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Another day, another dollar.

I’m officially not seeing LM anymore.  The details really aren’t important; I’m sure what you know of the situation is enough to put the pieces together on what was a doomed situation.  But I have two first dates lined up for this week, so I feel like I’m doing pretty good.

Like B has told me, this was just another experience most people have in their teens that now I can cross off my list.  And another of my friends assures me that almost no one has successful anything in their first year of dating.  (It is weird to think of this as my first year of dating, but it really is.  All the other years trying to date men just don’t count.)

I’ve been doing more thinking about labels.  And I’m not quite sure I fit the butch label entirely–or maybe I do, but with caveats?  I think the biggest thing I balk at is the often heteronormative expectations that people assign to being butch.  I have no interest in adopting chauvinistic or traditionally masculine values.  I am going to dress and present in the manner I feel most comfortable, but I’m not going to alter my behavior to fit anyone’s ideas of who I am.

In other news, I am dreading work today because I have nothing to do.  That is a rotten feeling.  I sincerely hope it starts picking up soon.

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I know I’ve said this before, but this last year has been nothing but changes.  The problem is that I think they’re really starting to catch up with me.  And for someone who doesn’t like change, it’s been hard to have nothing feel steady.

I continue to question if my job was the right choice.  I think it will be, but it is making me feel awful in the meantime.  I don’t do well with downtime, and my trainer is terrible at training.  She is just not a teacher, as much as she may know her stuff.  So I’m feeling insecure on a regular basis from that.

And now I’m looking my move date in the face.  Mid-July is coming quickly, and I need to really think about finding a new apartment.  I want to move; I got a new job so that I could move, but good gracious, I do not like moving. Plus the housing market here is incredibly daunting, so that does not help.

I’m tired, sick and tired, of hearing about the bathroom controversy from stupid straight people.  I’m also tired of being the token gay friend and having to hear about it every time I talk to whomever it is that has assigned me that position in their life. (Not sure I can afford to cut any more friends at this point, though; plus they have no idea what they’re doing.)

Not to mention that I’m insecure about LM.  Not about wanting to see her, but about if she truly wants to see me.  I am glad we’re not starting anything before she leaves because that would be 300% too much pressure.  It’s much better to just let it be what it is, to see if it goes anywhere, than to try to force it.

And this weekend I am booked, again.  It is only things and people I want to see, but I’m feeling so overwhelmed at the moment that the only thing I want to do is curl up on my couch and be alone.  Maybe today will go well, and I will feel better by tomorrow.

I keep obsessively listening to Twenty One Pilots’ song Stressed Out (see video in a post below).  It’s just so fucking fantastic.

Work is super crazy right now.  One of our people quit last week and left quite a mess.  Not to mention it seems like close to $200 is missing from various accounts they were in charge of.  My co-worker and I are in charge of their accounts until we get a new person in, and it’s amazing how much of a mess they became in such a short time.  Now, being busy is better than not having enough to do (which is my typical), but too much isn’t fun…

Also, periods. Ugh.

Normally, I don’t ever want to talk specifics about someone I’m currently going on dates with.  But I’m trying to figure something out.  Okay, my dating goal, as stated previously (I think), is to more or less go with the flow, to take things as they come, to not have goals.  So…  I’m going on some dates with this women who is pretty awesome.  And she texts me to tell me that she still wants to go on dates and spend time with me, but she is also trying to do the whole “dating” thing, so is still trying to meet other people.  And I said that sounds great, that I’m doing the same. [This, for the record, is true.]

So here is what I’m trying to figure out.  I have no fucking idea how to casually date.  Yeah, I want to see her, to go on dates, to mess around.  But I’m still an introvert and have limited resources to hand out.  So, yeah, I also want to keep meeting people (duh, so many women!).  And then I’m conflicted because I have liked her better than anyone else thus far (that can always change, though).  Not that it matters because she wants to do the casual dating thing, too?

I will not end up like Rory Gilmore, who tried to date Tristan while he dated many women, but couldn’t, then somehow by accident got him to agree to date only her.  I mean, yes, if that worked for me, I’d do it. But I mean, not on purpose.  So, what I mean is, I don’t want to be Rory, who thought she could do casual dating, but just couldn’t.  Unless that’s simply the case.

So many feels!

Ugh. Life!  But this morning I’m feeling about 98% better, so that’s something. I took the day off of work to just… not be there.

In other news, on August 4th, I got the best fortune from a fortune cookie ever.  It said: “Remember three months from this date for an exciting event.”  I can’t wait to see what November 4th holds in store. haha

I have a sink full of dishes and no desire to wash them.  This is happening more and more often.

