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I really want to give non-monogamy a shot.  I want to be that person who can actually do it.  But I have serious doubts because all I have to do is start talking to some woman that piques my interest in a real way, and suddenly my mind is tripping merrily down Monogamy Way.

On the other hand, if I’m just wired for monogamy, why try for non-monogamy?  Just because it’s a thing doesn’t mean I have to imbibe.  I think I’m okay with casual until I let my emotions get involved, then I can’t handle it.  So if it’s just a physical thing, then sure, why not.  But as soon as it starts feeling real, all bets are off.

On the other-other hand, I want to give kink a try, and I want the freedom to do so.  [This whole discussion is going to preclude me actually being in a relationship. I am merely speaking in hypotheticals at the moment.]

On the other-other-other hand (I have run out of hands), what if I started seeing someone who is involved in kink or wants to get involved in a similar way as myself?

Additional to that, the more I look into and learn about the kink community, I’m not sure I ever want to be part of the community itself.  I think I want to borrow ideas and play and incorporate them into my sex life without committing to any thing in any real way.  I think what I mean is that I like a lot of what kink has to offer, but only in certain amounts and ways.

I clearly do not do well with what-ifs.  I need concrete situations.

Today I met with a classmate to work through our assignment.  We both were stuck on a very similar spot in our code, although it turned out we had very different problems.  But I figured us both out, so I’m feeling pretty good.  And my code works!  What a good feeling.

Plus a girl at Starbucks gave me her number.  I’m not sure if she was flirting, but this is still the first time a woman gave me her number in the wild, and I didn’t even have to ask for it.  At this moment, I have no intention of texting, but we’ll see if she does (I gave her mine in return).  She’s super cute, but not my type (if she is even queer at all).

I want to have all the sex, but I suppose I’m in no hurry.  (That’s not entirely true.)  I have found that what is true is that I am willing to hop into bed with someone pretty much immediately if I think they are attractive and they are open to it.  Unfortunately, I need to work on finding more folk who feel the same.  I keep going out with people who aren’t wanting to do the casual sex thing at all, and I think I kind of do, as it turns out.

That’s it for today. I have to get shit done.

We interrupt your programming to bring you some very important news: As I was sitting at my computer, catching up on facebook and enjoying my first cup of coffee this morning, a dark object flew over my head (please don’t let it have been from my head) and landed on my laptop’s mouse pad.  AND THEN IT MOVED BECAUSE IT WAS A SPIDER.  Thank god it was a little one, but you guys, I almost died!

Now, back to regular programming.

Are any of you, readers o’ mine, into kink or the kink community?  I met with a friend of a friend last night who is, which was a big motivation for meeting them.  I have all these questions and thoughts and haven’t quite figured out how to make any moves into exploring kink.

They gave me a lot of good background info and things to consider–some I’d thought about, some I hadn’t.  I didn’t ask many questions, although they attempted to get me to do so, but it was a good introduction.  (Also, they personally know a few of my queer ‘celebrity’ crushes, swoon!)

I have this problem in my head, one I can probably blame on my very conservative upbringing, where I have a disconnect between kink and relationships.  As though I can only have vanilla sex in a relationship and kink outside of one.  I’m not sure how to reconcile the two or if they will naturally reconcile as time goes on.

I also do some thinking about poly relationships–to a much lesser degree, I suppose.  My friend B thinks it is the way of the future–shared resources and all that (I mean, look at things like car to go or shared housing or…).  She has a good point.  And I like the idea of not needing to put all my relationship needs on one person.  We have multiple friends, why not multiple lovers?  Anyway, not sure if I’ll ever go the poly route, but I am for sure giving it serious consideration as at least an intellectual exercise.

Thoughts?  Experiences?  Etc?

The break from dating is still on. I have not not changed my mind in the last three days.

