When I first came out at work, my CEO (who is gay, by the way–we have a lot of queer folk at work, which I love), told me that now we just had to wait and see what kind of lesbian I was.  Last night at our holiday party, he mentioned it again.

The first time he said it, I felt unnecessary pressure. After all, I was just getting used to calling myself “gay” or “lesbian.”  Why would I then try to subdivide it even further?  And I’m not hugely big on labels.  I don’t feel a big need to label myself unless it’s useful.

Now, everyone knows I’m into butch women.  I can go on and on about how incredibly hot they are, beautiful, fantastic…  When I show pictures to friends/co-workers, they all try to find something nice to say, but apparently not everyone is as into butch women as I am?  I find that really weird, actually.  (And most of these friends are straight, does that make a difference?)

When I was coming out, I was told by multiple sources in multiple ways that butch women aren’t into butch women–they’re into femmes.  I am not a femme, nor is my spirit animal a femme.  But I thought, maybe I should try to toe the femme line to get a chance at being found attractive by butch women.  I’ve been doing that for these past months.  But in the last month or so, I’ve realized that this is stupid.

Yes, there will certainly be people who won’t be into me if I present how I want to present myself.  But that’s okay.  Not everyone has to–I certainly am not into everyone.  I just don’t want to be told that I should try to have longer hair or wear girlier clothing.  I did that game the whole time I was trying to be straight.  I’m tired of it.  I want to go back to what’s comfortable and natural and good feeling.  I want more plaid button-ups. (Fuck yes.)

This all comes down to hair.  Okay, not really, but for the purpose of this post it does.  I’m getting a haircut today that I’m really excited about.  It’s much edgier than my current cut or previous one.  It’s one that I’ve considered, but have been too much of a chicken to commit to.

And for some reason, getting haircuts that I feel represent me give me permission to let the rest of me represent me.  Is hair my superpower or my kryptonite?

But you know what else?  I’m finally going to buy myself a tie.  And a good button up to wear it with.  I have wanted a tie since high school, have wanted to rock the button up  and tie look for years.  Now I will have to learn to tie the damn thing, but that’s what youtube is for, right?

I like this whole rediscovering myself phase. It’s really fun.