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I went for drinks with my old boss last night.  It was good to see her again.  One of the things she wanted to know is if I was still identifying as a woman, which I considered a fair question in light of some of our conversation.  I told her yes.  I don’t really see that changing, but I also hesitate at the term.  At the same time, this last year has already been so full of transitions and changes that I cannot even imagine adding investigating how I feel about gender.

I finally like what I see in the mirror, the whole package.  I like my clothes, I like my hair, I like how I look in/with them.  It’s so reassuring to look at myself and see a person I recognize.  That’s enough for now.  The questions may come later, and if they do, they will have to wait until things feel a bit more stable.

Now, for the continued hypothetical question of monogamy.  With as stressed as I get about merely setting up dates with multiple people during one week, I don’t think that I could realistically do non-monogamy (having already decided against polyamory).  I think I simply want a steady relationship.  And if it was going to be open in any way, I think it would have to be purely casual and obviously decided together.  But I’m not even convinced that I would want that, either.

I’m hoping this next chapter of life has good things for me.

It’s only Sunday, but I can tell you already that it’s been a big weekend for me.

I had my second session for my Hogwarts tattoo.  One more should do the trick.  I’ll try to post a picture later–it’s looking beautiful!

I started reading “Lost Boi” by Sassafras Lowrey.  I’m only a few chapters in, but it is amazing. Especially if you are a fan of the Peter Pan genre (I say it that way because while it is a book, a damn good one, there are multiple interpretations in movie/play/etc form), and are interested in queer interpretations of said genre.  I won’t go into all the ways that this gets me in the feels, but check it out for yourself.

I really want to give non-monogamy a shot.  I want to be that person who can actually do it.  But I have serious doubts because all I have to do is start talking to some woman that piques my interest in a real way, and suddenly my mind is tripping merrily down Monogamy Way.

On the other hand, if I’m just wired for monogamy, why try for non-monogamy?  Just because it’s a thing doesn’t mean I have to imbibe.  I think I’m okay with casual until I let my emotions get involved, then I can’t handle it.  So if it’s just a physical thing, then sure, why not.  But as soon as it starts feeling real, all bets are off.

On the other-other hand, I want to give kink a try, and I want the freedom to do so.  [This whole discussion is going to preclude me actually being in a relationship. I am merely speaking in hypotheticals at the moment.]

On the other-other-other hand (I have run out of hands), what if I started seeing someone who is involved in kink or wants to get involved in a similar way as myself?

Additional to that, the more I look into and learn about the kink community, I’m not sure I ever want to be part of the community itself.  I think I want to borrow ideas and play and incorporate them into my sex life without committing to any thing in any real way.  I think what I mean is that I like a lot of what kink has to offer, but only in certain amounts and ways.

I clearly do not do well with what-ifs.  I need concrete situations.

We interrupt your programming to bring you some very important news: As I was sitting at my computer, catching up on facebook and enjoying my first cup of coffee this morning, a dark object flew over my head (please don’t let it have been from my head) and landed on my laptop’s mouse pad.  AND THEN IT MOVED BECAUSE IT WAS A SPIDER.  Thank god it was a little one, but you guys, I almost died!

Now, back to regular programming.

Are any of you, readers o’ mine, into kink or the kink community?  I met with a friend of a friend last night who is, which was a big motivation for meeting them.  I have all these questions and thoughts and haven’t quite figured out how to make any moves into exploring kink.

They gave me a lot of good background info and things to consider–some I’d thought about, some I hadn’t.  I didn’t ask many questions, although they attempted to get me to do so, but it was a good introduction.  (Also, they personally know a few of my queer ‘celebrity’ crushes, swoon!)

I have this problem in my head, one I can probably blame on my very conservative upbringing, where I have a disconnect between kink and relationships.  As though I can only have vanilla sex in a relationship and kink outside of one.  I’m not sure how to reconcile the two or if they will naturally reconcile as time goes on.