However, I have identified what I need: a starter girlfriend.  (Incidentally, I used to tell one of my friends that all he needed was a starter girlfriend, but that was before he came out, so when he did, I amended it to starter boyfriend.  It seemed to have worked well for him, not that I think he went into any of his relationships expecting them to be short term.)

I think I view this idea as a trial relationship.  Something to get my feet wet, to try things out, to see how it feels to date a woman.  That with the addition of the fact that I can’t seem to wrap my mind around the idea of dating just one woman long-term at this point.  There are still too many women out there to date…

I still question the ethics of this.  When I start parsing it out, it comes down to wanting to date a woman that I’m attracted to (obviously), but not one I’d think I could be with forever (I use that word here loosely, not literally).  I recognize that it’s dangerous business (so to speak) to plan to date someone short term–emotions can get involved that were never intended.  (I feel as though I am definitely at risk for this, since I’m still learning how to keep emotions out of casual dating.)  But I’m less concerned for my own emotions than being an ass to someone else.

I suppose that being upfront about it, like the bisexual butch recommended in a comment on one of my previous posts, would be technically the right thing to do.  However… I may not intend to do the right thing after all?

It’s an interesting pastime for me, learning about how I actually feel about dating and sex and love (among other things).  I had ideas before, based on a lack of interest in men, but now that the real me is unleashed, I’m still learning who she is.  And I have to tell you, I’m liking her, regardless of her potentially sketchy ethics.

I went out for drinks last night with some of my friends/old co-workers.  It was a fucking blast.  We went to my favourite dive and just sat for hours.  I told way too many details about my dating life/sex life, though. For reals.  What the hell was I thinking?!  But I’m not going to repeat them here, so don’t get excited.

One of co-workers, who I’m not as good of friends with, is a straight chick who is kind of into me.  I feel weird saying that.  But, I’ve felt it ever since we started talking/hanging out.  She really wants to make out with me, which is apparently a thing some straight chicks like to do with lesbians?  Anyway, I’m not opposed to that, because women, but I’m not into her at all (straight and very femme).  Moreover, I certainly won’t be making that move!  In fact, I will probably avoid it, since I feel that’s the best course of action…

And she wanted to know why my queer friend (who is in a long-term, committed, monogamous relationship) and I had never made out.  We sort of just looked at each other and reiterated the relationship.  I mean, just because she’s queer and I’m gay doesn’t mean we’re going to fool around…  Is that really a perception?  So weird.

Not that I’m opposed to friends with benefits, but they have to be single friends. I mean, c’mon.  I’m totally the monogamous type.  I mean, I will be, once I settle down.  Which I have no timeline for.  I like to keep it open–who knows when I will meet the right woman?  In the meantime… bring them on.  The more the better.  (I feel like I am talking a bigger game than I can deliver at the moment.)

Also, talking with the best friend the other night, I said how I think I will be more of a sexual aggressor  instigator (not in a bad way, in the making moves/pursuing way) after I feel more comfortable with my skills in the lady sex department.  The best friend totally agrees.  I need to do more research in this department… Hands on research, that is… Ahem.

I’m so happy I’m finally dating ladies.  It’s amazing.

Every so often, I come across an article that I think is worth re-posting.  This is one of those times.

Relevant Magazine posted an article titled, “What’s the Big Deal About Waiting for Marriage?”   Usually these articles are unfortunate, at best.  But I actually felt like this one hit the proverbial nail on the head.  And I resonated with it so much.

Ally Spotts, the author, goes beyond the typical Christian answers and speaks to the heart of the matter.  Without the condemnation, without the guilt-inducing reasons, without the things that make me so frustrated with this debate most of the time.

Read it. It’s short and worth your time.

Somehow, every poem I try to write about dancing ends up sounding like its about sex.  Maybe that shouldn’t be surprising to me.

It’s intoxicating.  Dancing, that is.

An example, rough draft style:

moving
as one
I respond
to your every touch.
this conversation
is between my flesh
and yours.