There’s really nothing to report.  Although last night I did have a really interesting dream, both delightful and disturbing.  I’ve been reading Patrick Rothfuss’ Kingkiller Chronicles (I just finished the second book), so I think the dream was taking place in that world, more or less.  I wasn’t an archanist, which was too bad, but my dream girlfriend was–she was also pretty hot, if I do say so myself (good job, imagination).  Unfortunately, we had a mission to kill a demon cat (sad, sad, sad) that had been wreaking havoc.  Like I said, delightful and disturbing.

My move is coming ever closer… a week and a half away, in fact.  I’m slowly packing.  Tonight, I got one whole box done, in fact!  Um… yeah.  I have the worst mental block ever about packing.  But my apartment is full of boxes–it looks terrible.  I’d say maybe half of the apartment is packed so far.  I can’t wait until it’s over, and I’m in my new place.

My hair is great!  I don’t think I’ll end up keeping it–I’ll probably just let it grow out.  But I like it a lot!  Tons of fun.  It’s good to have a change.

Work is going pretty good.  The quarter just ended, so I have more than usual to keep me busy, which is nice.

Um… I guess that’s it.  But if any of you would like to come over and pack my shit for me, please feel free!

It’s back to real life.  The good thing is that I planned so well before my week off that there is almost no catching up to do at work, plus no mess to clean up.  Thank goodness!

I just discovered Megan Rapinoe, and I am in love.  Seriously.

My move is in less than three weeks.  My apartment is full of boxes.  I suppose I should start putting shit in them.  My mom totally asked me if I was going to need help packing.  I informed her that although I have never yet packed myself, I was going to give this time a real try.  It’s quite possible that she will have to finish, like every other time.  I am the worst packer ever.  Can’t I just throw it all away the day of the move?

In other news, life is full of hope and excitement and discovery and delight.

There is entirely too much anxiety in my life right now.  And yes, I understand that most of it is self-inflicted.

I have decided that I need to move.  I can’t actually afford to move (mother fucking rental costs), but I just can’t bear to stay where I am.  So I am going to accept my parents’ offer to help me out–they’ll have to co-sign any apartment I get anyway since I don’t make 3x any rent out there.  Of course, the market is fierce and competitive and you have to move fast.  Like same day fast because they go that fast.  Fuck.

Work is good.  I had my annual review today and it went well.  Of course I focus on the one area where there was any mention of any growth needed, but that is my own problem.

Mmm, in other notes of interest, have you had the Starbucks Smores Frappuccino??  It is seriously the best thing ever in the whole world.  I have so much love for it; I don’t even care.  It’s that good.

Work is crazy again.  My department has four financial supervisors.  About a week ago, we fired one of them.  And starting yesterday, another is in Gambia for a month visiting family.  Now there are two of us left to do the work of four.  And the one that got fired left a huge mess.  So my cohort and I are feeling incredibly overwhelmed right now.  I think both of us have some amount of fear in our hearts.

It is good I actually love my job because that makes it worth it.  Plus this can only last so long–we’ll hire someone, the other one will come back, it will be okay.  But in the meantime… yikes!

I’ve finally started my new position full time.  I’m still, obviously, training the new administrative assistant, but it’s at least only in bits and pieces at this point.

I feel as though I’m slowly getting a handle on things.  But I really only mean in the most elementary way possible.  I’m still working on paying all the overdue bills.  Bleah.  But I’m feeling more aware of what needs to get done, rather than feeling as though I have no idea what is waiting for me.

I finally purchased a Kitchen Aid this week.  I have long dreamed of this day.  I was wanting to wait until I had more room, but finally decided that it wasn’t worth waiting, since who knows when or if I’ll ever have a bigger kitchen.

I got the Cranberry color, which is simply delightful.  I haven’t used it yet, but I will soon. :)

A couple weeks ago, I applied for a job in our finance department at work.  This last Thursday, I found out I got it.

I’m pretty excited about the whole transition.  I do have to help find my replacement, and am pretty much stuck at the front desk until they start, but the end is in sight.

It comes with a bit of a pay raise (hallelujah), a more flexible schedule, and, of course, far less phones/people.

Unfortunately, the guy I’m replacing is, well, terrible at organization.  So I’m heading into a mess.  But I’m sure I’ll get it cleaned up in no time.  And with any luck, I’ll pick up the job quickly.

So there you go.  Something new from me.  Maybe this will be the start of many other good changes to come.  One can hope.