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Today I posted an article on facebook about predator pastors.  I commented that it was almost exactly like my experience with my ex-mentor from bible college (minus the original attraction she described–my feelings were entirely platonic, as you well know).  But, oh my god, it felt like I was reading something I could have wrote.  I also felt bold about posting so publicly on facebook, where all of my college friends will know who I am talking about, even though I’ve never told them what happened.

Additionally, today I was again mourning being molested as a young child.  I fear physical intimacy as much as I desire it.  The only tool I have now is my knowledge, and I do not know how much that will end up helping.  I hope significantly.  But I really don’t know.  Again, I have to wonder how one gets over something they can’t remember consciously, but that their body remembers.

I don’t want to remember these things anymore.

I want to be well and whole.

I want to forget that it was the Church each time.  The Body of Christ, who should have protected me.

It’s no wonder my faith has turned inward.


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