new beginnings may be imminent

I’m thinking of starting a new blog.  I want a blog where no one I know in real life reads it.  I’d like to take along some of you readers, the ones I don’t know, but there is no way for me to do that in an expeditious manner.

It is just that I am weary of worrying about writing something that someone I know will see and worrying if they won’t like it or will question me or…  I regret, in many ways, ever telling anyone I know about this blog (and the numbers are few enough).

I suppose if I decide to switch, I’ll just have to miss those of you who have been so supportive this last year.  But, as I’ve always said, my blog is mostly for myself.  For my need to put thoughts out there.

I just need space.  I need new starts and new places and new people.  I need to feel safe to say all my thoughts, the ones I cannot currently say.

looking good

I went for drinks with my old boss last night.  It was good to see her again.  One of the things she wanted to know is if I was still identifying as a woman, which I considered a fair question in light of some of our conversation.  I told her yes.  I don’t really see that changing, but I also hesitate at the term.  At the same time, this last year has already been so full of transitions and changes that I cannot even imagine adding investigating how I feel about gender.

I finally like what I see in the mirror, the whole package.  I like my clothes, I like my hair, I like how I look in/with them.  It’s so reassuring to look at myself and see a person I recognize.  That’s enough for now.  The questions may come later, and if they do, they will have to wait until things feel a bit more stable.

Now, for the continued hypothetical question of monogamy.  With as stressed as I get about merely setting up dates with multiple people during one week, I don’t think that I could realistically do non-monogamy (having already decided against polyamory).  I think I simply want a steady relationship.  And if it was going to be open in any way, I think it would have to be purely casual and obviously decided together.  But I’m not even convinced that I would want that, either.

I’m hoping this next chapter of life has good things for me.

labor day whining

In theory, I’m job hunting again.  I have very little desire to job hunt, but I also have very little desire to stay at my current job, doing nothing.  My attitude is failing; I dread going to work each day.  I could literally go to work one day a week and get everything done.

So, it’s time to look for a job.  It’s the worst, but I can’t see any way around it.  I figure that I will either get a new job or they’ll start giving me work at my current job.  But things have to change.  They just have to.

But why can’t there just be a time when things start going smoothly?  I’d really rather not look for a job until I’m ready to start looking for a job in tech, which will be at least a year from now.

Tattoo

Here is the update of my tattoo.  Like I said, probably one more session to go to finish it up. But it’s looking so good! 

All the things.

It’s only Sunday, but I can tell you already that it’s been a big weekend for me.

I had my second session for my Hogwarts tattoo.  One more should do the trick.  I’ll try to post a picture later–it’s looking beautiful!

I started reading “Lost Boi” by Sassafras Lowrey.  I’m only a few chapters in, but it is amazing. Especially if you are a fan of the Peter Pan genre (I say it that way because while it is a book, a damn good one, there are multiple interpretations in movie/play/etc form), and are interested in queer interpretations of said genre.  I won’t go into all the ways that this gets me in the feels, but check it out for yourself.

too much thinking, too little dating

I really want to give non-monogamy a shot.  I want to be that person who can actually do it.  But I have serious doubts because all I have to do is start talking to some woman that piques my interest in a real way, and suddenly my mind is tripping merrily down Monogamy Way.

On the other hand, if I’m just wired for monogamy, why try for non-monogamy?  Just because it’s a thing doesn’t mean I have to imbibe.  I think I’m okay with casual until I let my emotions get involved, then I can’t handle it.  So if it’s just a physical thing, then sure, why not.  But as soon as it starts feeling real, all bets are off.

On the other-other hand, I want to give kink a try, and I want the freedom to do so.  [This whole discussion is going to preclude me actually being in a relationship. I am merely speaking in hypotheticals at the moment.]

On the other-other-other hand (I have run out of hands), what if I started seeing someone who is involved in kink or wants to get involved in a similar way as myself?

Additional to that, the more I look into and learn about the kink community, I’m not sure I ever want to be part of the community itself.  I think I want to borrow ideas and play and incorporate them into my sex life without committing to any thing in any real way.  I think what I mean is that I like a lot of what kink has to offer, but only in certain amounts and ways.

