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Only a few more days until I leave for my best friend’s wedding.  You’d think I’d be getting more done in preparation, but I apparently believe the next two evenings will be sufficient. Ha.  All I need to do, really, is ironing, packing, cleaning.  Um, yeah.  My friends who are driving up with me will be getting here Tuesday evening.  Tomorrow evening I’m supposed to finish my homework assignment for the next week (or, at least, get a good start on it).

Well.  It’ll all get done.  In the meantime, I’m having a beer and watching lame-ass movies.

Speaking of not lame-as movies, I just watched 52 Tuesdays on Netflix.  If you haven’t seen it, watch it.  It was thought provoking, and I thought well done.

I’ve been coming across the term ‘boi’ more and more, and I’m beginning to think it may be a fit for me.  I’m still not sure I’ll adopt it, but I’m going to spend some time trying it on, tasting it, seeing how it feels.

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Things are slowly picking up at work. Perhaps I can stay until I’m qualified to find a job in coding (by qualified, I mean kickass enough).

Speaking of coding, I’m looking forward to doing homework this week, if only because I will have a homework buddy to slog through it with me.  Plus, my teacher gave me the rest of the assignments ahead of time (as requested), so I can attempt to finish the coursework before my best friend’s wedding.

Oh! I was accepted into the certificate program, starting in January.  So that’s a go.

In other news, gay news, not gay news, my gay life news, that is… (Worst sentence ever, and I’m keeping it.)  I am so over conservative, Christian friends who can’t get over the fact that I’m gay and just accept it as a good thing.  Fuck them.  They can just take a walk and leave me out of it.  I’m not interested in being their token gay friend. I’m not interested in them working out their issues about homosexuality with me as their guinea pig.  And it always feels harsh when I communicate this to them (in gentler words, honest), but I have a duty to myself first.  Plus, I can’t kick out my family, and I already have to deal with their struggles about my gayness, so…  Ugh.

Moving on. Today is a busy day.  Actually, this whole month is busy what with homework and the wedding and all.  Not to mention I’m still trying to squeeze in dates where I can.  September will be a better month.

And the girl who gave me her number last week?  She’s involved in a pyramid scheme. Fairly certain she was trying to groom me to join. Strike one, two, and three.

The open door experiment has reached its natural end.  I’m not going to say that I’d never try to open a door again, in different circumstances, but I’m still not sold on the idea.

This weekend, I have two dates set up.  One is a friend date (providing all goes well) and the other is a real one.  I’m actually trying to set up a third with someone I met months ago “in the wild,” as I like to refer to in real life, not online.

I would love to be able to simply reference the event where I met said woman, but I have a bad habit of being incredibly vague on here, so while I found a blog that I could tell was about this event, it holds absolutely zero details.

Somewhere around the end of March, I met a different woman online, one who was in a relationship, so this was just a friend thing.  Anyway, she invited me to a house party full of queers, which, oddly, I went to.  I didn’t know anyone there, but actually had a super time.  Incidentally, there was this one woman there that just captured my attention.  I’ve never really done anything about it, other than adding her on facebook.  But recently, I figured I may as well give it a go.  I’m not sure it has any chance of working out–I’m not even sure that I’ll actually see her again.  But… might as well give it a shot?

And for the record, 2-3 dates this weekend isn’t that much. I haven’t been on a date in weeks, so if you spread it out, then it’s really hardly any at all.

This year for Pride, my two oldest nieces wanted to come with me to the parade, so I had them spend the night on Saturday.  I’m glad I had them, because if I want allies in my family, I probably have to grow them myself.  But…

On Saturday, I went to the street fair and met up with a few friends.  It was a lot of fun, but I had to leave so early that I barely got to do any day drinking or actual celebrating.  Then I drove up to get the kids, and we watched a movie and just relaxed.

