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Work is crazy again.  My department has four financial supervisors.  About a week ago, we fired one of them.  And starting yesterday, another is in Gambia for a month visiting family.  Now there are two of us left to do the work of four.  And the one that got fired left a huge mess.  So my cohort and I are feeling incredibly overwhelmed right now.  I think both of us have some amount of fear in our hearts.

It is good I actually love my job because that makes it worth it.  Plus this can only last so long–we’ll hire someone, the other one will come back, it will be okay.  But in the meantime… yikes!

I survived the weekend.  The shower went really well–I think everyone had a good time.  I had one ‘minor’ personal hitch, but I am not going to tell about it online, so if you’re curious, you should ask me in real life.  It’s worth it.  (And was entirely mortifying, hence the refusal to write about it here.)

I did go on a hike with my friend on Saturday.  It was a really good hike, although I think that I should have picked a slightly easier one for my first hike in two years.  It ended up being 8.2 miles, steady incline (~2000 ft), tons of crib stairs.  It was beautiful, though.  And my friend never made me feel as pathetic as I know I was.  She was totally great about all of it: let me go slow, let me rest, never made me feel like she wished she could go faster.  (She and her partner have been hiking every weekend for quite some time now, so she’s pretty kick-ass.)

Here’s a couple pictures from the hike:

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Oh the time, it flies.

This is the shower weekend. Today I’m going reception dress shopping in the city with my friend.  She needs something she can dance in.  (Which reminds me–I MUST start going swing dancing again. I’m supposed to help teach guests how!)  Then tomorrow, as it turns out, I have the day off from maid-of-honor responsibilities: I think my other friend and I are going to hang out–do something outside, maybe a hike?

Oooo!  Speaking of which, last weekend I spent all the money ever and purchased new hiking gear!  I got new boots, socks, liner socks (I didn’t know that was a thing), a day pack (it’s beautiful!), a first aid kit (easier than making your own), a pair of pants that turn into shorts (and are not cotton, like everything else I own), and a guide book to hikes within two hours of where I live.  I’m so ready to start hiking again.  For real!

Then, back to Sunday, it’s the shower day!  I’m still losing on coming up with good games. I’ve found a few, sort of, but I’m not sure how much I like them–the internet is failing me!  Ugh!  I was supposed to be done with this by now!  (Oh man, too many exclamation points.)

In other news, I am painting my toenails NEON PINK.  Yes, that required capital letters.  I might wear my chacos today (as will my friend).  So my toes needed to be ready to be seen by the world at large.

And finally, a note about how confusing it gets to mention more than one friend in this blog without using any distinguishing marks, but to still be able to tell that it’s separate people.

So I guess my last post came off as really sad.  Not pathetic sad, but sad-sad.  (This from my best friend.)  That certainly wasn’t my intention–I was merely expressing my current state of mind, on a whim, to the blogosphere.  So don’t think I’m sitting around boo-hooing.  I’m not.  I still may want things I do not have, but I’m sure that is only a temporary conundrum, until I remember again that what I have is enough.

Or maybe, I just need to get out of online dating, which is depressing, and learn to meet people in real life.  Maybe then I wouldn’t have to merely be happy with what I have, but could actually have what I want.

I know I try online dating a lot.  I know each time I come away saying “never again.”  And I know I have good reasons for quitting (and terrible ones for starting anew).  But in the end, I am just not sure I have the right personality for it.  Also, if I may toot my own horn a bit, I think I am a pretty awesome person.  I have a decent sense of humor, I’m intelligent, I am fun.  But I don’t think I can adequately convey myself online in a way that is compelling. (Plus I dislike trying to connect with someone in such flat format.)  So I either need a ghost writer for my profile (I hear this is a thing), or I should just focus on meeting people in real life.

On a side note, somewhat related: I have so much more emotional energy with my new job!  Since I don’t spend all day talking/interacting with people, I actually want to hang out with people/friends after work and on weekends.  This is amazing!  Now I just need to make more friends because I only have one in the immediate area, and she has a life outside of me.  (Weird, right?  As if I’m not enough…)

Oh god, I am going to be alone forever.

I want to only be happy with where I am and what I have in life.  But sometimes I am just so lonely that I despair of the days which stretch out before me, the same as they have always been.

I blame all my friends in happy, healthy, long-term relationships, who are showing me just what I am missing out on.

I am tired of doing everything by myself.  I do desire companionship.  But I seem incapable of obtaining it.

I want someone to wake up to, with whom to drink a morning cup of coffee.

I want someone to wrap their arms around me, to hold me at night.

I want someone to be a part of, who will be a part of me.

I want to wear someone, skin to skin, heart to heart.

I know what I want, but how do I get it?

Online dating is the worst.  And yet, I’m back again.

You know what/who else is the worst?  Jillian Michaels.  Ever since I got the new job at work, I’ve nearly given up on exercise, but I’m really starting to feel like a sluggard.  So this morning, with fresh commitment in my heart, I decided to jump start intentional movement (aka exercise) again.  Jillian’s 30 Day Shred, even Level 1, is brutal.  I can’t imagine ever being good enough to progress to the next level (there are 3).  Probably because I hate it so much I don’t use that video very often.  (A vicious cycle.)

And it’s April, you guys.  April!  Do you know–my friend’s shower is in 2 weeks?!?!  This weekend I need to get a move on prepping/finishing things that need to get done ahead of time.  But I want to play this weekend.  Life, how you smite me with your responsibilities.