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This year for Pride, my two oldest nieces wanted to come with me to the parade, so I had them spend the night on Saturday.  I’m glad I had them, because if I want allies in my family, I probably have to grow them myself.  But…

On Saturday, I went to the street fair and met up with a few friends.  It was a lot of fun, but I had to leave so early that I barely got to do any day drinking or actual celebrating.  Then I drove up to get the kids, and we watched a movie and just relaxed.

Sunday was the parade.  The kids (age 14 and 12) seemed to enjoy themselves, but definitely hit their limit a bit earlier than I would have.  One of my friends was part of the dykes on bikes this year, so I saw him pre-parade. [Side note: this friend was actually the first woman I slept with (or so I thought, ha), but has since come out as a trans man.  I am still confused about how to talk about him in the past tense.  Any advice?  Should I just google it?]

At the post parade festivities, I found another of my friends (that I’d also seen during the parade), but couldn’t find the third friend I was looking for.  However, on the walk back to the bus, guess who I did see?  LM.  I kept walking.  But apparently she hasn’t left for the Marines quite yet.

When we got home, my parents and sister came over for birthday celebration things.  (Today is my birthday.  34 years old. Man.)  It was nice to have them here–things do feel better, more open (despite their continued dislike of me being gay, but they’re trying…), but I was really happy when everyone left.  It was great to have the apartment to myself again.  Kids move a lot.  And make a lot of noise.

I’m glad I brought the kids, but next year, I’m flying solo, or at least childless.  There was all sort of debauchery that I could not partake in because I had to be responsible for two minors.  I should note that most of the debauchery I am imagining has to do with alcohol and eye candy, so don’t get all excited, thinking I’m cooler than I am.

Anyway, I took today off work for my birthday.  But I’m probably spending the day doing homework because my assignment is due today, and I haven’t started it yet.  Oops.  On the other hand, I have a feeling it won’t take long, so perhaps it will just be this morning, and then onto fun?

June is a great month.

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I don’t spend too much time talking about things that bum me on on here (at least not lately), mostly because I don’t like to see them written out, but also because lately I can’t remain focused on the sad for long.  There’s too much good to explore and feel.

However, one point of constant hurt is my family.  I don’t like to complain because I feel like I’m pretty lucky in that regard.  They haven’t disowned me or been terrible about me being gay.  Things could be so much worse.  But…

My brother called today.  Granted, he has a lot of shit going on in his own life with his soon to be ex-wife.  That is its own source of sadness and hurt, and plenty of it.  But near the end of the conversation, I made the mistake of asking if the parents had said anything recently about my gayness.

Mom is in denial, as I suspected.  She seems to think that this is a phase, and I’ll go back to dating men at some point; that I’ll realize this was all a mistake and things will be back to normal.  Dad just doesn’t like to think about it, really.  He has a hard time talking about it, using the words to say what I am.  But he also seems to think it’s his fault somehow.  And my brother, the brother I have always adored and looked up to, also isn’t a fan–which I had suspected, but am apparently masochistic enough to ask for clarification.  I didn’t need an update on my sister–I already know that she thinks it’s bad, but, of course, like with all of them, still want me in her life.

The problem is it’s not the same as it was before I came out.  I was never close with them, but this is worse.  And the words they use…  Being gay is compared to mistakes, bad choices, sin, addiction, being a bad person, etc, etc, etc.  (This, oddly, in my defense when my brother allegedly was trying to explain to my dad how he can still have me in his life–there are people you are friends with, but don’t like all their life choices…)

It makes me feel physically ill.

My mom wants me to come over for Easter next week.  I can’t do it.  But I feel guilty about not going.  It’s so fucked up.  Part of my problem is that I do, for some reason, want them to stay in my life.  So then I feel a responsibility to make them see how happy I am now, how good it is, how right it is.  But they’re never going to see that, and it’s only hurting me.  Still, I can’t completely cut them out.  I just can’t.  I just need them in small doses, infrequently…

Fuck.

What is it about holidays that is designed to make you feel terrible?

Ugh.  If I could boycott every one of them, I would.  But I can’t.  And so, like a sucker, I fool myself into thinking that this year will be different, this holiday will be better.  It almost never is.  (On rare occasion, I get a good holiday, which only serves to give me false hope.)  Not that this one was the worst I’ve had–not by a long shot.

I had a mini pity party for myself tonight.  I cried on the way home and while washing the dishes I’d left myself this morning. And then I decided to buck up, put on some of my favourite music, and make a trial batch of fudge from a new-to-me recipe I’d found.  (It’s supposed to be older and more authentic: no marshmallows in this one!  Right now, it’s cooling so that I can add the final ingredients.)

But, anyway, I think I am just really feeling the loneliness of my self-chosen life.  And feeling the lack of being anyone’s favourite.  I know that one is silly, but I’ve never been anyone’s actual favourite person, and I can’t help but still want it.  It’s so stupid.  I’m 32: I should totally be over that.

Pathetic.