Sunday was the parade.  The kids (age 14 and 12) seemed to enjoy themselves, but definitely hit their limit a bit earlier than I would have.  One of my friends was part of the dykes on bikes this year, so I saw him pre-parade. [Side note: this friend was actually the first woman I slept with (or so I thought, ha), but has since come out as a trans man.  I am still confused about how to talk about him in the past tense.  Any advice?  Should I just google it?]

At the post parade festivities, I found another of my friends (that I’d also seen during the parade), but couldn’t find the third friend I was looking for.  However, on the walk back to the bus, guess who I did see?  LM.  I kept walking.  But apparently she hasn’t left for the Marines quite yet.

When we got home, my parents and sister came over for birthday celebration things.  (Today is my birthday.  34 years old. Man.)  It was nice to have them here–things do feel better, more open (despite their continued dislike of me being gay, but they’re trying…), but I was really happy when everyone left.  It was great to have the apartment to myself again.  Kids move a lot.  And make a lot of noise.

I’m glad I brought the kids, but next year, I’m flying solo, or at least childless.  There was all sort of debauchery that I could not partake in because I had to be responsible for two minors.  I should note that most of the debauchery I am imagining has to do with alcohol and eye candy, so don’t get all excited, thinking I’m cooler than I am.

Anyway, I took today off work for my birthday.  But I’m probably spending the day doing homework because my assignment is due today, and I haven’t started it yet.  Oops.  On the other hand, I have a feeling it won’t take long, so perhaps it will just be this morning, and then onto fun?

June is a great month.

Another day, another dollar.

I’m officially not seeing LM anymore.  The details really aren’t important; I’m sure what you know of the situation is enough to put the pieces together on what was a doomed situation.  But I have two first dates lined up for this week, so I feel like I’m doing pretty good.

Like B has told me, this was just another experience most people have in their teens that now I can cross off my list.  And another of my friends assures me that almost no one has successful anything in their first year of dating.  (It is weird to think of this as my first year of dating, but it really is.  All the other years trying to date men just don’t count.)

I’ve been doing more thinking about labels.  And I’m not quite sure I fit the butch label entirely–or maybe I do, but with caveats?  I think the biggest thing I balk at is the often heteronormative expectations that people assign to being butch.  I have no interest in adopting chauvinistic or traditionally masculine values.  I am going to dress and present in the manner I feel most comfortable, but I’m not going to alter my behavior to fit anyone’s ideas of who I am.

In other news, I am dreading work today because I have nothing to do.  That is a rotten feeling.  I sincerely hope it starts picking up soon.

I know I’ve said this before, but this last year has been nothing but changes.  The problem is that I think they’re really starting to catch up with me.  And for someone who doesn’t like change, it’s been hard to have nothing feel steady.

I continue to question if my job was the right choice.  I think it will be, but it is making me feel awful in the meantime.  I don’t do well with downtime, and my trainer is terrible at training.  She is just not a teacher, as much as she may know her stuff.  So I’m feeling insecure on a regular basis from that.

And now I’m looking my move date in the face.  Mid-July is coming quickly, and I need to really think about finding a new apartment.  I want to move; I got a new job so that I could move, but good gracious, I do not like moving. Plus the housing market here is incredibly daunting, so that does not help.

I’m tired, sick and tired, of hearing about the bathroom controversy from stupid straight people.  I’m also tired of being the token gay friend and having to hear about it every time I talk to whomever it is that has assigned me that position in their life. (Not sure I can afford to cut any more friends at this point, though; plus they have no idea what they’re doing.)

Not to mention that I’m insecure about LM.  Not about wanting to see her, but about if she truly wants to see me.  I am glad we’re not starting anything before she leaves because that would be 300% too much pressure.  It’s much better to just let it be what it is, to see if it goes anywhere, than to try to force it.

And this weekend I am booked, again.  It is only things and people I want to see, but I’m feeling so overwhelmed at the moment that the only thing I want to do is curl up on my couch and be alone.  Maybe today will go well, and I will feel better by tomorrow.

