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Okay, scratch that whole dating hiatus thing.

What surprises me is that I keep surprising myself.  I’m used to saying no to everything.  It’s so weird to find myself saying yes instead.  I don’t mean that in a bad way at all.  It’s just unfamiliar.

And despite the fact that these last few years have been nothing but learning things about myself, I’m not used to the fact that there are leagues of things I still have to find out.

I guess that’s all I really have to say about that at the moment.  I think the rest of it is still too much to type out coherently.


I don’t spend too much time talking about things that bum me on on here (at least not lately), mostly because I don’t like to see them written out, but also because lately I can’t remain focused on the sad for long.  There’s too much good to explore and feel.

However, one point of constant hurt is my family.  I don’t like to complain because I feel like I’m pretty lucky in that regard.  They haven’t disowned me or been terrible about me being gay.  Things could be so much worse.  But…

My brother called today.  Granted, he has a lot of shit going on in his own life with his soon to be ex-wife.  That is its own source of sadness and hurt, and plenty of it.  But near the end of the conversation, I made the mistake of asking if the parents had said anything recently about my gayness.

Mom is in denial, as I suspected.  She seems to think that this is a phase, and I’ll go back to dating men at some point; that I’ll realize this was all a mistake and things will be back to normal.  Dad just doesn’t like to think about it, really.  He has a hard time talking about it, using the words to say what I am.  But he also seems to think it’s his fault somehow.  And my brother, the brother I have always adored and looked up to, also isn’t a fan–which I had suspected, but am apparently masochistic enough to ask for clarification.  I didn’t need an update on my sister–I already know that she thinks it’s bad, but, of course, like with all of them, still want me in her life.

The problem is it’s not the same as it was before I came out.  I was never close with them, but this is worse.  And the words they use…  Being gay is compared to mistakes, bad choices, sin, addiction, being a bad person, etc, etc, etc.  (This, oddly, in my defense when my brother allegedly was trying to explain to my dad how he can still have me in his life–there are people you are friends with, but don’t like all their life choices…)

It makes me feel physically ill.

My mom wants me to come over for Easter next week.  I can’t do it.  But I feel guilty about not going.  It’s so fucked up.  Part of my problem is that I do, for some reason, want them to stay in my life.  So then I feel a responsibility to make them see how happy I am now, how good it is, how right it is.  But they’re never going to see that, and it’s only hurting me.  Still, I can’t completely cut them out.  I just can’t.  I just need them in small doses, infrequently…


I went on a first date last night.  I know I said I was taking a hiatus, but… how do you not go out with women who are talking to you online, wanting to go on dates?  (I haven’t yet brought myself to be able to temporarily disable my profiles, even though I suspect that wouldn’t be a bad idea.)

But… ugh. The incredible lack of chemistry, along with her lack of personality… It was one of those super short, super awful dates.  Awful in the sense that I took time out of my schedule, after work, to meet a stranger, with not great results.  I mean, I had more chemistry with the waiter, and he was a dude.  [Remember that guy I went out with when I was still trying to be straight where I had more chemistry with my sandwich?  At least this is an improvement on that.]

I had originally lined up another first date for tonight, but canceled after last night because I just can’t take the thought of two duds in a row.

But it’s making me wonder…  Do these women really have so little personality?  Is it me?  What if I have no personality?  (My best friend assures me this is not the case.)  Maybe it’s just that I’m so tired with the new job that I’m incapable of creating or allowing chemistry with new people at the moment?

How does chemistry even work?  What is it about a meeting a new person that makes you want to know more… or the opposite?  Inquiring minds want to know.  So if you have a hypothesis (or even actual science?!), pass it on.

Speaking of science… good gracious, science is sexy.

The break from dating is still on. I have not not changed my mind in the last three days.

However, I have identified what I need: a starter girlfriend.  (Incidentally, I used to tell one of my friends that all he needed was a starter girlfriend, but that was before he came out, so when he did, I amended it to starter boyfriend.  It seemed to have worked well for him, not that I think he went into any of his relationships expecting them to be short term.)

