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Now that my thesis is done, I’ve realized that I didn’t put much actual thought to what I would do post-school while I’m job hunting.  I’ve realized that I’m trapped even more than before.  Trapped like a rat.  With nothing to do.  Oh lands.  Please, please, please let me find a job soon.

My family, at least one of them, is always home.  I can never be alone in the quiet of a house.  I am bombarded constantly by people and sound.  And since I am not very comfortable with my family, I always feel their presence.  I can’t be relaxed around them.  And I am introverted enough to need that aloneness.  It is possible for me to feel “alone” around others, but I have to know them well, to feel comfortable, to have developed that.  It doesn’t come often, but is welcome when it does.

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On another topic, I keep telling myself: more salad, less cookies.

And it’s nice that you can be pleasantly surprised by both yourself and others.

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December 14, 2012, 10:30am.  That’s when my thesis defense is scheduled.  That’s when I finally finish the requirements for my Master’s Degree.  Oh Praise Jesus.

I have a hotel booked for two nights.  I’ll be staying through the next day as two of my friends are getting married on the 15th.  And of course I have to show up the day before because the morning would be ridiculously early and stressful otherwise.

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This morning, my Shelby-kitten refused to leave the bathroom when I went to take my shower.  So I left her in there, and she sat on the toilet seat, staring at the shower the whole time.  When I got out, she started yowling at me.  I couldn’t tell if she was angry or frightened.  It was the oddest thing.  But hilarious.

I can’t tell if I simply like being single or if it’s all my issues that make me want to be single.  In the end, it doesn’t matter, because it’s one in the same until I can figure it out.

But I won’t extol the virtues of singleness again for you.  If you’ve been reading my blog, you’ve read it before.

Other news:

Today I broke my toe.  Well, I didn’t break it.  A lid to a rice cooker fell on it.  Blast.  At least toes don’t need doctors.  Since I don’t have any insurance.  Also, my toes get broken a lot.

I made mini cinnamon rolls and froze most of them (before cooking).  They’re so tiny.  And so delicious.  And so dang cute.

I know I should go back to church, but I’m not sure I care anymore.

I still don’t know when the ol’ oral defense for my thesis is, but I did email my program adviser today to ask.  I keep hoping he’ll email soon.  Maybe tomorrow.

I keep putting off writing because there’s just so much going on, and I’m not sure of what to share or not to share.

But I will share this, even though I wonder if it’s too personal for a public blog, but then I remember that it’s my blog, and I can do what I like.  I finally found a counselor.  I went to my first appointment on Friday, and it seems like it will be a good fit.  I’m excited for the potential, excited for this opportunity.  I finally just bit the bullet and took the plunge, although I still don’t have an income, nor do I know where I’ll end up living once I find a job.  But I can’t keep putting it off forever.  And anything is better than nothing, right?

Mailing my thesis was exhilarating.  Seeing it on paper, in it’s fullness… wow.  I have a copy here, of course.  Not that I’ve read it through yet.  Nor do I yet know when the oral defense will be.  But I am so close to being done.

Today, I am going to make banana pancakes for breakfast, as in the words of Jack Johnson:

Wakin’ up too early
Maybe we could sleep in
I’ll make you banana pancakes
Pretend like it’s the weekend now

And we could pretend it all the time
Can’t you see that it’s just rainin’
There ain’t no need to go outside

Only it is the weekend. And I did sleep in.  And I am not going to feed the kittens pancakes.

Thesis

I have sent off my thesis to Staples to be printed and picked up tomorrow.  Four copies: one for me, three for them.  I’ll also mail it tomorrow.  I am so close, folks!

Kittens

My Sophie kitten is an emotional eater, but when she’s happy.  She starts purring, feeling good, then goes to eat, all the while purring away.

My dad calls Shelby “Sheba” because he says she’s the “queen cat.”  It’s true.  She is.  The thing is, the other two kittens don’t seem to care…  I mean, Shelby tells them what-for all the time.  They’re just sort of indifferent.  So, it’s like she’s asserting herself all the time, letting them know she’s the top cat, and they’re just basically unaware.  It’s funny.

Online Dating

Okay, really, men?  You’re going to send me a message that says something along the lines of “you’re pretty, let’s go out” or “you’re hot, I’m a nice guy, let’s chat.” ???  And you think that will entice me to write you back?  I ignore those messages, every time.  I can’t even find it within myself to feel flattered because I’m fairly certain it’s a message you send to everyone, and really, it’s insulting.  Write something that proves you’ve read my profile.  Write something that gives me a reason to take the time to write back.

Although, I can only go on multiple dates with one person at a time.  So, in theory, I could go on a bunch of first dates with multiple men.  But once I start going on more than one date with a person, I wouldn’t be able to do first dates anymore, unless I stopped going on dates with the one person.  (Wow, syntactically that was a confusing sentence, yes?)  I’d love to be the person who goes on dates with multiple men, but it’s just not in me.

Random

I might get to see one of my Canadian friends today!!  He’s driving through and the plan is for us to get together when he’s passing by.

