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In theory, I’m job hunting again.  I have very little desire to job hunt, but I also have very little desire to stay at my current job, doing nothing.  My attitude is failing; I dread going to work each day.  I could literally go to work one day a week and get everything done.

So, it’s time to look for a job.  It’s the worst, but I can’t see any way around it.  I figure that I will either get a new job or they’ll start giving me work at my current job.  But things have to change.  They just have to.

But why can’t there just be a time when things start going smoothly?  I’d really rather not look for a job until I’m ready to start looking for a job in tech, which will be at least a year from now.

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There’s just too much going on to handle anything.  I’d like to give zero fucks for the next several months.  Unfortunately, that is not likely to be possible.

And so, moving on…

I need to get serious about working out.  I don’t like how I feel, but it’s hard to feel motivated at 5:30am.  I also need to get serious about job hunting, but it’s hard to feel motivated at 6:30pm.  My teacher left me an audio comment on my last assignment that was next to worthless in terms of helpfulness.  Also, I had to listen to it, which was basically the worst.

Yes, that was just a big ol’ paragraph of complaining.

I wrote a three page letter to Men’s Wearhouse telling them how disappointed I am in their store.  I wonder if I’ll get a response.

Here’s a bit of good news.  My rent increase is less than I expected. I can’t help but wonder if it’s a mistake, but I’m not going to point it out because I have it on an official document.

I’m considering taking a hiatus from dating, only because I am surrounded by femmes and don’t care to date any of them.  Where are the butch ladies?  I mean, c’mon.  Or androgynous.  But here’s something to think about.  I went out last weekend with a trans boi.  We talked about labels, and he asked mine.  I said lesbian.  But then I also noted that I may be open to dating trans guys–I’m not really sure (that’s a whole other discussion).  I’d still call myself a lesbian.  Would that do them a disservice?  Does it matter what I label myself in regard to whom I might date?

These are things that are on my mind.

My cats are whiners.

There are too many thoughts sometimes.

And why are other people so awful so often?

I want to cloister myself away and only surround myself with those who are dear to me.

I constantly feel as though I say or do the wrong thing, usually with good intentions.  I always feel as though I should be over that by now–either the doing so or the feeling so.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever leave my organization, or if I’ll just keep answering phones for the rest of my life.  I mean, what if that’s all I am actually capable of doing?  Sure, I can aspire to maybe an office manager someday, elsewhere, but could I move out of this context?  Where I am, it is doubtful if something will open up–although not impossible.  But how long should I wait?  Should I?  On the other hand, it is not as if there are other opportunities just waiting to snatch me up.  And I like where I am…  Sigh.

I want a shinier version of my life.  I want to be energetic, friendly, outgoing, fun.  I want to not be afraid of making new friends, meeting new people.  But these things are not who I am.  Maybe I should just want to be me and be content with that.  I’m going to blame December for my present gloominess.

Unrequited love is an interesting thing, isn’t it?  I think I like it better than actual, returned, two-way love.  That must say something about me–and nothing good.  But returned love (speaking of romantic love, of course) is messy and nothing I’ve ever really experienced.  It’s one of those unknowns that the universe may or may not have in store for me.

Meh.

A quote from Thomas Merton:
“My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not actually mean that I am doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.”

I have long loved that quote. And I think it explains how I reconcile some of my social views with my theological ones.

Anyway, today I tried out a new church. A United Methodist church, actually. I was sort of wary, probably because many years ago I would have never gone to a UM church. But I went, and it was the perfect blend of liturgy and relaxed presentation. Their associate reverend is a woman. And they’re okay with people’s sexual orientation and gender identity being non-mainstream. [Side note: I am oddly leery of churches who agree with my social inclinations. I think I worry that they will then disregard their bibles dreadfully. But this does not seem to be the case. Yet.] The music was enjoyable, the people were welcoming. It was a positive experience, which is becoming rare for me at church.

I am going to go back next week. And probably the week after that, and after that. I may have found my place. Until I move, that is.

I am hoping to move back north, closer to my family and friends (the ones in this state, anyway). Of course, it may take me some time (forever) to find a job, so… We’ll see.

“The ideal candidate would be an outgoing, cheerful, caring, and extremely detail-oriented individual who is motivated to provide great internal customer service in a fast paced work environment.”

It’s interesting to me that most people don’t seem to understand this is a pie-in-the-sky type of request.  To get someone who is both detail-oriented and outgoing?  It happens, but it’s not often.

That said, I am still job hunting.

Okay, actually, I took the week off.  But that was because I got my first cold in three years (and in June!), and have been miserably reliving every step of the common cold as if it was the first time.  It seems I completely forgot what they’re like.  At least I think I’m on the tail end of this one.  Sigh.

