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There’s just too much going on to handle anything. I’d like to give zero fucks for the next several months. Unfortunately, that is not likely to be possible.
And so, moving on…
I need to get serious about working out. I don’t like how I feel, but it’s hard to feel motivated at 5:30am. I also need to get serious about job hunting, but it’s hard to feel motivated at 6:30pm. My teacher left me an audio comment on my last assignment that was next to worthless in terms of helpfulness. Also, I had to listen to it, which was basically the worst.
Yes, that was just a big ol’ paragraph of complaining.
I wrote a three page letter to Men’s Wearhouse telling them how disappointed I am in their store. I wonder if I’ll get a response.
Here’s a bit of good news. My rent increase is less than I expected. I can’t help but wonder if it’s a mistake, but I’m not going to point it out because I have it on an official document.
I’m considering taking a hiatus from dating, only because I am surrounded by femmes and don’t care to date any of them. Where are the butch ladies? I mean, c’mon. Or androgynous. But here’s something to think about. I went out last weekend with a trans boi. We talked about labels, and he asked mine. I said lesbian. But then I also noted that I may be open to dating trans guys–I’m not really sure (that’s a whole other discussion). I’d still call myself a lesbian. Would that do them a disservice? Does it matter what I label myself in regard to whom I might date?
These are things that are on my mind.
I went on a first date last week (actually, I went on a total of three first dates last week, all with women on the femme side of things) and the woman I was with called me “futch,” which I didn’t know what that meant at first. And then she told me her interpretation: feminine butch. Hm. I’ve looked it up on urbandictionary.com, and the definition seems solid, but I don’t think it describes me.
It seems to me that futch has more to do with intentionally blurring the lines between femme and butch. But I prefer soft butch for myself. I have a feminine face–there is nothing I can do about that, and I refuse to be stereotypically hyper-masculine (as previously discussed), but I visually present as masculine. Soft butch just fits. At least, it fits better than any other label I’ve come across.
Now, back to my confusion about femmes, because I’ve been doing more thinking. I don’t think I’ll ever go for a true femme. Speaking of which, I don’t know what it is, but I can’t get behind women with long hair. It just doesn’t do anything for me, and if anything, it’s actually a turn-off. (There’s just so much of it… gah!)
I think my confusion lies in that femmes have such traditional beauty. They’re nice to look at. But in the end, I don’t want to get any of them in bed… Now, give me an androgynous or butch woman, and wowza. They’re just so sexy.
I am afraid of femmes.
Let that sink in for a moment. Afraid of femmes.
This shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise to anyone who knows me. I have never known what to do with feminine women–those who can do their hair and make-up and who know how to dress…
When I came out, I found myself more attracted to butch women (like myself) or androgynous women. But lately, things are changing. [Why is this year nothing but changes? Can’t anything be steady, for at least a little while?]
I’ve realized that I’m not really into butches as much as androgynous women. And recently, I’ve found myself drawn to the femme side of androgyny. I’m still super nervous about hard femmes, so I tend to avoid them.
My big concern is that I don’t want to get trapped in heteronormative gender norms if I start dating femmes. I will not be made into the traditional “man” of the relationship. It’s a partnership or nothing. I’m happily gay. I don’t want to mirror a stereotypical straight relationship. And, if anything, my masculine presentation as a woman should defy gender norms, not give into them.
The other thing is, what do I do about my nervousness (fear) about femmes? They just seem so entirely other… beautiful, feminine, put-together…
I went on a date with a femme last night, and she was a delight. She had such clean lines–I don’t know how to explain that better, but I’m talking about her outfit, from her top to her skirt to her shoes–it just flowed in an entirely delicious way.
But part of me doesn’t feel like I’m in the same league as femmes. That I’m not attractive enough or butch enough or strong enough to be with someone who is so okay with being feminine, when I am so clearly not. (Although, I have thought that it must be wonderful to be with someone who is not also harboring body dysphoria, whose body I can enjoy without hesitation. This may assume too much or perhaps too little…)
And of course, all of this is subject to change. :)
I went out for drinks last night with some of my friends/old co-workers. It was a fucking blast. We went to my favourite dive and just sat for hours. I told way too many details about my dating life/sex life, though. For reals. What the hell was I thinking?! But I’m not going to repeat them here, so don’t get excited.
One of co-workers, who I’m not as good of friends with, is a straight chick who is kind of into me. I feel weird saying that. But, I’ve felt it ever since we started talking/hanging out. She really wants to make out with me, which is apparently a thing some straight chicks like to do with lesbians? Anyway, I’m not opposed to that, because women, but I’m not into her at all (straight and very femme). Moreover, I certainly won’t be making that move! In fact, I will probably avoid it, since I feel that’s the best course of action…
And she wanted to know why my queer friend (who is in a long-term, committed, monogamous relationship) and I had never made out. We sort of just looked at each other and reiterated the relationship. I mean, just because she’s queer and I’m gay doesn’t mean we’re going to fool around… Is that really a perception? So weird.
