real stuff.

I don’t know how to be a Christian anymore.

I mean, I’m still a Christian.  I still believe in God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit.  My faith in the truth of the Gospel still stands strong.

But I don’t know how to be a Christian anymore.

I don’t know how to associate myself with the Christian culture, nor am I sure I want to do so.  I don’t know how to interact with “normal” Christians, who haven’t been trained to interact with their faith in an academic way.  I don’t want to interact with the ones who are mean-spirited and close-minded.  I believe strongly in the integrity of the Biblical message, yet I am socially liberal in many ways.  I don’t know how to integrate this way of thinking into a church setting.

And I’m not sure I care.

————

Let’s talk about real stuff, in real ways.  Let’s stop answering every doubt or question with “You just need to pray about it.”  That is the most fucked-up answer you can give someone.  It’s not an answer at all.  It’s a superficial cop-out.

When I say I’m angry at the men who have wronged me in the past, I do not need anyone telling me I just need to pray more/harder about it.  God might be the healer, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to fix you overnight.  (Is this assumption another consequence of our microwave culture?)  When my friends have struggled with an aspect of their lives for most of their lives and have finally decided to embrace it as part of who they are, they do not need to be told to pray about it, in order to be “fixed.”

If I say I’m not sure I intend to date Christian men anymore, but would rather look for a person that I can be an actual partner with, I don’t need you to tell me to pray about it.  I need to be able to have genuine conversations about these things with like-minded people.  I need to be able to legitimately talk about the things that I am struggling to understand. I need it to be okay that I’m not sure.

One of my friends encouraged  me with the following: God is always faithful, always there, even though he (the friend) is not.  God doesn’t let us down, and surprisingly, lets us let him down.  Unconditional love.  His grace is fully there.  And his grace is still there, despite what path we walk.

So let me walk my path.  Let others walk theirs.  And don’t try to fix us.

 

non-datable man rant.

Why is it that every man who is interested in me is more of a girl than I am?

That is not fair, perhaps.

But, seriously.

I’m not sure if they mistake my non-interest for playing games, but they are so needy, and I’ve never even met this most recent batch.  I should just cut them loose and be free.  (And currently, one is texting me about Star Wars vs Star Trek because I was stupid enough to give him my number, and he seems to think I want to spend my evening texting him.  By and large, I’m ignoring his texts, but that doesn’t seem to make a difference.)

Where are the grown-ups?

I suppose it doesn’t help that there’s that totally attractive guy at work to admire.  Who is a real adult.  And normal.

Why are normal men so rare?  Why is that something to be noted instead of expected?

Why?

Week two update, plus bonus updates.

Week two of my new job is done.  I still love it.  The people are great.  And today I finished organizing my personal space.  It only took 9 days… hahaha  Now I get to move onto the cupboards and supply areas.  Not that anyone’s told me to do this.  But it needs to be done.  There’s also this guy…  But you know, I know that’s a bad idea to even consider, since it’s work, so yeah.  (But he is interesting, and attractive, and… what else do you even need after only two weeks?)

And I’ve been on okcupid again, although I’ve ignored almost everyone who’s written to me, since almost all of them have been those lame-ass messages, such as “You’re hot, let’s talk,” or “You have a great smile, let’s go out sometime.”  Ugh.  And then I’m talking with a couple of others, but I don’t know that I’m even remotely interested in either.  Plus they live up here (and one of them farther away in the wrong direction) and I’ll be moving in a few months, so what’s the point?  Besides, it’s not like I have any time to be meeting new folk at this point.

I’ve also lost a total of 27 pounds so far and only have 4 more to go.  At least, as of last Sunday.  I’m feeling great and feeling like I look great.  It’s fantastic to be back to my pre-college weight/size.

AND, I think I have my student loan stuff figured out.  I just have to apply for the right programs, and it looks like my loan payments will be affordable!  Thank God.  I might even have enough money in my budget to get health insurance!!  I will be living a life of luxury soon.

Alright, that’s it for now.

new job, first installment

It’s Friday of the first week at my new job.  And so far, I really do love it.  Everyone seems friendly and nice.  There’s a lot to learn for my job, and I’m nowhere near learning it all, which is nice.

One of the hardest parts, which I did not even know to anticipate, is learning to become familiar with a very wide variety of accents and names.  We get a lot of phone calls, and I have to transfer the calls to the correct person.  But there are names and accents that I’ve never heard before, and hearing them over the phone for the first time doesn’t make it easier.  I have been assured by everyone that it gets easier.

One of the things I love is the diversity.  It is awesome that my office, as well as those we work with, are not homogeneous.

I do have the world’s slowest computer, but have been told that the hope is to upgrade when we move offices at the end of the summer.  I intend to put a bid in for a new chair while I’m at it.  (Or perhaps I’ll keep an eye out for good sales.)

But other than the long commute, which makes for long days, I have no complaints.

I’m excited.

being alone never felt so lonely.

I had one of those rare dreams in which I was in a relationship with a man who cherished me, adored me, loved me.  The emotions were starkly real.  It was one of those dreams where you can actually feel the person next to you, where the memory is imprinted on your brain when you do finally wake.   In the dream, I was initially hesitant about choosing a relationship with him, but when am I not?  And he was patient and persistent.  When I woke up, it made me ache for that which I do not have.

Most of the time I am fine, more than fine, with being single.

But every so often, I am reminded of what I am missing out on, be it through a dream, or watching a friend, or a random moment of awareness.

everything.

Okay. So I feel like tons have happened in the last week.