This last weekend I took a continuing education course in Excel through my local community college.  It was surprisingly good, and I’m really glad I did it.  This is something I can put on my resume, and it gives me more confidence in the one program in the Microsoft Office Suite that I felt very unsure about.  Now all I have to do is secure a job, and I’ll be set.

Or, you know, go back to school for a useful certificate/degree.

I also went to church this Sunday.  A new one.  It was also surprisingly good.  I think I will go back for sure.  And I’m looking forward to going back.  It was time.

That’s all.  Life is just one big jumble of trying to find motivation to find a job, in the midst of doing all the little things I want to get done.

I’ve decided to not go to Korea after all.  I know.  I know, I know, I know.

But if you know me at all, or if you’ve read this blog long enough, you should not be too surprised.  It’s what I do.  (Make tons of big decisions in small amounts of time, changing my mind quickly.)

Here’s the thing.  There was absolutely no peace about the decision, just anxiety.  And I couldn’t eat and felt sick to my stomach, both the same tells that I have gotten whenever I’ve made a decision (or been about to make a decision) that I knew was a bad idea.  This one was just a little harder to decipher.

I wanted it to work.  And maybe if I didn’t have the kittens, I could have made it work or made it into a not-bad decision.  And I know throwing the kittens under the bus sounds ridiculous, but I’m certainly not saying they were the only influence.

So that makes 3 jobs I’ve turned down in less than a month.  My next goal is to find a job and say yes.

I was offered a job in Montana, working as a housekeeper at a small Super 8 in the middle of nowhere, near Yellowstone, but 1.5-2 hours away from a grocery store.  They would give me a cabin of my own.  I was sorely tempted to say, “Yes! I’ll be on my way,” but I was reminded that I really need to get a job that has potential for movement.  Because apparently you can’t be a housekeeper your whole life: eventually you get too old, and then what do you do?  (Duh, live on the streets. Listen, I read the articles.  I already know that as a single woman, my chances of being in poverty when I get older are much higher than anyone else’s.  Accept your fate!)

So I’m back to looking for legitimate jobs.  I’ve been applying here, but also in a few warm places, like Albuquerque and Phoenix.  I did have a promising interview last week for a job here that I’d really like to have, but I won’t know if they want to continue on the next round with me until Wednesday.  So I’m really trying to not hope, because if it doesn’t work out, I don’t want to be terribly disappointed.

My biggest concern is my lack of skill with Excel. I know the basics, but…  Through a little Google searching, I found out that Microsoft offers free online training for their products.  My plan is to start going through their training programs, so I can fill in any gaps I might have.  Maybe that will help my confidence.

Finding a job is hard work.

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*I found a blog with euphemisms for being out of work and thought I should try one out.

I just finished week three of Atkins.  And now I’m starting Phase Two, which is exciting because I get to add new foods and more carbs.  I’m still feeling great, still enjoying it.  If nothing else, it’s been a lot of fun trying out new recipes and new ways to eat food.  For example, a lettuce wrapped burger is delicious (who knew?), and you really don’t need dressing in your salad if you’ve made it well enough.

I’m also finding tons of great Atkins-approved recipes, for example: Flaxseed Muffins, Creamy Mushroom Soup, Roasted Red Pepper Cream Soup, Flourless Chocolate Cookies, and Zucchini Pancakes.  Yes, it’s true, none of those are linked to anything.  The first three are on Atkins, the last one is from allrecipes, and the cookie one I can’t remember where I got.  I’ve adjusted almost all of them, though, so if one sounds good and you want the recipe, let me know.

In other news, please, find me a job.  Somewhere sunny and warm, I think.  Thanks!

Today, I got a great new haircut, plus highlights (which I have never done before).  The highlights are really well done–they look like they belong in my hair.  The stylist did such a fantastic job; I’ll definitely go back if I stay in the area.  Anyway, I more or less just went in and asked for suggestions.  I figure that now that I’m done with school (nearly), and getting ready to join the real world (think interviews and a job), I should update my look to something more grown-up and professional than simply straight, no style hair.  I love it.

I applied for a job at my school.  I’m hoping for a chance to talk to the hiring person while I’m down there this weekend.  I’m not actually sure if it would pay enough (as in, I have no idea what the pay rate is), but I believe I would like the position.  It’s for an admissions counselor for the seminary.  And of course, I think I would be a good fit.  I mean, I went to the school, so I could be a valuable asset to the team.  Right?  (Plus, then I could take a class each semester with my alumni free class, and maybe get in more languages!)