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I went for drinks with my old boss last night.  It was good to see her again.  One of the things she wanted to know is if I was still identifying as a woman, which I considered a fair question in light of some of our conversation.  I told her yes.  I don’t really see that changing, but I also hesitate at the term.  At the same time, this last year has already been so full of transitions and changes that I cannot even imagine adding investigating how I feel about gender.

I finally like what I see in the mirror, the whole package.  I like my clothes, I like my hair, I like how I look in/with them.  It’s so reassuring to look at myself and see a person I recognize.  That’s enough for now.  The questions may come later, and if they do, they will have to wait until things feel a bit more stable.

Now, for the continued hypothetical question of monogamy.  With as stressed as I get about merely setting up dates with multiple people during one week, I don’t think that I could realistically do non-monogamy (having already decided against polyamory).  I think I simply want a steady relationship.  And if it was going to be open in any way, I think it would have to be purely casual and obviously decided together.  But I’m not even convinced that I would want that, either.

I’m hoping this next chapter of life has good things for me.

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I really want to give non-monogamy a shot.  I want to be that person who can actually do it.  But I have serious doubts because all I have to do is start talking to some woman that piques my interest in a real way, and suddenly my mind is tripping merrily down Monogamy Way.

On the other hand, if I’m just wired for monogamy, why try for non-monogamy?  Just because it’s a thing doesn’t mean I have to imbibe.  I think I’m okay with casual until I let my emotions get involved, then I can’t handle it.  So if it’s just a physical thing, then sure, why not.  But as soon as it starts feeling real, all bets are off.

On the other-other hand, I want to give kink a try, and I want the freedom to do so.  [This whole discussion is going to preclude me actually being in a relationship. I am merely speaking in hypotheticals at the moment.]

On the other-other-other hand (I have run out of hands), what if I started seeing someone who is involved in kink or wants to get involved in a similar way as myself?

Additional to that, the more I look into and learn about the kink community, I’m not sure I ever want to be part of the community itself.  I think I want to borrow ideas and play and incorporate them into my sex life without committing to any thing in any real way.  I think what I mean is that I like a lot of what kink has to offer, but only in certain amounts and ways.

I clearly do not do well with what-ifs.  I need concrete situations.