I also do some thinking about poly relationships–to a much lesser degree, I suppose.  My friend B thinks it is the way of the future–shared resources and all that (I mean, look at things like car to go or shared housing or…).  She has a good point.  And I like the idea of not needing to put all my relationship needs on one person.  We have multiple friends, why not multiple lovers?  Anyway, not sure if I’ll ever go the poly route, but I am for sure giving it serious consideration as at least an intellectual exercise.

Thoughts?  Experiences?  Etc?

It’s been a long time since I felt challenged by anything, even in little ways.  I’m taking this Python course, and while most of it is fairly straightforward and simple, there are still challenges that I have to struggle through.  And while I hate it, I love it.

To clarify, I’m fairly certain I hate it because I might be a bit conceited when it comes to my intelligence and ability to learn.  I’m used to most things coming easily, especially if I want to learn them.  So to find that I have to try and put forth effort makes me feel insecure, makes me worry that perhaps I’m not smart enough for tech.  But at the same time, it presents a challenge to be overcome, and I love that.  I love knowing that I don’t have all the answers, that I will have to put extra time into something to understand it fully.  I get bored so easily that I need things that keep me stretching.


Putting the words “love life” in the title feels a little misleading, but since when have my titles been any good, anyway?

More specifically, I don’t have a love life. I do have a very active dating life.  (ha!)

I’ve been texting a woman this last week.  I’m meeting her tomorrow–we’re going to my favourite dive bar.  I think the atmosphere is perfect there.  It’s casual, it’s friendly, it’s divey.  We’ve been having some good texting rapport, but of course, that really means nothing in the end.  And, she’s rather new to the area, still pretty homesick, so my instant suspicion is that perhaps she is just lonely and cannot be trusted to be truly interested.  We’ll see how it goes.

Two nights ago I went out with a lady that very quickly became obvious she is too much my opposite.  Primarily, the financial decisions she makes horrifies me.  It goes beyond neutrally bad decisions (of which I make some myself) to harmfully bad (in my opinion).  For example, when you’re broke and very much in debt already, it seems a poor idea to go to Thailand on credit…  Anyway, she’s also one of those “free spirits” that sort of drive me nuts, to be honest.  PLUS, she’s a hardcore vegetarian, and I ordered a burger. hahahaha  I’m kind of a jerk.


And finally, my tattoo is healing nicely so far. It’s still a bit swollen, which I blame mostly on the heat and wearing long pants and shoes.  There may be no connection, but I think there is. :)

Well, off to the daily grind!

There’s just too much going on to handle anything.  I’d like to give zero fucks for the next several months.  Unfortunately, that is not likely to be possible.

And so, moving on…

I need to get serious about working out.  I don’t like how I feel, but it’s hard to feel motivated at 5:30am.  I also need to get serious about job hunting, but it’s hard to feel motivated at 6:30pm.  My teacher left me an audio comment on my last assignment that was next to worthless in terms of helpfulness.  Also, I had to listen to it, which was basically the worst.

Yes, that was just a big ol’ paragraph of complaining.

I wrote a three page letter to Men’s Wearhouse telling them how disappointed I am in their store.  I wonder if I’ll get a response.

Here’s a bit of good news.  My rent increase is less than I expected. I can’t help but wonder if it’s a mistake, but I’m not going to point it out because I have it on an official document.

I’m considering taking a hiatus from dating, only because I am surrounded by femmes and don’t care to date any of them.  Where are the butch ladies?  I mean, c’mon.  Or androgynous.  But here’s something to think about.  I went out last weekend with a trans boi.  We talked about labels, and he asked mine.  I said lesbian.  But then I also noted that I may be open to dating trans guys–I’m not really sure (that’s a whole other discussion).  I’d still call myself a lesbian.  Would that do them a disservice?  Does it matter what I label myself in regard to whom I might date?

These are things that are on my mind.

The open door experiment has reached its natural end.  I’m not going to say that I’d never try to open a door again, in different circumstances, but I’m still not sold on the idea.

This weekend, I have two dates set up.  One is a friend date (providing all goes well) and the other is a real one.  I’m actually trying to set up a third with someone I met months ago “in the wild,” as I like to refer to in real life, not online.