I think I view this idea as a trial relationship.  Something to get my feet wet, to try things out, to see how it feels to date a woman.  That with the addition of the fact that I can’t seem to wrap my mind around the idea of dating just one woman long-term at this point.  There are still too many women out there to date…

I still question the ethics of this.  When I start parsing it out, it comes down to wanting to date a woman that I’m attracted to (obviously), but not one I’d think I could be with forever (I use that word here loosely, not literally).  I recognize that it’s dangerous business (so to speak) to plan to date someone short term–emotions can get involved that were never intended.  (I feel as though I am definitely at risk for this, since I’m still learning how to keep emotions out of casual dating.)  But I’m less concerned for my own emotions than being an ass to someone else.

I suppose that being upfront about it, like the bisexual butch recommended in a comment on one of my previous posts, would be technically the right thing to do.  However… I may not intend to do the right thing after all?

It’s an interesting pastime for me, learning about how I actually feel about dating and sex and love (among other things).  I had ideas before, based on a lack of interest in men, but now that the real me is unleashed, I’m still learning who she is.  And I have to tell you, I’m liking her, regardless of her potentially sketchy ethics.

A few things to note.

I’ve noticed that ever since I started wearing men’s clothing, I feel more feminine than I ever did wearing women’s clothing, including dresses.  I don’t know if it’s that I’m finally comfortable and can feel like myself, or if it’s that the physical hallmarks of femininity feel more pronounced in typical men’s clothes.  Or something else entirely.  But it’s yet another thing that has taken me by surprise.

I think I’ve decided to take a break from dating, or at least, from putting effort into dating.  I’ve left my profiles up, so anyone is welcome to contact me.  But I’m not going to try to set up dates for awhile.  Don’t get me wrong; I haven’t all of a sudden decided that I don’t like dating women (is that even possible?!).  But with the new job, old friends, and new friends, I am tired.  I just don’t have the energy to keep meeting new people right now, especially when so many of them have been exhibiting a distinct lack of chemistry.  (Oh, lands, the date I went on last weekend… Ugh!  So much potential, yet so little fulfillment.)

Plus, I have other motives for not wanting to date right now, but none of them are motives I should allow to exist.  I feel like I’m playing with fire, knowingly, yet slightly beyond my control to step back.

I’m feeling nostalgic tonight for things I’ve never yet had.

When there’s a happy cat on your lap, you can’t get up to do things.  Hence, this blog entry.

Quite some time ago, I blogged about making pina colada cake.  I think I’d tried it two different ways at that point, but unsuccessfully.*  However, as of yesterday, I have a winner.  So, I’m going to share it with you, because the world needs more pina colada cake.

The big problem before was the pineapple.  How to incorporate it without it ruining the texture of the cake (or frosting)?  It finally occurred to me: freeze dried pineapple!  Bingo!

I took my base recipe from King Arthur Flour: Gluten Free Vanilla Coconut Flour Cupcakes.  To the batter, I added a teaspoon of rum (real rum).  I also added a cup of toasted, unsweetened coconut.  Next time, I would add a teaspoon of coconut extract and only one teaspoon of vanilla.  Keep the rum for sure, maybe add more?  (Be careful of adding too much liquid–coconut flour is really sensitive about the liquid to flour ratio.)

For the frosting, I used the buttermilk frosting recipe they list (which is just like every other one, so use whatever you like).  But I added 1.5oz freeze dried pineapple, powdered, and 2 teaspoons of rum.  I think I might add more rum next time, though.  I powdered my pineapple with my mortar and pestle and just put it through a sieve to get out any “big” pieces I couldn’t pulverize.  However, I hear those food processors work great, if you have one. ;)

Finally, I decorated them with toasted coconut on top of the frosting.  These cupcakes are so incredibly good.  Seriously.

*Oddly, in my blog post about it, I raved about the recipe I shared.  However, my own comment, posted later, indicates not all was as it seemed…

Remember the one I mentioned that brought me cold brew coffee in case we couldn’t find any hot coffee the morning of our adventure? Last night we went to an event together, and when I got there, I was hungry, but they didn’t serve food.  Knowing the area better, she went out into the rainy weather, despite not being very hungry herself, to get us something to eat, while I saved our seats inside. I didn’t even ask; she offered.

Seriously, this woman clearly knows the way to my heart.

I may have lost a lot of “friends” when I came out, but the new ones I’m making are great.