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It’s a three day weekend, thankfully. One of my favorite people to follow on twitter posted this:

So I’m right on schedule for Saturday.  I am hoping, however, to abstain from Monday’s feeling until at least that evening. :)

I’m going shopping tomorrow for an outfit for my best friend’s wedding.  I’m also in need of a jacket–like a sport coat / suit jacket type– because I need to go to court for my job for court supervised cases (just a normal part of the job), and I can’t just show up in a button up and a tie.  At least, the men in the office all go in a jacket, as well as a tie.  So I feel like I ought to follow suit.

But I’m nervous about trying to find a jacket that looks right and fits right.  I’m guessing I’ll likely have to get it tailored, so I’m nervous about finding a tailor who will be willing to do it right (i.e. not try to put feminine curves in).  Uggh.

I’m hoping my shopping karma is strong tomorrow.

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I have very exciting news.

I found a queer tattoo artist who is going to do my next tattoo.  Bonus points: she also loves Harry Potter.  My consultation is next Friday.  I’m not sure when the actual tattoo will happen.

Did I mention what my plan is for the next tattoo?  I want to get the Hogwarts crest with the Ravenclaw quadrant in color, but the rest in black.

If everything goes well with this artist, I’m going to have her help me design a half or three-quarter sleeve next.

I’m super excited that this is finally happening.

I went on a first date last week (actually, I went on a total of three first dates last week, all with women on the femme side of things) and the woman I was with called me “futch,” which I didn’t know what that meant at first.  And then she told me her interpretation: feminine butch.  Hm.  I’ve looked it up on urbandictionary.com, and the definition seems solid, but I don’t think it describes me.

It seems to me that futch has more to do with intentionally blurring the lines between femme and butch. But I prefer soft butch for myself.  I have a feminine face–there is nothing I can do about that, and I refuse to be stereotypically hyper-masculine (as previously discussed), but I visually present as masculine.  Soft butch just fits.  At least, it fits better than any other label I’ve come across.

Now, back to my confusion about femmes, because I’ve been doing more thinking.  I don’t think I’ll ever go for a true femme. Speaking of which, I don’t know what it is, but I can’t get behind women with long hair.  It just doesn’t do anything for me, and if anything, it’s actually a turn-off.  (There’s just so much of it… gah!)

I think my confusion lies in that femmes have such traditional beauty.  They’re nice to look at.  But in the end, I don’t want to get any of them in bed…  Now, give me an androgynous or butch woman, and wowza.  They’re just so sexy.

I am afraid of femmes.

Let that sink in for a moment. Afraid of femmes.

This shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise to anyone who knows me. I have never known what to do with feminine women–those who can do their hair and make-up and who know how to dress…

When I came out, I found myself more attracted to butch women (like myself) or androgynous women.  But lately, things are changing. [Why is this year nothing but changes? Can’t anything be steady, for at least a little while?]

I’ve realized that I’m not really into butches as much as androgynous women.  And recently, I’ve found myself drawn to the femme side of androgyny.  I’m still super nervous about hard femmes, so I tend to avoid them.

My big concern is that I don’t want to get trapped in heteronormative gender norms if I start dating femmes. I will not be made into the traditional “man” of the relationship. It’s a partnership or nothing. I’m happily gay. I don’t want to mirror a stereotypical straight relationship. And, if anything, my masculine presentation as a woman should defy gender norms, not give into them.

The other thing is, what do I do about my nervousness (fear) about femmes?  They just seem so entirely other… beautiful, feminine, put-together…

I went on a date with a femme last night, and she was a delight. She had such clean lines–I don’t know how to explain that better, but I’m talking about her outfit, from her top to her skirt to her shoes–it just flowed in an entirely delicious way.

But part of me doesn’t feel like I’m in the same league as femmes. That I’m not attractive enough or butch enough or strong enough to be with someone who is so okay with being feminine, when I am so clearly not. (Although, I have thought that it must be wonderful to be with someone who is not also harboring body dysphoria, whose body I can enjoy without hesitation. This may assume too much or perhaps too little…)

And of course, all of this is subject to change. :)

Another day, another dollar.

I’m officially not seeing LM anymore.  The details really aren’t important; I’m sure what you know of the situation is enough to put the pieces together on what was a doomed situation.  But I have two first dates lined up for this week, so I feel like I’m doing pretty good.

Like B has told me, this was just another experience most people have in their teens that now I can cross off my list.  And another of my friends assures me that almost no one has successful anything in their first year of dating.  (It is weird to think of this as my first year of dating, but it really is.  All the other years trying to date men just don’t count.)

I’ve been doing more thinking about labels.  And I’m not quite sure I fit the butch label entirely–or maybe I do, but with caveats?  I think the biggest thing I balk at is the often heteronormative expectations that people assign to being butch.  I have no interest in adopting chauvinistic or traditionally masculine values.  I am going to dress and present in the manner I feel most comfortable, but I’m not going to alter my behavior to fit anyone’s ideas of who I am.

In other news, I am dreading work today because I have nothing to do.  That is a rotten feeling.  I sincerely hope it starts picking up soon.

Life!

I have so much angst about  my job. I’ve talked to my boss, but I’m not sure how much it’s going to make a difference. I’ve been there for almost three months, and I still have nothing to do.  I really don’t know what my options are at this point.

I’m not sure I’m going to keep seeing LM.  Not because I don’t want to see her, but because I am tired of her not being open with me about where she stands.  That statement, in all it’s nakedness, feels unfair to her, but I don’t think it is.  It’s just a nice summary point of how I’m feeling.  I’ve sent her a mostly emotional message (ha) stating everything as objectively as I could, so we’ll see where it goes.

That said, I’ve set up a date for next week with a cute girl from okcupid.  I’m not interested in meeting anyone else at the moment, but in the interest of self-preservation, I figured I may as well go for it.  I can’t let myself wallow.  I’m so frustrated right now.