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Today I met with a classmate to work through our assignment.  We both were stuck on a very similar spot in our code, although it turned out we had very different problems.  But I figured us both out, so I’m feeling pretty good.  And my code works!  What a good feeling.

Plus a girl at Starbucks gave me her number.  I’m not sure if she was flirting, but this is still the first time a woman gave me her number in the wild, and I didn’t even have to ask for it.  At this moment, I have no intention of texting, but we’ll see if she does (I gave her mine in return).  She’s super cute, but not my type (if she is even queer at all).

I want to have all the sex, but I suppose I’m in no hurry.  (That’s not entirely true.)  I have found that what is true is that I am willing to hop into bed with someone pretty much immediately if I think they are attractive and they are open to it.  Unfortunately, I need to work on finding more folk who feel the same.  I keep going out with people who aren’t wanting to do the casual sex thing at all, and I think I kind of do, as it turns out.

That’s it for today. I have to get shit done.

There’s a super cute barista at my Starbucks… Not sure how to flirt with her without being a creep, so instead I just look awkwardly at her every time I go in (for the last several months, in fact).  I posted about this on facebook, and a friend had the following absolutely brilliant comment:

As long as you don’t order a venti sized date to go with a phone number on top, you should be alright…

Except that, I really want to use that exact line for a pick-up now…

Ha!

I was talking with a friend today about all the dates I’ve been going on, plus all the ones I want to line up.  And she made a comment about me settling down…  To which I expressed a distinct lack of desire.  (I should preface this with the fact that the women I fall for have all been emotionally unavailable so far, and why settle for a woman you haven’t fallen for?)

I feel like a squirrel with ADD.  I get excited about a woman, but then another ones shows up, and I get excited about her.  And most of the time, the first one is forgotten.  And so on.

It’s not that I don’t want a relationship.  I do.  I really do.  But I don’t want to jump into one before I’m sure of it.  And if I’m not excited about someone, I really don’t want to jump into a relationship with them.  And if they can’t hold my attention for longer than a date, then, obviously that’s not going to work.

And dating women and flirting with them and meeting them and checking them out… it’s still the best fucking thing ever.  I don’t want to turn into a stereotypical douchy guy, but I also don’t feel the need to start uhauling anytime soon.

I really just want to enjoy this time of my life.

I think I’m getting better at this flirting thing.  Or maybe I just think I am.  Just messaged a woman I’ve been talking with online–she asked if there was anything I was looking forward to this week, and had asked if I wanted to meet.  (So, okay, this is not as bold as it could have been. But still playful, right?!)  So I said something to the effect of “I’m hoping to meet this cute woman I’ve been chatting with on here. Speaking of which, I’d love to meet.”  I was going to ask her to meet, but she beat me to it.  By one message.

I’ve been watching more queer shows/movies and reading more queer literature.  It makes my heart so fucking happy.  Last night I watched Tomboy, and tonight I watched Itty Bitty Titty Committee (which really isn’t anything it sounds like from the name).  I’m currently reading The Essential Dykes to Watch Out For (comics), and have Rubyfruit Jungle on standby.  I’m starting to research the Riot Grrrl bands I missed out on in the 90’s.  God, it’s all so good.

You guys… I bought another pair of skinny jeans (same cut as the others, but in black).  What is happening to me?!

And I also found the door to the exercise room, so with any luck I’ll be using it on the regular.

Now, for all the really important stuff.

I totally sent this completely humiliating facebook message to a woman I went to high school with.  I’m fairly certain we weren’t friends (I say it like that because my memory is quite foggy of those awful years), and I have a feeling she probably didn’t know who I am or won’t remember me (she was a cool kid; I was a nerd).  But she was cute then, I just looked her up last night, and she’s super hot now.  Like, oh my god.  So, I may or may not have had a few glasses of wine yesterday and while the effects were mostly gone but lingering, I sent this woman a message basically saying all that.  I don’t even know if she’s gay or single or anything.  Last night it seemed brilliant.  This morning, not quite as much.

Regardless, I love every aspect of being out.  I love being allowed to check out women, to flirt with them.  I love feeling like the world of dating is open and wonderful.  I love that I’m feeling things I didn’t know you could feel.  It’s the things you heard you should have felt when you first went through adolescence, but I never did–I blamed it on being a late bloomer.  And you know, 20 years later, I’m finally catching up.  (ha.ha.)

Of course, my family is still in denial.  Hanging out with them is hard, not because they are being terrible, but because there is an unspoken rule to not bring it up, and right now, my life is largely dominated by my exploration of the queer world.  So I don’t know what to say to them or to tell them.  I don’t want to shove it in their faces, to make them come to terms with it on my terms.  But I do worry about how it will go when I finally bring a girlfriend over for them to meet.  I actually dread that moment. (Not that I will let that worry ruin my fun now!)

I’m allowing myself to be fully comfortable in my own skin.  I’m learning what that looks like for me.  Even clothing choices–I’m slowly seeking out clothes that only make me feel kick-ass, and getting rid of the ones that just don’t.  I’m experimenting with new styles (skinny jeans? boots?) and figuring out if they’re for me.  It’s empowering.

I’m going on dates and enjoying them. (I can hardly get over how wonderful that is.)  I’m meeting new friends.  I’m finding a place to belong.

It’s great.

1. I love cleaning out my email box. Even if I’m just deleting emails and shunting others to their respective folders, it makes me feel better about life.

2. I miss Twitter. I miss telling the world what I’m doing at all times.  I don’t think the world misses this.

3. I have no idea how to properly flirt with a man.

4. I don’t make mistakes so much as I plan out my own potentially bad choices.

5. Last month, I somehow only took photos of different food items I’d made.

6. I still have a thing for musicians.  And dancers.  But in slightly different ways, although it feels connected.

7. Once I get cold, it’s incredibly hard for me to warm up. It’s as if my body is incapable of generating its own body heat.

8. I was told tonight that I have the capability to “shrivel men’s balls.”  I’m not sure that’s a good thing.

9. My favourite beer is still hefeweizen, no matter how many others I’ve tried.

10. I think next year for Lent I am going to give up giving things up. Just a thought.

Today I realized that just because the boys at seminary don’t want to flirt with me (or date me), doesn’t mean that it’s me.  I mean, to be fair, it could be me.  But it could, just as much, if not more, be them.

Example: I was at the dealership today, getting a car from Enterprise (whilst my “new” car gets a few things fixed. Did I tell you yet that I got a car this weekend?).  The guy, who looked to be around my age, was definitely flirting with me.  The problem?  I hadn’t had any coffee yet, and so was incapable of doing much more than smiling.  I think I would have flirted back, though, had there been any caffeine in my system at all.

So, out in the real world, men flirt with me all the time.  And before I came to seminary, I used to get asked out.  (Granted, I generally didn’t recognize that they were asking me out, so I’d go out with them only to find I was on a date, when I thought we were just hanging out.)  And I used to go on tons of non-date-dates with my guy friends.

So maybe there is hope for life after seminary, where men know how to be men and ask a woman out.   Which is too bad that I’ll have to wait that long, because there are several quality guys here, to be quite honest.