I would love to be able to simply reference the event where I met said woman, but I have a bad habit of being incredibly vague on here, so while I found a blog that I could tell was about this event, it holds absolutely zero details.

Somewhere around the end of March, I met a different woman online, one who was in a relationship, so this was just a friend thing.  Anyway, she invited me to a house party full of queers, which, oddly, I went to.  I didn’t know anyone there, but actually had a super time.  Incidentally, there was this one woman there that just captured my attention.  I’ve never really done anything about it, other than adding her on facebook.  But recently, I figured I may as well give it a go.  I’m not sure it has any chance of working out–I’m not even sure that I’ll actually see her again.  But… might as well give it a shot?

And for the record, 2-3 dates this weekend isn’t that much. I haven’t been on a date in weeks, so if you spread it out, then it’s really hardly any at all.

I want to be with someone who is excited to be with me.

I want to be with someone who will take care of me, just as much as I take care of them.  I don’t know how to let someone do that, but I want to learn.*

I want to be with someone who will cook food for me when I have nothing in me to cook for myself.

I want to be with someone who thinks my ridiculousness is endearing.

I want to be with someone who is all about the sex, because I am all about the sex.

I want to be with someone who is willing to throw caution to the wind and let the cards fall where they may.  (This might loop back to being excited to be with me.)

I want to figure it out as we go, without fear or worry.  I want to live and love and laugh together.

I believe this is possible. I just don’t exactly know how to find it.

*Side story: remember that work party I referenced going to with B back in January, I think?  I never said much about that weekend, only that I learned not to mix alcohol.  But here’s what happened.  I went to B’s work party, met her co-workers and bosses, bowled, had a great time.  Unfortunately, while I did not drink much, I did make the mistake (rookie move!) of having liquor, then beer, then liquor.  I had no idea what was coming.  Thankfully, B realized I was going to be sick and we made a quick getaway back to her place.  Let me remind you that at that time, I had only know her a few weeks, so this is extra embarrassing for me.  We barely made it to her place (in a taxi she paid for), well, we didn’t make it, since we stopped about a block early so I could begin my night of puking.  I spent that night crawling between her bed (she slept on an air mattress) and the toilet.  Then, the next day, I was still so sick that I sat still at her place until around 10 or 11am when I could actually walk upright and drive home.  She spent the night covering me with blankets, making sure I had water, even made me ginger tea and an egg (that I couldn’t eat) the next morning.  I think this event is how our friendship was sealed.  Anyway, the point of that whole story is that I cannot remember a time when I was so dependent on someone else.  It was hard and kind of horrible, to be honest.

The words I want to write are everywhere and nowhere. I am on my phone, in bed, and I should be asleep because I’m going hiking tomorrow.

But my mind is racing, and I can’t turn it off. I am not going to be ridiculous. I am not going to request affirmation when there is nothing to affirm. (Or maybe there is, but I can’t tell.)

This is all part of it, right?

I’m used to closing doors and never opening them again.  Not from hard or bad feelings, but just because when a door is closed, it’s closed.   I don’t do well with ambiguity, so I don’t like to have nebulous options.  I like everything as defined as possible.  And once something has a definition, it’s hard to change it.

That said, I’m opening a door that I thought was closed.  More accurately, I didn’t open the door, but I did let it be opened, and I am seeing what’s on the other side.  It’s a weird feeling.  What convinced me to let it open again was a friend reminding me that this year has been full of new things, and why not let this be one of them?  [Side Note: Did I mention that I’ve been out for a little more than a year?  And what a year it’s been…]

I don’t like the unsurety I feel, but I never like unsurety, and life is full of it.  How does one become sure of another person?  Better put, how does one know when it’s the appropriate time to be sure of another person?  Timing is everything.  Until you are sure, you should be cautious.  I am not good at being cautious, as I’ve learned.  I’m good at jumping in feet first, at least emotionally.  But if I learned anything from my experience with LM, I learned it’s a bad idea to jump alone. [Insert rueful smile here.]

Somehow, maybe, I will learn to be cool as a cucumber.