I am afraid of femmes.

Let that sink in for a moment. Afraid of femmes.

This shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise to anyone who knows me. I have never known what to do with feminine women–those who can do their hair and make-up and who know how to dress…

When I came out, I found myself more attracted to butch women (like myself) or androgynous women.  But lately, things are changing. [Why is this year nothing but changes? Can’t anything be steady, for at least a little while?]

I’ve realized that I’m not really into butches as much as androgynous women.  And recently, I’ve found myself drawn to the femme side of androgyny.  I’m still super nervous about hard femmes, so I tend to avoid them.

My big concern is that I don’t want to get trapped in heteronormative gender norms if I start dating femmes. I will not be made into the traditional “man” of the relationship. It’s a partnership or nothing. I’m happily gay. I don’t want to mirror a stereotypical straight relationship. And, if anything, my masculine presentation as a woman should defy gender norms, not give into them.

The other thing is, what do I do about my nervousness (fear) about femmes?  They just seem so entirely other… beautiful, feminine, put-together…

I went on a date with a femme last night, and she was a delight. She had such clean lines–I don’t know how to explain that better, but I’m talking about her outfit, from her top to her skirt to her shoes–it just flowed in an entirely delicious way.

But part of me doesn’t feel like I’m in the same league as femmes. That I’m not attractive enough or butch enough or strong enough to be with someone who is so okay with being feminine, when I am so clearly not. (Although, I have thought that it must be wonderful to be with someone who is not also harboring body dysphoria, whose body I can enjoy without hesitation. This may assume too much or perhaps too little…)

And of course, all of this is subject to change. :)

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