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I’m thinking of starting a new blog.  I want a blog where no one I know in real life reads it.  I’d like to take along some of you readers, the ones I don’t know, but there is no way for me to do that in an expeditious manner.

It is just that I am weary of worrying about writing something that someone I know will see and worrying if they won’t like it or will question me or…  I regret, in many ways, ever telling anyone I know about this blog (and the numbers are few enough).

I suppose if I decide to switch, I’ll just have to miss those of you who have been so supportive this last year.  But, as I’ve always said, my blog is mostly for myself.  For my need to put thoughts out there.

I just need space.  I need new starts and new places and new people.  I need to feel safe to say all my thoughts, the ones I cannot currently say.

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I went for drinks with my old boss last night.  It was good to see her again.  One of the things she wanted to know is if I was still identifying as a woman, which I considered a fair question in light of some of our conversation.  I told her yes.  I don’t really see that changing, but I also hesitate at the term.  At the same time, this last year has already been so full of transitions and changes that I cannot even imagine adding investigating how I feel about gender.

I finally like what I see in the mirror, the whole package.  I like my clothes, I like my hair, I like how I look in/with them.  It’s so reassuring to look at myself and see a person I recognize.  That’s enough for now.  The questions may come later, and if they do, they will have to wait until things feel a bit more stable.

Now, for the continued hypothetical question of monogamy.  With as stressed as I get about merely setting up dates with multiple people during one week, I don’t think that I could realistically do non-monogamy (having already decided against polyamory).  I think I simply want a steady relationship.  And if it was going to be open in any way, I think it would have to be purely casual and obviously decided together.  But I’m not even convinced that I would want that, either.

I’m hoping this next chapter of life has good things for me.

In theory, I’m job hunting again.  I have very little desire to job hunt, but I also have very little desire to stay at my current job, doing nothing.  My attitude is failing; I dread going to work each day.  I could literally go to work one day a week and get everything done.

So, it’s time to look for a job.  It’s the worst, but I can’t see any way around it.  I figure that I will either get a new job or they’ll start giving me work at my current job.  But things have to change.  They just have to.

But why can’t there just be a time when things start going smoothly?  I’d really rather not look for a job until I’m ready to start looking for a job in tech, which will be at least a year from now.