I’m basically having the worst week ever, emotionally.  I’m not going to go into all the boring details, because who the fuck cares besides me?  But I will tell you about one part of it.

I had applied for a job, a promotion, at my office.  One that I was really excited about.  Today, I rescinded it–this after an official interview and an unofficial interview.  There were only two of us in the running–myself and a co-worker.  He has been with the organization for 10 years.  Ten fucking years.  And everyone loves him.  He’s not like me, who gets a very mixed bag.

That said, I had two things that worried me excessively.  One, that the office would hold it against me if I got the position over him.  To be honest, I would do a better job at the actual tasks.  But he will be friendlier and will get along with the other managers and directors better, not to mention everyone else.  They will like him better because they do already.  Plus, people will feel as though it’s owed him because he’s been there so long.  Two, through the questions and conversation of the interview, it just came to rest quite heavily on my shoulders that I have no business working a job that works with people.  I suck at working with people.  I’m not likeable or relate-able. I need to find a job that deals less and less with people and just keeps me at my desk with numbers or facts or whatever.

So I took myself out of the running, took the decision away from my supervisor, and essentially handed him the job on a silver platter.

Then I came home and cried.

Fuck life this week.