A few things to note.

I’ve noticed that ever since I started wearing men’s clothing, I feel more feminine than I ever did wearing women’s clothing, including dresses.  I don’t know if it’s that I’m finally comfortable and can feel like myself, or if it’s that the physical hallmarks of femininity feel more pronounced in typical men’s clothes.  Or something else entirely.  But it’s yet another thing that has taken me by surprise.

I think I’ve decided to take a break from dating, or at least, from putting effort into dating.  I’ve left my profiles up, so anyone is welcome to contact me.  But I’m not going to try to set up dates for awhile.  Don’t get me wrong; I haven’t all of a sudden decided that I don’t like dating women (is that even possible?!).  But with the new job, old friends, and new friends, I am tired.  I just don’t have the energy to keep meeting new people right now, especially when so many of them have been exhibiting a distinct lack of chemistry.  (Oh, lands, the date I went on last weekend… Ugh!  So much potential, yet so little fulfillment.)

Plus, I have other motives for not wanting to date right now, but none of them are motives I should allow to exist.  I feel like I’m playing with fire, knowingly, yet slightly beyond my control to step back.

I’m feeling nostalgic tonight for things I’ve never yet had.

Remember the one I mentioned that brought me cold brew coffee in case we couldn’t find any hot coffee the morning of our adventure? Last night we went to an event together, and when I got there, I was hungry, but they didn’t serve food.  Knowing the area better, she went out into the rainy weather, despite not being very hungry herself, to get us something to eat, while I saved our seats inside. I didn’t even ask; she offered.

Seriously, this woman clearly knows the way to my heart.

I may have lost a lot of “friends” when I came out, but the new ones I’m making are great.

Tomorrow is my last day at my current work place.  I have so many mixed feelings!

I’ve been there almost three years, in two different roles.  I’ve gotten to know a ton of people and made some good friends.  I came out while there and really let myself become more of myself, with co-workers as my audience.

I’m going to miss a lot of people, and I will miss the comfort of the familiar.  But I’m ready for new challenges.

I’m not a fan of change, and all I’ve been doing this past year is change.  I don’t like saying goodbye, and that’s all I’ve been doing this week.  One by one, person by person, those who will miss me have been saying goodbye.  Tomorrow will be the last of them.

The hard part is that, as with any separation, you drift and forget and time makes you move on.  So you know that those who miss you today will be over you tomorrow, and quite likely the same is for yourself.

As one of my pastors said once, back when I used to do the church thing, “Growth never happens without change; change never happens without loss; loss never happens without pain.” -NP

So I’m excited for a new beginning, but I’m sad to see this one ending.

  1. I have been a Compassion Sponsor for many years now, on my third child. But I no longer subscribe to Christianity, plus the organization doesn’t approve of me as a gay person (to put it baldly and honestly). I want to cancel, but does that make me a horrible person, since the kid herself has nothing to do with any of that?
  2. How much money can I spend on boxer briefs before it becomes ridiculous?
  3. How does short term dating work?  I’m not ready for a long term anything.  I understand going on a couple dates then calling it quits, but does intentionally dating someone short term mean you’re an asshole?  (Short term = a couple/few months tops?)  Not to say I’m in that position yet, but I have to figure it out before I am. [Side note: B told me that I’ll know I’m ready for a long-term relationship when I’m tired of dating. She said as long as I’m really enjoying just the plain idea of going on dates with all the women, I’m not ready to settle down into anything. I think she is right.]
  4. It’s possible to make friends with other single lesbians and just be friends, right?  Because I’m banking on that being true.  I can’t see why not…
  5. I need a physical activity to get into, like a sport but not a sport because I’m not a sports kind of gal. Not running, so don’t get all excited.  I’m thinking of buying a bike.  Is a bike a good idea?  What is the likelihood of getting run down by a maniac in a car?