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Only a few more days until I leave for my best friend’s wedding.  You’d think I’d be getting more done in preparation, but I apparently believe the next two evenings will be sufficient. Ha.  All I need to do, really, is ironing, packing, cleaning.  Um, yeah.  My friends who are driving up with me will be getting here Tuesday evening.  Tomorrow evening I’m supposed to finish my homework assignment for the next week (or, at least, get a good start on it).

Well.  It’ll all get done.  In the meantime, I’m having a beer and watching lame-ass movies.

Speaking of not lame-as movies, I just watched 52 Tuesdays on Netflix.  If you haven’t seen it, watch it.  It was thought provoking, and I thought well done.

I’ve been coming across the term ‘boi’ more and more, and I’m beginning to think it may be a fit for me.  I’m still not sure I’ll adopt it, but I’m going to spend some time trying it on, tasting it, seeing how it feels.

Weekends are never long enough.  Still on my list of chores to do: laundry, ironing, scrub the tub, vacuum.  But guess how many hours of Netflix I’ve watched already?  Oops.

I have a friend coming over this afternoon–we may take a walk or just stay inside.  It depends on what the weather decides to do.  Tomorrow I have a second date with a woman I met online–we’re going bowling.  I’m sure I will impress her with my ability to get an absurd amount of gutter balls…

I think a trip to Starbucks may be in order when my friend gets here.  Priorities.

Do you ever just feel the inevitability of your life?

That aside, I feel like I’ve gotten a fair amount done this holiday weekend.

I cleaned all the linoleum/tile floors.  (I never do that, so it was an accomplishment.)  I cooked.  I washed laundry.  I did all my regular chores.

And I made this:

QuotePretty snazzy, eh?  All I need is the right size frame.

I had one of those weeks… where you’re just angry… and it’s so frustrating.

I think a lot of it is that my folks have been gone on vacation, and I’ve had to do all those extra things that they normally do.  The biggest time sucker being that my sister doesn’t clean up after herself.  So I get home and there is a sink full of dishes.  And I wake up and there are more dishes.  And it’s not my mess.  She doesn’t contribute.  These are things that make me feel utter fear at the idea of ever being married.  Because thinking of the stereotypical guy, combined with societal gender expectations, who do you think the cleaning would fall to, regardless of work situations?  Me, the woman.  Screw that.

Anyway, it made me irrationally angry at times.  Or I’m just angry.  I’m not sure.  I think I broke one of our vacuums last night (unintentionally).  I’m not sure if it’s all the way broken or it just needs a little TLC.  But I was in no mood for it.

And the cats have ripped three holes in the bottom of my box springs and have enjoyed frolicking inside it.  Last night a friend suggested pinning a sheet on the bottom of it, so I am trying that, and I hope it is successful.  It’s so irritating that they’re ruining my stuff.  And in particular, I’m fairly certain it was my sister’s cat who created the holes, not that my cats aren’t above enjoying the destruction.  Damn cats.

And I’m lonely.  So entirely lonely.  I’m lucky if I manage to see or talk to one friend a week, and have often gone much longer than that without any significant interactions with friends.  And it is not for lack of trying on my part.  Although, I have recently decided that I’m done trying.  I’m not going to reach out to friends anymore–none of them–and maybe then I’ll feel better about being rejected.  Because I won’t be being actively rejected, just passively.  Which is always better, right?

God.  I just need to move and start over in a new area.  New friends.  New life.  New routines.  New, new, new!

I was thinking I’d try to go to church when I move.  Because I was feeling friendlier to communal faith again, but now I’m just not sure.  Maybe I should just give up and accept my fate as a lapsed Christian who lives a private faith.  I can get into heaven by the skin of my teeth, to quote whatever verse that is from whatever gospel it’s from.  If heaven even exists.  (That’s not anger speaking, that’s a true doubt.)

And my ex-work-crush (henceforth called “J”) is one of the kindest and caring guys I have met in a long time.  And I can’t help but think that if I had a good network of friends still, that I wouldn’t be so attracted to him.  Because I think one of the most attractive things about him is that he is kind and pays attention and enjoys my company.

So life is basically just discouraging at the moment, although I still have hope for the future.  if I can just find an apartment in a kind of bad part of town (i.e. where I can afford to live), then I’m set.  I just fear finding a place in my price range.

Damn you married folk who have two incomes. The only benefits I see to marriage are pragmatic.  Because I think I actually believe that the majority of people get married not because they don’t want to live without the specific person they married, but because they wanted to be married.  So they settled and compromised and got married to a person.  Not to any great love of their life, but to a warm body, essentially.

Perhaps I am just jaded.  J seems to think so.  But he has hope that eventually I’ll get better.