A few points of interest (at least, to myself):

1. In the past two months, I’ve somehow gained 10 pounds.  Okay, it’s not such a mystery: the weather turned colder and wetter, the baked goods increased… What do you expect?  Regardless, I’m back on livestrong and am going to work it right back off.  Sigh.  Of course, instead of working out this morning, I made a german pancake for breakfast (ha), but I’m determined to take a lunch walk today.  Determined! (Especially because I have this great pair of navy slim fit pants and an awesome shirt that will only fit in 10 pounds less.)

2. I’m trying to decide which group to join at church.  They only go every quarter or so (which, I kind of think is a weird way to do groups, but c’est la vie), so it’s not a huge commitment…  There are really only two to choose from.  One is the truth project from Focus on the Family.  Now, I’m not such a huge fan of FF, and I fear the class would be like first year bible college, and at some point I’d accidentally let it out that I’ve also been to seminary, and then it’d be ruined.  Plus, it’s hard to be quiet in those groups when you have so many things you want to add…  Okay, the other group is the FPU Dave Ramsey cult-class.  But the leaders are the main pastor and his wife, both of whom I think are fantastic.  I refuse to pay $100+ for a class I don’t need (and one that teaches me to not spend money), but maybe if I just purchased whatever book it uses?

Anyway, all the other groups are for specific folks, like women or men or mothers or newly marrieds or…  I laughed when I saw the group offerings, because they were almost exactly what I predicted, except for the truth project.

3. This phase of wanting children isn’t going away.  I think I mentioned it somewhere on here.  Am I merely being beaten down by social norms?  I still don’t think having my own flesh & blood children would be a good idea, and I still advocate for adoption, but there is something very compelling about the whole idea.  At least it’s not such a big problem since I am single.  I suppose this would be much more difficult if I ever managed to have an actual, serious relationship with someone.

I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to admit I want a family.  I used to be open about that, but then in my mid-late twenties, I changed my mind, or my tune, or something, and since then…  Well, as I often say to friends, it’s easier to say you don’t want something if you can’t have it anyway.  I mean, who wants to be the single woman in her 30’s that everyone knows wants to be married and have children, but is always single?  Then they just start feeling bad for you, or worse, try setting you up on blind dates.  I would much rather be happy I’m single and enjoy the aspects of my current life than to be constantly wishing for what I don’t have.  (But that seems to be a good strategy in general, if you ask me.)

I still maintain that it would be easier to be single if I had more friends.  OR, the other strategy is to start dating someone and then steal their friends.  Two birds with one stone.  Right??

I did like a million things today.  And it feels great.

The cushions for the rocking chair are finally finished–they look quite nice, if I do say so myself.  Plus it’s super comfy.

I made dinner rolls, then froze them for later.  But I ate two just to make sure they were delicious.  They were.

I made an apple pie for tomorrow (my grandma, parents, and sister are coming over).  I also froze up three mini apple pie fillings for later this season.  Plus, with leftover dough, I made an apple pie pocket: it was also delicious.

Not to mention going to the grocery, doing laundry, and spending time with a friend (while multi-tasking, I admit–although we did go to the book store).

My friend and I are planning to do our own pirated version of NaNoWriMo.  We’re going to start Oct 10 and finish Nov 11 (10/10 to 11/11), and thus miss the holidays.  Plus, we’re changing other rules: we merely have to write 50,000 words.  It can be on existing stories.  Our point is that we both have starts to stories, but not much follow through.  The hope is to really get some stuff done.

Now I’m staying up late, watching a movie, waiting for my pie to cool.

Life is good on the weekends.

if you can believe it, I am almost all the way settled in.  I only have four boxes of DVDs to unpack, and two bins of stuffies.  (Yes, two.  How did I ever managed to collect so many stuffed toys?)  The DVDs have to wait until I get a bookcase that can support the clock my dad made me.  The stuffies will go on top of the other two bookcases after I get proper shims under them (cheap Target bookcases).

And in 3-5 weeks, the couch I ordered will be here.  I didn’t get a sleeper sofa after all because they sucked.  So I searched around and finally found a place that had just what I wanted.  And it’s a delightful green, very bright and beautiful.  The color will go great with my accent pillows.

I haven’t really had time to simply enjoy my new place–I’ve been busy almost all the time unpacking and cleaning up after unpacking.  But I like it so far.

I’m meeting a guy from okcupid for coffee this morning.  I had been talking to three over the last couple of months, but decided not to meet the other two.  This one is very practical about things, however; which I like.

My family is coming today to help me finish up a few things and to see the place unpacked.  Plus since tomorrow is my sister’s birthday, I decided to celebrate it early (since I won’t go up tomorrow for her actual day).  I made chocolate chip cookie cupcakes (no actual cookies were used; it’s just supposed to taste reminiscent of a cookie).  I also wrapped her present. (Go me, having wrapping paper.)

It should be a good day over all.

I had one of those weeks… where you’re just angry… and it’s so frustrating.

