The problem is, of course, that I don’t need anyone to point out my mistakes for me. I will berate myself a million times over all by myself. I don’t need any help to feel shitty about myself.
I just can’t seem to find any self-esteem in relation to my job. I feel like the worst worker ever, and I don’t believe those who try to tell me it’s not true. I am certain that I can do better, and I resolve daily to do so. Somehow, I still fail. I wish I didn’t feel so insecure.
But this time, I am making lists. And this time, I’m going to do a self-evaluation (like I’ll get from my supervisor after a year). And I’m going to make the changes that I need to make to become a better worker. One of the things I think I need to do is to stop being friendly with co-workers. It’s too much temptation. I know that this sounds ridiculous, but as the administrative assistant, I need to be 100% focused on my job (because, you know, you can’t let phone calls go to voicemail), half of which is answering the phone and greeting people. But, for example, if I am away from my desk and get trapped into a conversation, then I am away from my desk longer than I ought to be. I think I might start taking breaks and lunches at empty supervisor desks. That should be a good, standoffish way to communicate that I am at work to work, not to make friends. (For that matter, if I could just get some real friends, I wouldn’t want to talk to people at work as much because I wouldn’t be so lonely.)
It’s hard sometimes because I am so eager to use my brain, to be allowed to think, and in my position, those aren’t really options. I daily feel as though a monkey could do my job (although, really, let’s be honest, I need a second monkey now that we’re merged into one office), and it’s hard to be motivated when you feel that way. Plus if I’m praised for doing something I consider menial, obvious, normal, it’s hard to not feel patronized.
I wish the branding guidelines I am helping develop could move forward (I should remind my supervisor, I suppose). I wish the brochure I’m helping to update could be finished. I wish the ideas I have to help with donations/development could be implemented (although I’d have to tell someone them first, and no one has time to do them anyway).
At least I like my organization. And most of the people I work with. And my supervisor is great, really. I just need to make myself be a good worker since I obviously am not yet one.