Last Tuesday, I got an interview and job from the temp agency I’ve been working with.  I started on Wednesday and have been full-time since then.  But, that evening (oh, timing), I got an email inviting me for an interview with a local non-profit that I’d applied to.  So Wednesday, after my first day of work, I drove on out to interview, half-dead, honestly.  And I thought the interview went well, but wasn’t sure, of course.

This week, Monday, I was offered the job, and I accepted.  So next week, Monday, I’m starting work as an administrative assistant at a non-profit that primarily works with developmentally disabled adults.  I’m really excited.

Then, yesterday, I got an email from Barry from WND, a very nice email, letting me know that I wasn’t selected for an interview.  Of course I emailed back, telling him it was no surprise, and that I actually just got a job anyway.  And, here it is, the purpose of this paragraph, his response email ended with “Talk to you soon.”

Can you get any clearer?  I knew he was in love with me, too.  Now is definitely the time to declare myself.

Okay, I know that’s a bit over the top.  But in my pedestal-crush madness, I did swoon just a little at those familiar words.  One of my friends said I should respond with “How soon is too soon?”  Hahahaha!

So, the point is, things are finally on an upswing.  I have a real job lined up (I am nervous!), and in a few months, I’ll be able to move out on my own for the first time (I do not count being in student housing).  I’m excited, nervous, anxious, hopeful, the whole gamut.  But, finally, it feels like my life is going somewhere.

quick update

This week I started working a temp job.  It’s full time, which is nice.  Although, that does make it harder when/if I get interviews.  But it’s work, it gets me out of the house, and it is money.

All I’m doing is scanning documents and printing manuals…  Luckily, I can bring my ipod and listen to podcasts.

So now that I have my current financial crisis diverted, I just need a permanent job.  Preferably at a non-profit.  Ready, go.

church frustrations

Can’t I just be a Christian who doesn’t attend church?

I mean, what’s the big deal, anyway?  I have Christian friends.  I assemble with them… for coffee, shopping, talking, etc.  That ought to count.

Today I was sitting in a pew, and it filled up to my left, and I was on the very end on the right. And during singing, a woman came and wanted to talk to the person to my left, and pushed me right out of the pew.  So I gathered my things and left.  What was I supposed to do?  Stand in the aisle until she was done?  Was she going to finish?

It’s not like I enjoy going to church lately, anyway.  I’ve been going because I felt like I should, because everyone says it’s important.  But I don’t fit in.  And not just in general, apparently physically I don’t fit in, either. (ha)

I had tried a community group last week which was suggested by the pastor.  It was awful: a bunch of women, sitting around crying, using Scripture indiscriminately.  No way. Not going to work.

I just want a place to belong.

An open letter to Christians (in particular, the conservatives)

We need to step it up, folks.

Are we not called to more than we are settling for?  Where do these hateful attitudes come from?  Surely not from Jesus nor the witness of the Bible.  In the Bible, I see Jesus embracing the last, the least, and the lost.  Yet that same demographic, those in the margins, are the exact ones we are so hateful toward.

We are not hateful to the ones causing injustice, but to those who need our compassion and love.

If you read through the Old Testament, and in particular the prophets, what are the reasons that the prophets say God is upset with Israel?  Is it because they’re not following the law to the letter?  Nope.  There are a few main reasons that are repeated nearly every time: 1. Israel has followed after other gods; 2. Israel is not taking care of the widows, orphans, and the poor; and 3. Israel is taking advantage and profiting from the widows, orphans, and the poor.  (i.e. the marginalized of their society, those who needed help and protection the most.)  Then look at Jesus’ words when He says what the most important commandment is: To love the Lord your God, and to love your neighbor as yourself.  (Not forgetting who your neighbor is: remember the story of the good Samaritan.)

Let’s take a good look at ourselves.  What are Christians known for nowadays in the US?  It’s certainly not taking care of the poor, as was true in the first few hundred years of Christianity.  Rather, it is railing against those who are in need, upholding the few who take advantage of the system as a reason to help no one:  “Because if you can’t take care of yourself, you should starve.”  “Pull yourself up by your bootstraps.”  “Quit stealing our money and giving it to people who are too lazy to work.”

I am so sick of it.  Christians should be known for helping others.  And if we get taken in by a few, does it matter?  Is that for us to decide?  Did Jesus only say to help those we knew for certain needed help, or did He want us to help others, regardless?  I think it’s the latter.  We have become so selfish, so self-absorbed, so caught up in the anti-Christian idea of capitalism, that we are selling our souls to save a few dollars.  We should be known for a spirit of generosity and love.

And while I’m on my rant, can we please leave homosexuals alone?  What are we so afraid of?  It seems to me like homosexuals might be our modern day lepers (not a perfect comparison).  And Jesus would embrace them–He was not afraid of the lepers of society.  Regardless of your views of homosexuality, whether or not you think it is a sin, do you have any right to hate someone based on their sexual preference?  Would you deny someone basic human rights because of their orientation, anymore than their ethnicity, gender, age, religion, etc?  People are people.  And as Christians, we are called to show Jesus’ love to others, to people.  Get over yourself: there is nothing scary about homosexuality.

I am tired of being tolerant of an entire nation of Christians who are defined more by who they hate than being defined by Jesus’ love.  I am tired of seeing nothing but hate on my friends’ facebook pages or twitter feeds.  Let’s start reading our Bibles, not for proof-texts to prove we’re right, but for the message in the Bible, for what God is trying to tell us.  We’re going to realize that those small things we focus on have no point of focus in the Bible.

Let’s start loving the last, the least, and the lost.

Details in the Fabric

Jason Mraz ft. James Morrison