I think a lot of it is that my folks have been gone on vacation, and I’ve had to do all those extra things that they normally do.  The biggest time sucker being that my sister doesn’t clean up after herself.  So I get home and there is a sink full of dishes.  And I wake up and there are more dishes.  And it’s not my mess.  She doesn’t contribute.  These are things that make me feel utter fear at the idea of ever being married.  Because thinking of the stereotypical guy, combined with societal gender expectations, who do you think the cleaning would fall to, regardless of work situations?  Me, the woman.  Screw that.

Anyway, it made me irrationally angry at times.  Or I’m just angry.  I’m not sure.  I think I broke one of our vacuums last night (unintentionally).  I’m not sure if it’s all the way broken or it just needs a little TLC.  But I was in no mood for it.

And the cats have ripped three holes in the bottom of my box springs and have enjoyed frolicking inside it.  Last night a friend suggested pinning a sheet on the bottom of it, so I am trying that, and I hope it is successful.  It’s so irritating that they’re ruining my stuff.  And in particular, I’m fairly certain it was my sister’s cat who created the holes, not that my cats aren’t above enjoying the destruction.  Damn cats.

And I’m lonely.  So entirely lonely.  I’m lucky if I manage to see or talk to one friend a week, and have often gone much longer than that without any significant interactions with friends.  And it is not for lack of trying on my part.  Although, I have recently decided that I’m done trying.  I’m not going to reach out to friends anymore–none of them–and maybe then I’ll feel better about being rejected.  Because I won’t be being actively rejected, just passively.  Which is always better, right?

God.  I just need to move and start over in a new area.  New friends.  New life.  New routines.  New, new, new!

I was thinking I’d try to go to church when I move.  Because I was feeling friendlier to communal faith again, but now I’m just not sure.  Maybe I should just give up and accept my fate as a lapsed Christian who lives a private faith.  I can get into heaven by the skin of my teeth, to quote whatever verse that is from whatever gospel it’s from.  If heaven even exists.  (That’s not anger speaking, that’s a true doubt.)

And my ex-work-crush (henceforth called “J”) is one of the kindest and caring guys I have met in a long time.  And I can’t help but think that if I had a good network of friends still, that I wouldn’t be so attracted to him.  Because I think one of the most attractive things about him is that he is kind and pays attention and enjoys my company.

So life is basically just discouraging at the moment, although I still have hope for the future.  if I can just find an apartment in a kind of bad part of town (i.e. where I can afford to live), then I’m set.  I just fear finding a place in my price range.

Damn you married folk who have two incomes. The only benefits I see to marriage are pragmatic.  Because I think I actually believe that the majority of people get married not because they don’t want to live without the specific person they married, but because they wanted to be married.  So they settled and compromised and got married to a person.  Not to any great love of their life, but to a warm body, essentially.

Perhaps I am just jaded.  J seems to think so.  But he has hope that eventually I’ll get better.

One of the struggles I have with living at home with my family again (other than the ones you expect) is that I am environmentally conscious and my family, most definitely, is not.

This comes out in a variety of ways, such as refusing to compost, using too many plastic bags, and the family using paper plates/bowls, when we have real plates/bowls that can be washed and re-used.  Convenience reigns supreme for my family, and I just want us to be a little more aware of our impact on the earth.  However, any attempt at this is met with extreme resistance.

Why is this?  It’s the same resistance that meets my attempts at healthy eating in this house.

I’ve never fit in well with my family, and the older I get, the truer this becomes.  Let us all hope I can find a real job quickly.

My kitten is a happy, ninja kitten.  She’s even taken to mothering my sister’s kitten (when she’s not in play/attack mode).  They’re only a week apart, but  my sister’s kitten, Ivy, is the runt of her litter, plus was neglected, so she’s a bit behind in kitty things.  Shelby’s been a great mentor.  (So proud.)

I’ve managed to begin writing my thesis.  I have the introduction written, plus the introduction to the first chapter.  Of course, I’m sadly behind on my proposed schedule already, and must make up for it this weekend by writing like a fiend.  I can do it!  I hope.

Grandma’s here for the weekend.  It’s nice seeing her.  But it is one more distraction from the axe hanging over my head (i.e. my thesis).

Onward ho!

Yesterday’s post was… poorly written.  I was trying for something, but didn’t achieve it and posted anyway.

I’m still moving forward with my South America idea.  I’ve decided I’m moving home at the end of July/beginning of August.  This is so I can save money and still afford to finish my degree, plus afford a plane ticket and the program fees.  I’m hoping I’ll be able to find a job even though I’m obviously over-qualified for the jobs I plan on applying for.

I also have a friend who is considering coming with me.  I am doing my best to give her the information she would need to make a decision, but to not push her.  In reality, I just want to force her to come.  She’s one of my favourite people, and I know I could live with her.  And we’d be the people who would buy food together and eat our meals together, like a real family.  However, I am not going to make my decision based on her decision.  Even if I’d like to.

The other reason I’m moving home is so that if I truly do jump on a plane to South America, I’ll have time to spend with family and friends.  My close friends are still all where I used to live.  They’re still the ones I miss and wish I was with.  Plus my nieces are there.

Now all I have to do is finish my thesis.  Did I mention I finally have an adviser?  My dean offered to advise my paper–he’s pretty excited about it, which makes me excited.

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