I went to church last night.  The new pastor is… interesting.  I’m trying to decide if I should just stick it out until I know where I’m going to live, or find a new church now with the knowledge that I might have to change if I move.  Ugh.

Have a great day, everyone.

I got back the edit from my adviser!!!!!

This means I can actually finish up the “final” draft of my paper.  Then I can do the oral defense and, if necessary, do the final-final draft of the thesis.  THEN I’M DONE!!!

Thus and therefore, after lunch, I am heading to Starbucks where I will hopefully finish up the edits today.

Let’s all heave a big sigh of relief: The end is nigh.

I have, more or less, finished the first draft of my thesis.  [cue mild celebration]  It’s even all formatted, which wasn’t as easy as I’d hoped.  Thank goodness my footnotes & bib notes were already ready to go.  Granted, I have a few bibliographic entries to add to my Sources Consulted and one or two footnotes to touch up.  Plus, I have an entire section to write on how Barth connects the imago Dei to the Trinity (which will be done after this draft), and, let’s be honest, my conclusion is nothing to write home about.  But it’s done!

I suppose that means that it’s time for me to start job hunting, like I promised myself.  That said, if you can find me a job that will support myself and two kittens, let me know.  I’m willing to move just about anywhere.  The Midwest would be great.

After my thesis is all the way done, I’m so going to take a break.  Or a trip.  I’m not sure.

I am sick of my thesis.  I took yesterday off because I couldn’t face it.  Today, I’ve managed to write three pages, but I am having a very hard time even caring anymore.  I’m on the home stretch, but I just want it done.  I want to live a productive, worthwhile life.  I want to do things that matter.  In theory, my thesis is about a topic that matters, but who reads a master’s thesis??  No one.  It’ll be bound and put into my school’s library, but no one is going to read the thing.  It’ll just sit there, collecting dust.  And it’s not even worth reading… it’s just a regurgitation of other people’s more brilliant work.

That said… please don’t let this blog following the heels of yesterday’s blog keep you from watching the video I posted.  Really, watch it.

And on the topic of systems of injustice…  That’s what I want to do–not create more injustice, but work toward eliminating it.  I want to work for a social justice organization.  I mean, in particular, I want to work for World Next Door, but that may not be realistic.  In which case, I am willing to consider other organizations.  :)  But, really, that’s where my heart is: for the oppressed, the outcasts, the poor, the orphans, the widows, those who are in need.

But how do I do any significant work when I feel so insignificant?

I thought it would be easier to write my thesis once I got past all the foundational information and to the part I really cared about.  And in the sense that I’m excited to write this stuff, it is easier.  But in the sense that I care about it more and have to make sure to make cogent arguments so that my adviser and eventual oral defense committee don’t tear it apart, it is way harder to write.  I’m halfway panicked, still.  But I’m on page 33, which means I have about 60% done of the minimum page count (roughly 55 pages of writing, since the 60-80 pages includes front & end matter).  And I have my research lined up, ready to access.  More or less.  So really, this should totally work.  I should be able to get twenty-three more pages in the next week.  But that does sound like a lot, doesn’t it?

I really just cannot wait until I’m completely done.

I miss my kittens, but I’m glad I came down here to get work done.  It’s been good to use the library, and it’s been nice to see friends.

Also, I noticed on World Next Door‘s page that they are fundraising in order to create a position for a full time office manager.  I doubt that I’d have the qualifications, and who knows the timeline on this, but you know how much I love them.  If it works at all, whenever it opens up, I’m going to apply.  It never hurts to try.  Love.

[I mean, what I really want to do is just beg Barry (the founder) to create a job for me and hire me.  Any job, so long as it pays me so I can live and pay my student loans.  That should work, right?  Because he and I are totally friends.  Like, you know, on twitter and facebook.  So you know it’s real.]

So… it’s been awhile since I posted.  In light of that, a few bullet point updates:

  • I’m on page 25 of my thesis.  I’m also heading back to school tomorrow for about five or six days in order to use the library and hopefully get the rest of the dang thing written.  First draft is due Oct. 29.  I’m trying not to panic, but trust me, I’m panicking.  I’ve had a twitch in my eye for the last two weeks.  I’ve upped my coffee intake.  My sleep is interrupted (more so than it ought to be).  I keep having the distinct feeling that a) my topic is overdone and redundant; b) my paper goes on tangents that make no sense at all to my actual thesis statement; c) I am going to fail and never graduate.
  • I finished up my two week babysitting stint today.  That paycheck coupled with my refund from CELTA makes me feel rich.  I must resist this feeling, as it is false.
  • I got a kitten friend for Shelby.  Her name is Sophie.  I had a few tense days when Shelby hated her, but it seems like they’re going to work out just fine.  So now it’s Shelby, the gray and black tabby; Sophie, the gray and white tabby; and Percy, the black cat (my sister’s).  Oddly, despite the size differences, they’re all 10 weeks old.  Here’s a picture of the three:

 

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