Not that I’m opposed to friends with benefits, but they have to be single friends. I mean, c’mon. I’m totally the monogamous type. I mean, I will be, once I settle down. Which I have no timeline for. I like to keep it open–who knows when I will meet the right woman? In the meantime… bring them on. The more the better. (I feel like I am talking a bigger game than I can deliver at the moment.)
Also, talking with the best friend the other night, I said how I think I will be more of a sexual aggressor instigator (not in a bad way, in the making moves/pursuing way) after I feel more comfortable with my skills in the lady sex department. The best friend totally agrees. I need to do more research in this department… Hands on research, that is… Ahem.
I’m so happy I’m finally dating ladies. It’s amazing.
I think I’m setting up a date for this weekend. I sort of took a hiatus from dating, unintentionally, but I’m doing my best to get back to it. The struggle, as always, is finding butch women to date–or at least androgynous, but ones that don’t want to date a femme. Anyway, this woman wants to do something more exciting than coffee–she suggested roller skating or ice skating. We’ll see. Both might be too exciting for me, considering I suck at them.
I’m reading Persistence: All Ways Butch and Femme. I love reading the stories about butch women–the ones written by femmes don’t interest me as much, but I do my duty and read them anyway. But the stories I resonate with match me on the inside, if not yet on the outside. Other than the stereotypical butch/femme pairing that nearly every writer aspires to, that is. I wish there was more written outside of the dichotomy that it seems everyone subscribes to.
I’ve been spending way too much money on clothes lately. I mean, they’ve almost all been from thrift stores, but even that adds up. Anyway, my best friend endorsed my bad behavior. She said she thinks it is really important to feel comfortable in your clothes. And god knows I haven’t felt comfortable in mine in forever.
Actually, I was talking with my supervisor about my work clothes and how I’m trying to find some that I actually like. Her comment was that I have always hated my work clothes. I don’t think I have ever liked them–they’re all very feminine (or so they feel) and fitted and perfect for women’s business casual, but not at all perfect for me.
So what is business casual for someone dressing a bit more butch? (Do you like how I shy from labels as long as possible? I tease them, I test them, I taste them, until they feel right.) I need help dressing myself. I can do weekends just fine. But weekdays? Ugh.
When I first came out at work, my CEO (who is gay, by the way–we have a lot of queer folk at work, which I love), told me that now we just had to wait and see what kind of lesbian I was. Last night at our holiday party, he mentioned it again.
The first time he said it, I felt unnecessary pressure. After all, I was just getting used to calling myself “gay” or “lesbian.” Why would I then try to subdivide it even further? And I’m not hugely big on labels. I don’t feel a big need to label myself unless it’s useful.
Now, everyone knows I’m into butch women. I can go on and on about how incredibly hot they are, beautiful, fantastic… When I show pictures to friends/co-workers, they all try to find something nice to say, but apparently not everyone is as into butch women as I am? I find that really weird, actually. (And most of these friends are straight, does that make a difference?)
When I was coming out, I was told by multiple sources in multiple ways that butch women aren’t into butch women–they’re into femmes. I am not a femme, nor is my spirit animal a femme. But I thought, maybe I should try to toe the femme line to get a chance at being found attractive by butch women. I’ve been doing that for these past months. But in the last month or so, I’ve realized that this is stupid.
Yes, there will certainly be people who won’t be into me if I present how I want to present myself. But that’s okay. Not everyone has to–I certainly am not into everyone. I just don’t want to be told that I should try to have longer hair or wear girlier clothing. I did that game the whole time I was trying to be straight. I’m tired of it. I want to go back to what’s comfortable and natural and good feeling. I want more plaid button-ups. (Fuck yes.)
This all comes down to hair. Okay, not really, but for the purpose of this post it does. I’m getting a haircut today that I’m really excited about. It’s much edgier than my current cut or previous one. It’s one that I’ve considered, but have been too much of a chicken to commit to.
And for some reason, getting haircuts that I feel represent me give me permission to let the rest of me represent me. Is hair my superpower or my kryptonite?
But you know what else? I’m finally going to buy myself a tie. And a good button up to wear it with. I have wanted a tie since high school, have wanted to rock the button up and tie look for years. Now I will have to learn to tie the damn thing, but that’s what youtube is for, right?
I like this whole rediscovering myself phase. It’s really fun.
Living in Hebel 