I discovered the best little tavern ever.  It was just like Cheers.  Everyone knew everyone’s names and appeared to be friends.  So weird!  Plus great prices on drinks.  I think that place will go on the rotation.  (Pretending as if I have a real rotation of places I’m willing to go on a regular basis other than Safeway, Target, Starbucks, and now this tavern. hahaha)