I clearly do not do well with what-ifs.  I need concrete situations.

identity

From the group description for ‘Appreciating Bois, Butches, and Trans Men,’ on Fetlife:

“Traditionally, ‘transmasculine’ has referred to male traits in female-bodied people — or, more properly, people who were ‘assigned female at birth’ (AFAB). ‘Bois’, ‘Butches’, and ‘Trans men’ are types of transmasculine people; each term has its own set of cultural implications and definitions.”

I liked that description when I saw it because it really does encapsulate the basic idea that I’m trying to capture.  It is, of course, one person’s definition, but I think it is a good, albeit very bare bones, definition.

I have been listening to the song below on repeat.  It is beautiful, and it speaks to me in all the ways I cannot articulate.

lists, movies, labels

Only a few more days until I leave for my best friend’s wedding.  You’d think I’d be getting more done in preparation, but I apparently believe the next two evenings will be sufficient. Ha.  All I need to do, really, is ironing, packing, cleaning.  Um, yeah.  My friends who are driving up with me will be getting here Tuesday evening.  Tomorrow evening I’m supposed to finish my homework assignment for the next week (or, at least, get a good start on it).

Well.  It’ll all get done.  In the meantime, I’m having a beer and watching lame-ass movies.

Speaking of not lame-as movies, I just watched 52 Tuesdays on Netflix.  If you haven’t seen it, watch it.  It was thought provoking, and I thought well done.

I’ve been coming across the term ‘boi’ more and more, and I’m beginning to think it may be a fit for me.  I’m still not sure I’ll adopt it, but I’m going to spend some time trying it on, tasting it, seeing how it feels.

baby it’s cold outside (not really, but compared to the last few days)

Things are slowly picking up at work. Perhaps I can stay until I’m qualified to find a job in coding (by qualified, I mean kickass enough).

Speaking of coding, I’m looking forward to doing homework this week, if only because I will have a homework buddy to slog through it with me.  Plus, my teacher gave me the rest of the assignments ahead of time (as requested), so I can attempt to finish the coursework before my best friend’s wedding.

Oh! I was accepted into the certificate program, starting in January.  So that’s a go.

In other news, gay news, not gay news, my gay life news, that is… (Worst sentence ever, and I’m keeping it.)  I am so over conservative, Christian friends who can’t get over the fact that I’m gay and just accept it as a good thing.  Fuck them.  They can just take a walk and leave me out of it.  I’m not interested in being their token gay friend. I’m not interested in them working out their issues about homosexuality with me as their guinea pig.  And it always feels harsh when I communicate this to them (in gentler words, honest), but I have a duty to myself first.  Plus, I can’t kick out my family, and I already have to deal with their struggles about my gayness, so…  Ugh.

Moving on. Today is a busy day.  Actually, this whole month is busy what with homework and the wedding and all.  Not to mention I’m still trying to squeeze in dates where I can.  September will be a better month.

And the girl who gave me her number last week?  She’s involved in a pyramid scheme. Fairly certain she was trying to groom me to join. Strike one, two, and three.

a great day

Today I met with a classmate to work through our assignment.  We both were stuck on a very similar spot in our code, although it turned out we had very different problems.  But I figured us both out, so I’m feeling pretty good.  And my code works!  What a good feeling.

Plus a girl at Starbucks gave me her number.  I’m not sure if she was flirting, but this is still the first time a woman gave me her number in the wild, and I didn’t even have to ask for it.  At this moment, I have no intention of texting, but we’ll see if she does (I gave her mine in return).  She’s super cute, but not my type (if she is even queer at all).

I want to have all the sex, but I suppose I’m in no hurry.  (That’s not entirely true.)  I have found that what is true is that I am willing to hop into bed with someone pretty much immediately if I think they are attractive and they are open to it.  Unfortunately, I need to work on finding more folk who feel the same.  I keep going out with people who aren’t wanting to do the casual sex thing at all, and I think I kind of do, as it turns out.

That’s it for today. I have to get shit done.